my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

[Susan7654]

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

At least wait until ypir kids are grown before you move in with this man.

Personally, with his attitude I would run a mile.

And you want to marry him??? Your bank account will be empty within five minutes

I’d be very wary of marrying him.

I think I need to ask why you want to marry a bloke who makes you feel like that? It's not going to change.

You really probably should put the anchors down while you figure out how you feel.

Did you agree before hand that he
would pay half?

Why did you choose a cheap ring if he earns more than you?

I wouldn't be moving in with him or marrying him until he sorted his finances out.

I couldn’t put up with a cheap arse like this. He will probably leach off you even more if you live together.

With the holiday- it depends if the holiday was a “gift” or whether you agreed he would pay you back?

I would not be marrying him.

If you already feel he takes you for granted then don't move in together or get married.

If you do decide to go ahead then you both need to make complete financial disclosure with bank statements and discuss how living expenses will be divided up.

A couple at the stage of engagement and buying a house together should also be at the stage of discussing and planning their lives together - which includes discussing and planning holidays. You can talk about destinations, dates, budgets, and booking it together - and then do it, rather than it having to be one person’s “treat” or “surprise.”

But that doesn’t address the main point in that you don’t seem to be on the same page about a lot of things, and you don’t appear to actually want to be engaged to him.

I wouldn't be marrying someone who out earns me who can't save or be responsible for his money. I'd keep things as they are until he can demonstrate being reliable with money.

Why do you want to marry a man who isn't good with money? Or planning? Or equally contributing?

Do your DC want to share a house with his DC?

Why combine households while the kids are young? Why not just live separately?

What are you doing girl? You've got your shit together already, don't settle for this man x

It just doesn't sound very romantic and like he tacked on the proposal to the holiday so he didn't have to plan anything.

I chose my own ring so that isn't such a big deal, but he should have given you a budget when looking and made it a bit more special than you just choosing a cheap one to not pressure him.

To be honest, you both sound quite financially incompatible which is a bad sign.

Holidays and buying a house are completely separate. You can draw up an equity agreement if he is contributing more etc... But the holiday shouldn't be involved in those negotiations.

None of this feels like the way I would want to start a marriage and I would put money on you posting on here about finances in a few years.

Maybe you will be struggling financially on maternity leave and being financially abused by a tight bastard who spends on himself but is stingy with his family.

I'm not saying ltb... But financial incompatibility is truly painful in long term relationships.

He might be a very nice man but I don't think you should be getting married!

I would definitely discuss how the family finances will work once you’re married. Otherwise I think it will continue to be a bone of contention.

I feel like he takes me for granted...
Not a good basis for marriage

So why exactly do you want to marry him?

Did you accept his proposal? Seems strange if he’s taking j to ou F or granted

well it is your decision.
he is not a shining example is he

Don't get married, you will always clash over finances.

He sounds like casual boyfriend material, not husband material.

Except he's going to be putting more money into buying their house. Possibly a lot more.

If you’re married though funds are joint so who pays for what is less of an issue?

dh and I have separate accounts but we just pay as and when, we don’t keep “score”.

i earn more than him so I generally pay for holidays and luxuries, and the kids expenses. If I am short through I ask him to pay or vice versa.

if he’s bringing more money for the house deposit- and if he’s selling presumably it’s significantly more- are you planning to pay him back for that? Or enter into a situation where you own a smaller percentage?

Think better of yourself.

If you have kids already, I wouldn't consider marrying him. Fair enough if you want to remain partners, but what do you gain from marriage? You and your kids stand to lose a lot more financially that you might gain.

I got to here
He earns more than me but is not good at saving.

And it was a No.

Do not financially attach yourself to someone shit at managing money.
Just dont do it.
Then i saw you have kids. It should be a hard NO on marriage. be terminally engaged if you want but no actual ceremony

Co-habit away if you must but dont tie yourself legal to this tight fisted moocher.