my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

[Susan7654]

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

YABU

In any other circumstances, if you were supposed to be going halves then he needs to pay you back.

The proposal is irrelevant.

But he should not be paying you back if he’s paying more towards the house.

How much is he putting towards the house vs how much are you putting towards it?

Well, you either share money, in which case it doesn't matter who pays for what, or you have separate finances, so he owes you 50% or the holidays and you owe him 50% of the house deposit. You can't have it both ways!

FWIW, I wouldn't marry him, just because you sound do miserable and unenthusiastic about it.

I don’t really see the point in getting married in your circumstances.

If you want to move in together then go 50/50 on a home and spilt bills 50/50.

Keep separate accounts and have a contract drawn up in the event you split.

Don't buy a house together when you haven't lived together.

Especially when he has a child.

When you boked the holiday, did you say 'you can pay me back when you sell the house?" or did he offer that? If not YABU to want that now - especially as the plan is for him to put the money into a house.

It was you that wanted to go on holiday - it is fair enough that he prioritises spending on his child.

However, you feel taken for granted. You have different approaches to money. You are living in separate places so have no idea what it will be like as a permanent live in thing. It's different! And any issues now will increase, not diminish.

Unless your answer is an immediate and enthusiastic YES!!!! then don't marry him.

This.

Why entangle yourself with such a person?

I feel like he takes me for granted...

And you're going to marry him?

Yes, he's a tightarse. What kind of man pets his partner arrange and pay for a trip then proposes on said trip - without a ring?

I cannot abide stingy people.

What's the plan for buying a house? How much are you each putting in?

Take it this way. He will use you but won't financially invest in you. Not good, right?

Look at this portion of your life with this man like a snapshot.

Now imagine a series of these snapshots strung together over the next 50 years.

And ask yourself if that’s the life if you want for yourself.

And ask yourself if that’s the best you deserve.

He's not stupid, is he? Girlfriend pays his way so he can spend money on games.

The MN term is "cocklodger" I believe.....

Hmm. The holiday thing sounds a borderline; perhaps he had the impression that you wanted to treat him rather than being paid back. But someone who gets short of money because they're bad at managing finances and has a tendency to be a bit mean is not ideal to marry, though they may be a lovely boyfriend or partner. I'd be cautious here.

@Susan7654

Quit 'treating' him or paying for his share of expenses because 'he'd have to put it on a CC. See what happens when you do that. Personally I'm not so sure his finances are all that bad. I think he's just stingy and/or prefers to sock his money away. Nothing wrong with being a 'saver', but not if it means that someone else is ponying up the money to pay for what he should be paying for or saying a flat 'no' to.

Mark my words, his man will bleed you dry. It may be by a few pennies at a time but he will find reasons why X and Y expenses or improvements should be on your dime. And I have a feeling that he's going to want an air tight legal document 'protecting' his investment but at the same time tilts things in his favour.

I wouldn't marry him for all the tea in China.

Keep your finances separate from this man - which probably means it is wiser not to marry him

@Susan7654 please please please do NOT marry this cheapskate/wannabe cocklodger. He is stingy as, hopeless with money - when it comes to spending it on YOU - and is already mooching off you.
Does he make you happy even half the time? Is he kind and thoughtful of you? Is he generous to you in actions rather than words? Does he really make you feel loved and supported? Do you view money in the same way? Does he earn more or less than you? Only you know the answers - but the unanimous consensus here is RUN!

Run. He's sussed you out as the perfect target

Holiday and house have nothing to do with each other. One is a consumable, the other an investment. He'll get his money back on the investment.

What was the arrangement about the holiday? Has he reneged on an agreement, or have you been foolishly / optimistically generous?

OP this makes sad reading.

Life isn't necessarily all red roses and champagne and dreamy romance BUT for fecks sake it sounds a bit like he proposed to you to avoid paying his half of a holiday.

Is there a risk he's going to spend your money and hold you back? because it sure looks that way.

Don't marry him and maybe don't even put up with him any more. You sound like you've got your life sorted so please don't think you need to put up with a shit man.

Are you sure he has money?

Do not marry him. You'll be taken for a mug. You already are.

I dunno, paying back for holiday when you are both buying a house together does not seem significant.

Have you agreed how the proceeds from the future house are split if you decide to split up? Does he expect to get a bigger % if he's contributing a larger part of deposit?
Have you agreed that you will contribute to bills and household expenses equally?

Oh OP. Don’t tie yourself to this man. He’s low quality.

Don't marry someone if you feel that way.
It sounds like you feel like he's not planning on treating you fairly. So just decline the proposal and consider being single for a while. I wouldn't marry someone if I spoke the way you do about them in your post. You can do much better.

Nothing about this man makes you feel special.
It's good that he proposed because now this has come to a head and you can stop drifting along together.
Get out now!!

I said YABU because I don’t understand why you would consider marrying someone you fundamentally disagree with on such a basic level such as finances, who you feel takes you for granted and who doesn’t meet your expectations in terms of involvement in the planning and organising of your shared leisure time. Is it because you have been together 5 years and to turn down his proposal or refuse marriage means finally acknowledging that you aren’t actually compatible? Five years seems a long time but five years quickly becomes ten and then fifteen and before you know it you are too scared to throw away such a significant number of years of your life.
If you don’t want to break up, can’t you just keep the status quo? There’s no need to muddy the waters with marriage and financial investment. Just live separately or keep your properties and live at one of them/rent elsewhere.