my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

[Susan7654]

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

🚩 hmm i dunno 🤷🏻‍♀️ might be best to stay living apart.

He sounds stingy unless its your ££

🚩🚩🚩🚨

Don't marry him. He's a tight arse and you'll be paying for everything, especially if he considers he's 'done his bit' by putting more into the house.

Do you have a house or any other assets?

I must be missing the part where the holiday was a loan?

You wanted to go, he couldn't afford it, you still wanted to go so you paid... that doesn't make a loan.

I always book the holidays and I have never once expected my DH (who was my partner for 10 years before marriage) to pay back half of a holiday I booked and wanted.

I wouldn't marry him, but I can see why he wants to marry you.
When you move in together, you will end paying for absolutely everything.

Why do you want to marry him?

If someone proposed to me and didn’t have the ring, it would definitely be a big fat NO!!

That just shows what he’s like, he’s obviously never planned on doing it, sounds like something he done on the spur of the moment!!

Nothing wrong with being single. I am single and coming up to 50 and I can't imagine it any other way tbh.

Honestly, it sounds to me like he doesn't have the money to pay you back for the holiday, even in installments. He is using the promise of putting money into a future house to try to hide this. That's concerning- could he be hiding debts? You need to think carefully about how to move forwards with this.

Why did you say yes?

Proposing on a holiday i paid for wouldn't bother me. But I think your worried are about more than that.
If you have these concerns now they will only get worse after you get married. Listen to your gut and think very carefully if you want to share your life with this person, especially given you both have children

I agree. There will be all sorts of hidden debts.

I wouldn’t move in with a man who was irresponsible or mean with money.
However is he selling his house and putting a lump sum of money as a deposit on a joint house?
if he’s putting in a bigger amount than you and the holiday is already paid I can see why he’s not paying you back.

You’re enabling him with paying to save CC fees etc., choosing a cheap ring etc. He won’t change and you’ll always be paying as that’s what he’s used to.

The fact he doesn’t pay you back after agreeing to split costs tells you exactly what he thinks of you. I’d run a mile.

I agree with pp and I can also see him holding the fact he contributed more to the house over your head forever

I'd wait until kids are grown up, say 40.....

Well I hope you’ve got deep pockets. Unfortunately, it seems he has short arms.

Contrary to what most people are saying, I think if he is paying considerably more towards a house that you are going to jointly own, then this isn't unreasonable of him.

How are you planning to manage finances when you marry?

Don't marry him. He's given you a preview of what married life will be.

If he's a nice man but crap with money, I would stay in the relationship but keep your separate houses and not get married.

You can then stay over as much as you like, but not get bogged down in paying his bills.

Just no.

Please do not make any legal agreements with this man. Do not buy a house with this man, much less marry him! There are many reasons. You state them all in your OP.

• he takes you for granted !!!
• he out earns you but spends his money on his kids (ok), food and games.
• you've paid for a holiday and he's mooched along
• he doesn't plan regular weekends/holidays
• you chose a 'budget' ring ! he should be choosing a rock the size of Mont Blanc

I have yet to read how this man makes your life better. (a MN cliché but also a good question)O
(also, I reckon he's plenty good at saving and that's why he's so stingy - he's salting it all away and living off your generosity OR, as PPs have said, he's up to his eyeballs in debt)

@Susan7654 and yet you said, "Yes."
🤦‍♀️

Forget the holiday, IMO that's small fry compared to getting married to this guy. Once you're married it's one big pot - does that work in you & your child's favour?

What's the plan for moving in together? Joint account? 50/50? or both put in 50% of wages?

House jointly owned? Both names on the deeds? Is his allegedly bigger deposit ring fenced (or whatever it's called) as his?

Any caveats on inheritance and kids - if he dies, does his half/percent of the property go to you, or his daughter? What about your bit of you die?

Assuming the job not account looks after mortgage & bills... Who pays for stuff like holidays going forward? Who's funding the wedding?

Do you have savings? Are you using it to pay down his (soon to be YOUR joint) debt? How's he planning on paying that off? Will you save?

What do pensions look like (are you going to be carrying him in your retirement too?).

You need to have a BIG chat about all of this before you marry him and his debts.
Hopefully you already have all this info & this post can be disregarded 👍🏼