Page 8 | People making plans with my unborn child!

NewMumsFirstRodeo · 2025-01-12T20:19:05+00:00

FTM - 38 weeks pregnant - so ALOT of this may be down to pregnancy hormones! First grandchild on both sides so of course everyone is very excited. I live directly across from my parents in a small cul-de-sac, and they have purchased their own pram. I told them there was no need as we already have one however all I have heard is 'we want our own pram'. They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't). Just they wanted a pram so went and spent £200 on one. I've also been told they plan to buy a 'running pram', both avid runners and plan to take the baby to local races etc. MIL lives 2 hours away and has bought a bassinet and diaper bag etc 'for when the baby stays with me'. I know everyone means well, and we will appreciate all the support that's given to us, but AIBU to want everyone to stop making plans with my baby who isn't even here yet?! I just want to get my child here safely and spend some time with my husband adjusting to parenthood and then for us to decide who can do what with our child. I feel so overwhelmed with these assumptions that everyone will have access to my child to with how they please!

Gogogo12345 · 13/01/2025 18:11

Wateroffacatsback · 13/01/2025 15:24

@Gogogo12345

Yes, that's lovely. But it's pointless buying things before the baby is even here. Many children won't entertain being put down in a moses basket. I would have liked that idea too but my child contact napped at that age so when we visited he'd be on and off breastfeeding and snoozing on me or on GPs which they adored. Now that he's older he has a sleepover bed in their house.

Well my DD just won't entertain the idea of a baby being held 24/7. And it was given to me and was only a few quid for a new mattress.

Gogogo12345 · 13/01/2025 18:15

verdantverdure · 13/01/2025 17:52

My in-laws used to try and take the baby out of my arms to be in the "brides family only" etc photos at weddings on the grounds that he was family and I wasn't.

They didn't like how I dressed him so they bought sailor suits etc to change him into at their house and took photos of him in the outfits.

They were very unhappy with how little time they "got him to themselves" because I was breast/feeding.

It had completely worn off by the second baby.

Surely your husband could've held him for that. He would be part of that family

Wateroffacatsback · 13/01/2025 18:23

@Gogogo12345

I haven't the foggiest what your point is. That's what worked for you and your daughter. The OP on the other hand is not happy and it's her baby so her choice. If she was well chuffed with the GP's behaviour she wouldn't have started this thread.

Not really interested in your dig about a baby being held 24/7 either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gogogo12345 · 13/01/2025 18:57

Wateroffacatsback · 13/01/2025 18:23

@Gogogo12345

I haven't the foggiest what your point is. That's what worked for you and your daughter. The OP on the other hand is not happy and it's her baby so her choice. If she was well chuffed with the GP's behaviour she wouldn't have started this thread.

Not really interested in your dig about a baby being held 24/7 either 🤷🏻‍♀️

How is it a dig? And it was a reply to your comment saying it was pointless buying stuff before the baby was born. Obviously it wasn't pointless as the baby used the basket at 3 days old.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 13/01/2025 19:43

Katypp · 13/01/2025 14:55

Genuine question: Why are most MNetters so horrible to and about grandparents?
What is it about them that causes so much drama and angst? Do you feel threatened that they might know more than you do I wonder? It stands to reason that someone aged 50+ who has raised at least one child to adulthood will have more experience than someone who is just starting out. That's obvious.
I know research blah blah blah and internet and experts ... but I do wonder if this is the root of the many posts berating gps for really, just being grandparents - you know, the kind you probably had.

Lol.

Any new mum knows that it's nothing to do with new research, it's the fact that at least a quarter of a century after a notoriously sleep deprived period of their lives, older people FORGET. I got asked all sorts of well-intentioned questions about baby milestones that were months off by grandparents. Only people who'd done it relatively recently (in the past 10-15 years) remembered the details.

And to me it's quite simple.

A new mum feels vulnerable. A grandparent feels excited. Which emotion do you think might warrant a bit of kindness and gentle handling?

onwardsup4 · 13/01/2025 19:50

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/01/2025 20:36

Take no notice of them. If they want to waste their money that's their problem. Dh can speak to his family, you can speak to yours but just keep it cool, calm, collected and brief. "Well that's nice that you are being prepared but I may not want to be apart from baby for a good while- we will have to see how it goes"

Agree with this , just don't let it wind you up

Jingleballs2 · 13/01/2025 19:53

No you're not overreacting at all and I would be annoyed with the assumptions that they are just taking the baby without you having said that's OK.
When I had mine (obviously first time mum) I had really bad anxiety over everything and didn't leave him with anyone other than his dad until he was a year old

Gogogo12345 · 13/01/2025 19:59

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 13/01/2025 19:43

Lol.

