my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

[Susan7654]

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

If you wish to sell your home to upgrade, do it on your own, Op. You are more savvy financially; it would be madness to join finances with him.

OP also says she plans to pay back the difference in the house deposit. So the implication there is that it'll be in 50 50 names. The fast one would be if she then paid another 5k when in fact it should be 4k. This is what it looks like the boyfriend wants to do.
I'm not making any assumptions. I'm reading the posts.

It doesn’t look like that’s what he wants to do at all. We have no idea other than a vague statement from op that she wants to pay the house money back (over what time period we don’t know). We don’t know he expects or wants that.

simple solution would be op repays him 4K. Job done.

i see no evidence he’s taking the piss here

He is not the man for you I'm afraid. Don't buy a house with him! If he earns more he should be paying his way. Good luck

He is not the man for you. He’s a miser. Stay on your own and concentrate on your own children.

I don't know what your age is but if you are younger then when he retires he will be snoozing in bed while you have to get up for work. .

Im getting wound up by modern women. Women who pay to get scewed. It don't make any sense to me. I've never paid anything to aan in my life. Why PAY to have a lazy ass in your Life leeching youroney. Live alone if you're working. And support yourself. Buy yourself a ring. Cook yourself dinner.

If this is how petty you guys are going to be over finances I think you’re not ready to get married. I wouldn’t go head first. You need to have conversations about finances, blending your families, etc.

Well obviously you shouldn't be marrying him, should you? You know that. It's not a good idea. You are going to have a lifetime of resentment and arguments over money.

But you are going to do it anyway.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them! This wouldn’t be a ‘catch’ for me and I would be throwing this one back, but, if you are happy that this is how your whole married life will look, then have at it

I agree, why is he paying more into the house? If that's the case and he's not getting a bigger share then he's not taking the piss by expecting for you to pay holidays. This said I would be extremely cautious married someone who is bad with money or has big debit.

Well can he put less into the new house, £4k, and give you the other £1k. Maybe you could put an extra £1k into the house so your contributions are more equal.

seems like a faff but if it would make you feel better it might be worth it.

Before you do anything you need to sit down and actually go through finances together. How much bills are and mortgage etc.
how much savings each of you has.
if he won’t sit down and show you then 🚩

he might not even be able to get a mortgage if he has lots of credit card debt.

also don’t assume that the kids will leave home. Most kids aren’t leaving at 18 anymore as they can’t afford it.

Its not just a question of having different attitudes to money though is it?
They both decided to go on holiday and agreed to pay £1k each ( he never plans any) and OP, feeling sorry for him because he's soooo broke despite earning more than her, said she would lend him the £1k so that he didn't incur cc interest. That was 7 months ago and he STILL hasn't made any attempt to pay her back.
Then she felt obliged to chose a £400 engagement ring because he's "sooooo broke Poor Me". (that is such a cheapskate way to behave IMOH - but moving on)
The new proposal is for him to pay her back by paying more for the deposit for the house WHEN he has sold his house.
That could be another year.. still no money back for OP and its not the same paying the house deposit, because that then feeds into the argument of "I own more of the house than you because I paid a larger deposit."

That's all kinds of wrong.

You can share your finances in the household pot if you TRUST the other person.

But the OP has been getting the "Poor Mouth" story from a man who earns more money than her,doesn't have much in the way of savings, spends what he earns and somehow, she's the one bailing him out. She's generous. He is not. It's not the quantity of money that matters, it's the fact that he is displaying a worryingly tight attitude to money and wants to gain the advantage all the time. I think that is more than different attitudes to money. That is getting your partner who earns less to subsidise you, when you should be equal. And that's not a good look by anyone's reckoning.

Its an old song OP, But every penny you spend on this guy is money you are taking away from your future lifestyle and your children's futures. It is the kind of thing that needs sorting out and clarifying (maybe with a mediator/counsellor) because you tend to want to help and support and he tends to want to gain advantage.

@Susan7654

So far you have 6 posts on this thread, and this is the only good thing you have manged to say about him

' He is a very nice man.'

Where is the love
the romance
the fun
the future

My red flag was when you say he spends his money on
his children - fine
food - fine
and

games !!!

Having read your 6 replies I do wonder why you said yes ?
was it just an automatic response ?

Do not get married. Definitely do not do it. That’s taken all my energy I’m very sick.

Red flag’s flying high.

Daft if you sell your home and SONs inheritance
Keep both homes and independence. You can live together but not throw away your financial assets

You shouldn’t marry someone who has different values.

He is not going to change, this is who he is.

You clearly have different values about money and different ways of saving /spending money. You don’t seem to be good at communicating about money. He doesn’t stick to agreements which you made. His actions show that he has little respect for you. You’re clearly not very good at telling him to stick to the agreement, as well as not very good (or maybe not able to?) tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. If you have told him how his behaviour makes you feel he just has zero respect for you.

You guys need to learn how to communicate properly, he needs to show you respect and you need to get on the same page regarding finances BEFORE considering marriage. Getting on the same page regarding finances goes further than how much deposit each is paying. It’s about making long term financial goals and knowing you’re both dealing with finances in the same way. You’re nowhere near that now. You guys need to sit down and have some very serious conversations if you want to live together.

Start as you mean to go on. You booked and paid for the holiday on the basis he would pay his share in arrears. He now wants to leave you (a single parent) high and dry with the cost of it on the vague promise of his future house sale. I’ll bet he hasn’t suggested putting more than you in and an equal split on divorce.

Call him on it. You had a financial arrangement which you need him to honour so you can balance your own finances. End of. His response will tell you everything

You need to do the maths.

It's usually a huge mistake for a single mum to marry.

If you die first he will inherit from you, thus disinheriting your DCs.

You will need to put money in trust first your DCs before you marry. Get solid legal advice on this.

Did he know you was paying for the holiday?did you ask him to pay towards it?he proposed on a holiday you paid for and you don't like it?how old are you if you don't mind me asking?it does sound a bit petty really,hope you've spoken to him before you come and spoke to a load of strangers first

I would have said no to the proposal😂 why propose on a holiday you paid for? HE should book a trip, weekend away, fancy dinner - anything special, get a ring and plan the whole experience!

She says he spends money on his kids, food and games etc. I worry that the etc covers a hard gambling addiction ….

Oh mate, you already feel like he takes you for granted and you're annoyed about money and you don't even live together/you're not even married yet. Rarely do things improve after you settle down more, most people look at this time in their relationships as the halcyon happy days.
He's behaving badly and he's found a willing person in you, because you're enabling it. Of course he should pay you back for the holiday, the house is entirely unrelated. But also, don't pay for him to go on holiday in the first place given how he is! And don't choose a specially cheap ring because he isn't good at saving!! Have you thought how you'll manage finances in the future? Will he try and get you to pay more for bills and shopping and holidays just because he put a deposit down? You need a serious chat about what it's fair for you to contribute based on him putting more down, that also ensure you get a reasonable amount of equity - get everything written down and agreed, agree how bills and food and holidays get managed. If he won't save for holidays or can't afford them, he can't go - are you happy with a man who can't join you on holidays? Or buy you a birthday present? Or join you for a meal out? Despite earning more than you - this would annoy me to be honest and I wouldn't be happy.

Give him the ring back and end the relationship. He doesnt care enough about you to actually make any effort