my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

[Susan7654]

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

How are you going to cope when he spends lots on his children and you can’t do the same to your own when you’re living together. What happens when he can’t afford bills some months and you have to put more money in to cover them, your children will be affected as you will have less to spend on them. You will be the one saving up for holiday for all of you, you might not earn as much as him but you will be the one with no money as you will be the one saving. How will it affect your children living in the same house with other children who will be treated differently?

Op he is a very nice man coupled with most things you say put you as two extremely unsuited people. If you love love him and are posting this because you need a bit of guidance then fine but otherwise it honestly doesn’t sound like it’s working as it is but I could be wrong

You shouldnt even be contemplating marrying someone with whom you can’t have an honest discussion about money

Was the original agreement to pay you back for his half of the holiday or was it essentially a gift from you because he didnt have the money? It's not clear from your post. And how are you planning to own the house because unless you are doing it by % of deposit, I can see why he doesn't want to give you money for a holiday if he is basically about to give you part of a house.

It doesn't bode well if you already feel unappreciated. If you want to move in could you not rent a house together for a year? Rather than tie yourselves to a house purchase.

One of the soundest advice I've ever received is "anything that you see before you get married, multiplies by 10 after you do". This won't change, will only get worse

What was the agreement about paying you back for the holiday?

How much was the holiday?

How much is his deposit compared to yours?

The ring price is irrelevant - you choose it

What makes him a nice man?

Where is your relationship bar because if you've only been with cheaters or abusive men before this might be a step up but it's still pretty low down the ladder.

You are not his priority. The things you like to do are not his priority. He is going to lord having put more into the house forever so he never has to pay for anything.

When there are children involved being together but living apart is always the better option for the children, blending successfully is incredibly difficult

The ring price is irrelevant as you picked it, I took would pick a cheaper ring as I would feel uncomfortable wearing something ££££ but the fact you did so because you didn't want to stress his budget likely means you'll always go for the cheaper option moving forward to accommodate him being rubbish with money. Surely the ring and holiday are more comparable cost wise - oh I bought you the ring, you paid for the holiday were even, which is so unromantic and transactional it would be a No for that alone.

He's a selfish, tight git, and it won't get better if you marry him, OP.

Sorry, OP - even in my twenties and without kids this wouldn't have been good enough to give up my freedom.
Think twice before you marry him. He sounds like a tight arse, and covertly unpleasant.

And you’re marrying him why?

I don’t understand why you agreed to marry him if you can’t even have a straightforward chat about money expectations. How would buying a house at some point in the future mean he doesn’t have to pay you what he owes you now?

You need a serious frank discussion on finance’s

Who pays what, in % or £££

How savings will work, how the bills are paid and everything inbetween.

You are on different pages - and have different priorities. .

YABU for expecting more of the man than he is.
You know he's cheap, has poor money management and cannot afford holidays.
Why are you paying for him or even trying to set up home with him? You can see what your life is likely to be.

No! Please lovely lady, do not commit to this cheap skate.

Keep your own place with your children and your own independence.

If you wish to continue 'dating' him, then that is your choice, but be very mindful of his poor financial management. He will not change!

It sounds a bit transactional and very tight. Feck this! Run a mile

I think it would be best to revoke your acceptance of his proposal OP.

I think some women feel obligated to say "yes" when a man proposes.

There are clearly issues here, yet instead of declining or giving a "not yet", to the proposal, it appears to have been accepted as a "yes".

Why agree to marry someone who you feel takes you for granted? That isn't a good basis for going into a marriage, particularly when you have your own children to consider.

To some extent, if he’s putting more money into a house you’re going to be owning equally (and it’s not clear this is the case), he has a point. Why should he be shelling out more for the house if you expect him to go halves on everything else?

But I think this is about more than that - it sounds as though this is more about you wanting some gestures of appreciation and, perhaps, some emotional labour on his part. That he doesn’t put money into expressing his love for you in this way and is happy to let you do it for him without reciprocating bothers you. You are, perhaps, also seeing his lack of saving etc. with a bit more concern about how that might put more of a financial burden on you, down the line, without giving you the decision making power that such a burden deserves?

Legally, marriage isn’t really about love - it’s a financial contract. And you don’t sound financially compatible. You also both have children from previous relationships to consider which might mean a different financial set up than shared money can provide. I would try and work through this before you go ahead with the marriage. Start with an open conversation about how finances will work. A counsellor of some sort might help. Also, if I’m right about wanting him to make gestures, a therapist for you to work through your feelings about what his spending shows and decide if it’s going to be a bigger issue in the future, might be useful.

Well he obviously doesn't value holiday, he values assets.

So marry him only if you want to spend your life bickering over what joint money should be spent on and not having much of a say.

He sounds very "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours".

Yes, we agreed to pay half each.
I chose cheap ring as I knew he doesn't have money, although he said he can buy more expensive but I knew it would be on credit card, so pointless to spend more.
He treats me sometimes to dinners out.

But is he actually a cheapskate? The holiday was OPs idea and what she wanted and we don't know if paying her back was an agreement. The proposal may not have been planned so no ring and then she chose the cheap one. He is buying a house which will be half hers. I would have a dit down discussion about how you both see financials after marriage however in case of big disagreements.

Cross post.

We were paying half each. Not a gift. But when choosing hols he said he will put it on c/c so I offered to pay to avoid c/c fees, and he can pay me back later.

Kids are almost grown up. We waited 5 years as I didnt want to join households.
My DD is 17, his 18yo

Don't marry him