Any new mum knows that it's nothing to do with new research, it's the fact that at least a quarter of a century after a notoriously sleep deprived period of their lives, older people FORGET. I got asked all sorts of well-intentioned questions about baby milestones that were months off by grandparents. Only people who'd done it relatively recently (in the past 10-15 years) remembered the details.

And to me it's quite simple.

A new mum feels vulnerable. A grandparent feels excited. Which emotion do you think might warrant a bit of kindness and gentle handling?

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Hmm my DS was 5 when my first grandchild was born. I'm sure I hadn't forgotten everything in that time. Else any parent with a bigger gap will have forgotten

Quite narrow minded to think everyone will have at least a quarter of a century since babies

PurpleH · 13/01/2025 19:59

Let them get on with it, and ignore them! Baby won’t leave your side until you want anyway, so pram may not even be used (especially the running one - if you don’t want baby off with them don’t let it!) But if they want to buy that stuff to make them feel excited or because they have expectations, let them, it’s YOUR baby, so your rules when it’s here

Irishpoppy · 13/01/2025 20:03

Rictasmorticia · 12/01/2025 20:35

They don’t mean well. Please take your blindfold off. The are overstepping, selfish and entitled. You need this stopping before the baby is here. How dare they make your last weeks of your pregnancy so full of anxious for you.

Agreed. It’s often really hard to impose boundaries. But it gets easier when baby is here I promise OP.

randomusernam · 13/01/2025 20:41

All the people saying you are over reacting need to be quiet. This is mental that people who are t the parents have brought their own pram. Especially as they live across the road and will have easy access to yours. Next they will be telling you not to bother buying your own because they have one. Before you know it they will have picked everything for your baby. They have too much money to spunk by the sound of it. Tell them to send the pram back and set up a savings account for the baby. That will be far more useful

DaisyCottonClock · 13/01/2025 21:00

I don't think you're over reacting one bit. I'd tell them to take it all back for a refund. Tell your parents a rear facing pram is the only pram that baby will use and the one they've bought isn't suitable. Tell MIL that you and your DH will be in touch when you're ready to let baby sleep over. Who knows if they'll still fit in the bassenet or be in nappies then!

verdantverdure · 13/01/2025 21:24

Why would the grandparents in the same street need to buy a separate pram?!

Nellyelephanty · 13/01/2025 21:27

verdantverdure · 13/01/2025 21:24

Why would the grandparents in the same street need to buy a separate pram?!

Yeah that’s nuts

Wateroffacatsback · 13/01/2025 21:58

verdantverdure · 13/01/2025 21:24

Why would the grandparents in the same street need to buy a separate pram?!

To play with their new dolly when it arrives

NewBoyMama · 13/01/2025 22:04

My parents did EXACTLY the same. Including purchasing a forward facing stroller, didn't understand we always have the pram in the car so wouldn't need it etc.
They eventually got the message and ended up selling the stroller when my baby was a few months old.
He also has never stayed anywhere without us over might as I wasn't comfortable either, and won't be for a long time!
Stick to your guns, only do what you're comfortable with and don't worry about what other people have got or what their plans are. If it's not used, they've wasted their money, not you.

mathanxiety · 13/01/2025 22:43

Gogogo12345 · 13/01/2025 18:15

Surely your husband could've held him for that. He would be part of that family

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Surely the husband could have taken his wife and baby and walked out after giving his overbearing mother a much needed lesson on civility...

Orangeoranges42 · 13/01/2025 23:01

Grandparents and support is the best parenting hack.
Theyll annoy you of course but generally just embrace it, the love for the grande old is a reflection of how much they love you and your partner.

LazyArsedMagician · 14/01/2025 00:45

Wateroffacatsback · 13/01/2025 16:08

My mother asked specifically for me to send links to car seats. She's in her 60s and car seats weren't a thing when I was growing up. She wanted the safest options and found it all overwhelming so I sent a few links to car seats I'd be happy with in different price ranges and she chose from that, insisting she wanted to pay.

So yes, safety guidance changes and advice on what the parents want can be needed. A PP said everything is tested in this country to meet certain safety requirements. But for something like car seats, there are seats on the market that I'm simply not happy using for my child. My mum appreciated the advice as she had no idea what to go for.

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My mother is in her 70s and I'm in my 40s and I had a car seat. Even if I didn't, my mum is capable of going to Mamas and Papas or Halfords or any one of the baby shops that bend you over and shaft you for the cost of baby items. Or she could of course ask me should she need to. But honestly when my babies were little, nearly 16 years ago, no I didn't feel like my mother was so doddery she wouldn't be able to buy something as simple as a pram without my input. And if she did and it wasn't suitable - which I genuinely can't think how she wouldn't know that - I would have just told her.

I say all this knowing that actually neither of my parents bought anything because they didn't need to, we live 200 miles away and travelled with everything we could possibly need.

