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Original poster

my partner of 5 years proposed on holidays I paid for

277 replies

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 17:50

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2025 19:07

It reads as if he’s trained you well to not expect much from him. Be careful, he may default on that joint mortgage. I agree with everyone else, who says not to tie yourself by marriage or financially to this man.

AndThereSheGoes · 13/01/2025 19:08

Marry him and live apart. Then it makes fuck all difference if money turns out to be the thing that breaks you. Which it sounds like it will.

For what it's worth I've never been fussed about earning loads and everything I buy needs to be a bargain. DH earns well, saves lots but never considers the price of stuff. Drives me potty even though I have debt and he doesn't. Money is about more than that it buys you. It says everything about the person you are and what you value.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/01/2025 19:08

How much more is he contributing to the house than you? If it’s say 200k more, you can see why he’s not falling over himself to pay you back…

BeAzureAnt · 13/01/2025 19:10

Susan7654 · 13/01/2025 17:50

My partner and I have been together 5 years. He earns more than me but is not good at saving. Never really spoiled me. spends money on his kids, food, games etc. We are both single parents living separately. He is a very nice man.

I really wanted to go on holiday, but he didnt have money, so I paid for it. He proposed on holiday (without a ring - he asked me if that would be ok, as than I can chose it when we are back , I agreed). Than when we were back he bought me a ring - I chose very cheap one not to put too much stress on his budget.

Now we are planning to buy house together and he thinks - that because he will contribute to our house more than me ( as he is selling he current house) - he doesnt have to pay back for holiday.

Not sure if I am wrong for feeling hurt? He doesnt ever plan a holiday. At most a weekend away, very rarely. Once we went for a weekend abroad away I paid for it all as it was his birthday treat.

I feel like he takes me for granted...

Do not marry a man who is not good at saving money. You’ll be responsible for his debts and bailing him out of poor financial decisions/too much spending.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/01/2025 19:11

DisappearingGirl · 13/01/2025 19:03

If he's a nice man but crap with money, I would stay in the relationship but keep your separate houses and not get married.

You can then stay over as much as you like, but not get bogged down in paying his bills.

Yes, especially because despite their kids' ages there's still more to come: helping/supporting them get to/through uni, getting established at work, saving for own home purchases - not to mention trying to ensure your own future is financially secure. The now fiance sounds like a user.

Notdoingthatno · 13/01/2025 19:14

Nope it's a big fat nope from me.

Don't marry him. He earns more than you but can't save and then he doesn't pay his own way?

Nah... keep fucking him by all means but no do not drag your kids through what will become a big financial loss for you. I bet he's not great on housework either.

Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 13/01/2025 19:14

Love is not enough to overcome the issues that will come with marrying someone who is happy to rack up debt.

SmellLikeStreepForCheap · 13/01/2025 19:15

You’re in the honeymoon phase- an engagement should be fun and exciting. Instead, you’re saying “he’s a nice man” and feeling taken advantage of.

Come on, OP, you know this isn’t good.

HoraceCope · 13/01/2025 19:16

since he hasnt even bought you a ring nor paid towards your holiday i wouldnt rush into marriage, and tell him why

FumingTRex · 13/01/2025 19:16

It doesnt sound like you are financially compatible. In any case I would be wary of marrying, if you die first he could take the house from your kids.

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/01/2025 19:17

Oh, I just read your kids are almost adults.
Absolutely don't marry this man!
Everything else aside, you are in a position to start having your full independence.
Why have a ball and chain that doesn't make your life better???
😳

CoffeeBeansGalore · 13/01/2025 19:18

Ok, fast forward 5 years. You have married & bought a house.
You are paying more of the mortgage - because he paid more deposit & you need to "make up your contribution".
You want to go on holiday - you have to pay for it because he doesn't have any spare money.
You want to treat your Dc - but he says you have to treat his as well or it's not fair.
He treats his Dc but not yours - because his money is spent elsewhere & he can't afford it.

Is this the future you want?

ElizaMulvil · 13/01/2025 19:19

Msmoonpie · 13/01/2025 18:39

No way would I be having joint finances with someone who is bad with money.

If you do you’re a mug.

This

MumonabikeE5 · 13/01/2025 19:19

I’m not very money focused.
but
he sounds proper flakey and doesn’t sound like he is in the position to get married.
you’re not 21yos lost in romance and with your whole lives ahead of you.
you are already an established adult.
you should marry an established adult.
that doesn’t mean breaking up.
but it means dating him.
and keeping your autonomy and financial independence

Snorlaxo · 13/01/2025 19:19

You need to work out if he plans to make you pay him back for the deposit by not paying for big expenses like holidays, the wedding and honeymoon.

