People making plans with my unborn child!

[NewMumsFirstRodeo]

FTM - 38 weeks pregnant - so ALOT of this may be down to pregnancy hormones!

First grandchild on both sides so of course everyone is very excited.

I live directly across from my parents in a small cul-de-sac, and they have purchased their own pram. I told them there was no need as we already have one however all I have heard is 'we want our own pram'. They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't). Just they wanted a pram so went and spent £200 on one. I've also been told they plan to buy a 'running pram', both avid runners and plan to take the baby to local races etc.

MIL lives 2 hours away and has bought a bassinet and diaper bag etc 'for when the baby stays with me'.

I know everyone means well, and we will appreciate all the support that's given to us, but AIBU to want everyone to stop making plans with my baby who isn't even here yet?!

I just want to get my child here safely and spend some time with my husband adjusting to parenthood and then for us to decide who can do what with our child. I feel so overwhelmed with these assumptions that everyone will have access to my child to with how they please!

It will be ok - don’t take any of it to heart. just nod and smile at them; and concentrate all of your energy on yourself and your baby.

I think you just need to relax. My mum brought loads of shit for her house, bottles, steriliser, cot, etc. It all ended up unused and iat the charity shop. My daughter didn't stay with them until after she turned 2, maybe 2 1/2, and even then, it was only for one night.

They can buy what they like it doesn't mean you actually have to allow the baby to stay over.

You need to learn how to say no and mean it. But, I wouldn't be getting into it now before the baby is even born.

I don't think you are unreasonable. It's the assumption that they will be caring for baby all the time, my MIL bought all kinds of things for her place and kept saying how much fun it is "the second time around" like she literally saw it as her baby and didn't even think about me as the mother. She had all these ideas about herself having my baby overnight all the time and was very annoyed at me when it wasn't how things went. Some things are good to have at grandparents but things like a pram and nappy bag that are portable are the babies, and I think it's odd them wanting their own.

It's so much easier when the grandparents have things at their house. I am way past the first baby stage, as my youngest is in primary school and others are in higher education now. Over the years they've had everything from spare toys, buggies, scooters, and bikes to high chairs—all sorts. The kids feel at home there and have toys, etc, to look forward to when they visit. I imagine it feels a bit suffocating now because every bit of your being wants to keep the baby close to you; I'd lean into the help and support where you feel comfortable doing so. But don't rush into anything, they should also have your best interests in consideration too.

Ahhh OP. I remember when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with my first son and I just couldn't believe that after all that time growing him, people would just take him away from me. I had separation anxiety before he was even born! Im not saying that this is the case for you, but I can imagine how these comments must be making you feel.

Try your best to look at this from a different angle. How lovely that both grandparents are so excited for the new family memeber.

They will never take the baby from you, they are just excited! Try and focus on that ❤️

I would hate this. No one apart from DH had either of my babies alone until closer to the 9 months mark. I will be the same with baby number 3. It isnt a favour to take baby off mum if its not what she wants to be apart from baby. Anyone truly wanting to help YOU will ask you what help you need or just muck in with other stuff like a meal of a quick hoover or drop milk or bread over

the useful stuff at grandparents was a changing mat, a bouncing chair and later a high chair.

I know it's hard to believe it now but I am sure that at some point you will be very grateful for this support and enthusiasm. My son was the first Grandchild and everyone was falling over themselves to babysit and now there are 7 (3 are mine) he barely gets a look in and we get zero babysitting offers!

Remember if you have siblings who are likely to have children your parents will be equipping their house for all their future grandchildren so it's not just your wishes that come into play re the pram. If it bothers you to this extent then you should just tell them though.

On the basis your parents live across the road they’ve lost the plot. MIL isn’t much better - at least know babies sleep in a Moses basket before wasting your money.

This seems to nail it, tbh.

A pleasant word, but a clear word none the less.

Don’t burn any bridges but just be clear you want to feel your way into parenthood, have some space, and decide when you’re ready who can do what.

I would ask your partner to speak to his family and remind them that as a FTM you need to be allowed to bond with your baby and make decisions for yourselves about the welfare of your baby without others over stepping and trying to take control. Behaviour like this from family members can contribute to post natal depression if you’re not allowed the time to bond and feel like your baby is being passed around and other people making decisions on changing them/feeding them/taking them for walks. Just remember to focus on what you have control of and try to drown out thoughts of what they’re up to. At the end of the day they’re excited and just want to love and care for your baby, which is wonderful, but sometimes people don’t realise when they’re being too much! A gentle reminder to both sets of parents that you are the parents now and therefore you get to make the decisions would be my suggestion. Keep it friendly and just keep reminding them if they overstep a boundary and that you know they mean well

It’s honestly so helpful when grandparents have baby items so you don’t need to pack everything when you visit. Both sets in our family have pushchairs, car seats, high chairs etc. Only thing I checked was car seats and that’s for the safety aspect. They’re trying to help and they’re excited!

You don’t have to ever leave your child with anyone you don’t want so don’t worry about that, even if they ask you can say no. But at some point you may want a break and then it will be great they have everything.

It entirely depends on how close you are to both sides of the family and how comfortable you feel. My kids are 3 years old and 8 months old and they won't be staying over anyone's house until much older. I personally don't think it would be in my kids best interests right now.