Wateroffacatsback · 14/01/2025 07:41

@LazyArsedMagician

no I didn't feel like my mother was so doddery she wouldn't be able to buy something as simple as a pram without my input. And if she did and it wasn't suitable - which I genuinely can't think how she wouldn't know that - I would have just told her.

What a marvellously snide little post. No, my mother is not doddery. She's a wonderfully bright and savvy (now retired) businesswoman with two degrees. She is, however, someone who lives with chronic pain 24/7, and doesn't have the "spoons" as they say, sometimes to be taking on extra things in her life. So research into Swedish tested ERF car seats was something she asked me to do for her. Why would she waste her time buying something to then potentially be told it was no good ? What a monumental waste of everyone's time: returning the wrong a car seat and your post!

Zonder · 14/01/2025 08:59

LazyArsedMagician · 14/01/2025 00:45

My mother is in her 70s and I'm in my 40s and I had a car seat. Even if I didn't, my mum is capable of going to Mamas and Papas or Halfords or any one of the baby shops that bend you over and shaft you for the cost of baby items. Or she could of course ask me should she need to. But honestly when my babies were little, nearly 16 years ago, no I didn't feel like my mother was so doddery she wouldn't be able to buy something as simple as a pram without my input. And if she did and it wasn't suitable - which I genuinely can't think how she wouldn't know that - I would have just told her.

I say all this knowing that actually neither of my parents bought anything because they didn't need to, we live 200 miles away and travelled with everything we could possibly need.

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I'm in my 50s and had a car seat. Not when I was really little but after that.

However I'm with the OP on them not asking parents about what type to buy. There's such a range that some parents will have a strong preference for what their child has, and that's their prerogative.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/01/2025 10:01

Katypp · 13/01/2025 12:05

Exactly. There seems to be a trend to jealously guard the baby and be the gatekeeper with the assumption that anyone who has the tenacity to even look at the baby wants to harm it somehow.
Yes the parents are in charge but I do find it utterly bizarre that new parents seem determined to push away the very people who should - all things being equal - be their main source of support in the early days. How things have changed.
And to the pp who asked, it is utterly controlling for the parents to want to veto all equipment which will not even be used in their home. All baby equipment is safety approved before sale, and the baby will not come to any terrible harm or dissolve if it's not placed in the exact eg pram you have 'researched'.

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Baby equipment may be safety approved, but not suitable for the age/weight of the child. The grandparents could buy a forward facing seat, but the parents can insist on a rear facing seat as research has proved that they are safer.

I don't understand why grandparents would buy items like this without checking with the parents.

There are obvious differences between grandparents who are sensitive to the new parents' needs and grandparents who assume that they can do what they want.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/01/2025 10:18

Katypp · 13/01/2025 14:55

Genuine question: Why are most MNetters so horrible to and about grandparents?
What is it about them that causes so much drama and angst? Do you feel threatened that they might know more than you do I wonder? It stands to reason that someone aged 50+ who has raised at least one child to adulthood will have more experience than someone who is just starting out. That's obvious.
I know research blah blah blah and internet and experts ... but I do wonder if this is the root of the many posts berating gps for really, just being grandparents - you know, the kind you probably had.

No, MNetters aren't horrible to and about grandparents. People only post where there are issues.

It's really entitled for grandparents to assume that they are the experts in raising children simply because they have raised at least one child to adulthood. Their baby rearing years are probably at least 30 years ago and advice/equipment has definitely changed since then.

Grandparents who insist that they know best and who make a fuss about following updated advice are probably not going to be trusted to look after their grandchildren.

Jelodah · 14/01/2025 16:49

thepariscrimefiles · 14/01/2025 10:18

No, MNetters aren't horrible to and about grandparents. People only post where there are issues.

It's really entitled for grandparents to assume that they are the experts in raising children simply because they have raised at least one child to adulthood. Their baby rearing years are probably at least 30 years ago and advice/equipment has definitely changed since then.

Grandparents who insist that they know best and who make a fuss about following updated advice are probably not going to be trusted to look after their grandchildren.

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@Katypp . I agree with you. I think there is a lot of insecurity these days mainly due to lack of experience/ confidence , only on Mumsnet and not in the real world that makes some parents hostile and disrespectful towards their own parents!
Luckily I don’t know anyone like this IRL …phew!

Katypp · 14/01/2025 17:56

It's really entitled for grandparents to assume that they are the experts in raising children simply because they have raised at least one child to adulthood. Their baby rearing years are probably at least 30 years ago and advice/equipment has definitely changed since then.

But surely 'simply raising at least one child to adulthood' gives them a head start in the experience stakes? 😂

I have said many times on here, so I may as well say it again. Today's 'advice' is not definitive - it will change. There are things that people are doing with their babies now that will be discredited by the time they are grandparents, and they will think the new advice makes no sense. You may think you will be an enlightened grandparent, but it's difficult to be patronised as if you have no clue because something has changed since your children were babies. Wait and see.