Then you need to decide whether to put the house in unequal proportions and/or protect his deposit so he can’t use the house excuse not to pay for things. If he’d rather do that then he shouldn’t get married to you so his money stays with him in the event of a split or his death.

He can’t use the deposit as a stick to beat you with. If you’re happy to pay him back via holidays, the wedding etc then that’s fine but I suggest that you get something legal written to cover all the scenarios like what if you don’t “pay him back” before a split.

I think it’s fine that he proposed on a holiday paid by you and didn’t have a ring. I’m a woman and I would find it difficult to choose a ring- never mind covertly find out a ring size.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be in debt to a husband to be and would go for not marrying and protecting his money in the house. I know he asked you to marry him and presumably offered to pay more but if you think that the relationship is worth it then I’d give him the chance to take back his proposal and offer to pay more by own the house equally because he sounds bitter about it.

ElizaMulvil · 13/01/2025 19:20

FumingTRex · 13/01/2025 19:16

It doesnt sound like you are financially compatible. In any case I would be wary of marrying, if you die first he could take the house from your kids.

And this!

sandyhappypeople · 13/01/2025 19:21

Financially, he sounds very transactional, it's hard to say if you do as well.. it may be part of a pattern you had both fallen into, seeing as you each run your own households and obviously have done for a while, so it's just the way it has carried on.

Him assuming he doesn't have to pay for the holiday now because he is essentially paying you back by putting more into a house together is big assumption on your part, but not completely surprising if you have always gone 50/50, I'd just tell him that is your day to day money that has been used though, so you need it back separately from the house, and not assume anything when it comes to finances.

It's also not a terrible thing that he has less money than you, when you combine, you will both have more, but I think you would need to have a sit down and go through exactly who pays for what and what would happen if one of you took ill or couldn't work etc? If you are going to get married you need to know that he will support you like you are prepared to support him.

With regards to his lack of planning of holidays etc, that is unlikely to change, unless it has been lack of funds holding him back, some people just aren't very pro-active when it comes to organising things and that is something you need to decide if you can live with or not, I've got one of those, but I like organising things so it doesn't bother me, every now and again I have to remind him that decisions aren't solely down to me and he steps up his game when I need him to, but he's not a natural planner, doesn't mean he's not a good husband and dad.

Don't get married if you don't think you can communicate with each other effectively though! that's one of the basics.

Marine30 · 13/01/2025 19:22

‘He is a very nice man’ is something you say about the dentist or the guy who fixed your car. Throughout your post you haven’t once mentioned love.
Read back to yourself ‘ He proposed on the holiday I paid for with no actual ring’ - doesn’t scream pre-marital passion does it?

You deserve more OP - step away and move on. Don’t settle which is what it sounds like you’re doing.

category12 · 13/01/2025 19:24

It reads as if he’s trained you well to not expect much from him.

This.

jackstini · 13/01/2025 19:24

Well it's quite a throwaway comment 'he will contribute to our house more than me'

How much more?
How will the ownership be split?
How will ongoing bills be split?
Are you getting married very soon and combining all money anyway?
How much was the holiday?

It might just be he's in the 'all in one pot' mentality already

DwarfPalmetto · 13/01/2025 19:25

Is 'he is a nice man' the best you can do?

Instead of feeling pleased and excited about the engagement, you are feeling hurt, resentful and taken for granted.

You know it's not right. If you were happy and confident about your future with him, you wouldn't be posting on here.

AndThereSheGoes · 13/01/2025 19:25

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/01/2025 19:17

Oh, I just read your kids are almost adults.
Absolutely don't marry this man!
Everything else aside, you are in a position to start having your full independence.
Why have a ball and chain that doesn't make your life better???
😳

As long as they don't live together the financial side of being married makes little difference whilst they are alive. There's nothing to say they need to pool their money. His credit card debts aren't hers.

Stay together, get married, go on holiday. Don't live together or buy any joint assets.

2025willbemytime · 13/01/2025 19:26

Then don't marry him. Nothing in your OP makes me think this is a good relationship that will grow and last forever.

BMW6 · 13/01/2025 19:32

Don't marry him FFS! Use your head not your heart.

Carry on dating etc but keep seperate households and finances. Go on lovely holidays by yourself or with a friend but don't sub him!

Agapornis · 13/01/2025 19:33

There is no way I would enter a financial agreement called marriage with someone like this.

At least make sure you see his credit report.