You'll have a much clearer idea of things once baby is here. You might be super keen to get time to yourselves or you might be like me & my partner and prefer being together. Neither is wrong and you can feel differently as time goes on Hopefully your family will give you breathing space initially to enjoy your little family and bond before trying to seperate you.

I don't like this sort of behaviour from grandparents. They've had their turn. They're stepping on your toes.

My ex MIL wanted the first lock of my child's hair FFS and all sorts of other demands. She took a lot from me after a terrible pregnancy and her son was an asshole to me (to put it mildly). She bought my baby a horrible second hand pushchair from a charity shop and I was really upset, it was awful. I don't know what she was thinking. I think this was for the holiday she'd assumed we were going on without asking maybe ..I forget. 🙄🤔

Anyway, ignore and/or set them straight. YOUR baby, your decisions. Hope next few weeks go smoothly. It's an anxious time. Try not to stress and get rest.

Op you tell your parents and dh tells his mum.
No one will be making any plans without my say so and until I'm ready and when I'm ready I will ask. Do not push me

Now, whilst your hormones are making you feel less like people pleasing, is a great time to put some boundaries in place and manage their expectations.
Just in relationship to the running buggies, they can’t be used until they’re a certain age- I think it’s 6 months or when they can sit up. Also be sure to do research about child seats, it’s often a contentious point with grandparents.
Mine has never been left with grandparents. I was open to it whilst pregnant, but have never felt comfortable with it once he arrived.

If that was my parents, I'd be telling them to return the pram as my baby would not be going in it. Total CFs.

They’re probably just excited but it might not be a bad idea to set some boundaries. To be honest, I wish my in laws (divorced, so two households) had bought a high chair, travel cot and a changing mat of something as we spent the first 18 months - 2 years lugging it all about everywhere. There’s a happy medium when it’s helpful but not overstepping I think, maybe yours have gone too far for you.

You are the baby’s mother, if you don’t want baby staying overnight, babysitting for a few hours, or leaving baby with them at all, you have absolutely every right to say no. OP you need some boundaries with both sets of grandparents. Don’t be manipulated.

I do get this OP I felt like this while pregnant too - I think it’s totally natural at this stage of pregnancy. But when they get here you’re just so grateful when they have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents. Both my mum and mil got their own (second hand) prams, change tables, cots, high chairs and originally I was like wtf the baby is not moving in with you! Now I’m just so pleased that I have less stuff to lug to theirs with me (and get nights off while they babysit) , albeit yours being over the road with a second pram is a little ott haha.

Another thing that really annoyed me was everyone telling me they wanted to visit me in hospital.. when I was pregnant I was like no way! But when baby arrived I was really happy for parents to visit in hospital. Just an example that feelings may change once LO is here.

Kindly, it sounds like they’re enthusiastic and will be great grandparents to have around.. and you may well feel differently after birth. If they become overbearing / trying to take baby away from you in a way you aren’t comfortable with after birth then absolutely have words, but for now I would just try and ignore it and enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy.

As a FTM myself my advice would be to think great I have babysitters When I want them don't allow access when your not happy about it but otherwise see It as a good thing that there is so much love for your baby already x

Try not to let it get to you. Just say that’s great, i’ll let you know when baby can go out with you etc. You might be grateful for them to take baby for a walk so you can catch up on sleep or cook some dinner, or you might not want baby out of your sight for 6 months. But do be firm if you’re not ready. It is nice to have help and grandparents who are keen to get involved.

Completely understand how you feel OP - it’s a shame people can’t just wait for baby to be born or ask “we’re thinking about getting this- what are your thoughts”

It is a hard time being 38 weeks pregnant - you’re tired / potentially not sleeping much / feel huge / not able to roll over in bed and probably quite anxious if this is your first baby. I’m sure hormones are playing a part too. It’s weird thinking everyone wants a chunk of something of yours that’s so precious that you haven’t even had a chance to bond with.

The bottom line is you and partner are parents and no one can pressure you into anything until you both feel ready. As other posters have suggested at some point (potentially soon) you will be very grateful that this baby has so much love so close by and so many people wanting to be hands on. They’re probably just v overexcited and not understanding the anxiety side of things.

If it really is bothering you maybe a few conversations where you say “I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about being away from baby so need to play it by ear” etc so some boundaries are already being put in place. I have a 7 month old now and we genuinely can’t get rid of her fast enough as much as we love her 😂 which is v different to how I get even a few months ago. Everything is a phase. Hormones are a bitch. Breathe, speak to your partner and enjoy newborn cuddles - they’re the best. Congratulations x

Ahhh, I remember crying about this when I was in late pregnancy. MIL kept excitedly telling me all the things she was going to do with my son. Even FIL was telling her her plans were OTT.

It's entirely normal to feel protective of your baby, and you don't need to feel coerced into babysitting because you might want babysitting later!

My son has never slept in the cot at my ILs, let alone been taken solo on all the trips MIL planned (in fact, when she does babysit him, at the merest whiff of a cloud in the sky, she opts to look after him at home).

He's only 15m, he has lovely times with both grandparents but we don't feel the need to have him packed off on daytrips with him yet.

Sounds like they have expectations of what being a grandparent is.
My in laws had this- they presumed they’d be getting “alone time” and babysitting from weeks old.
It caused a lot of friction when this wasn’t wanted, it’s hard to know what support you would like before the baby is here so can be hard to set boundaries pre birth.
However I would speak to your side and get DH to speak to his and say you get they’re excited and that’s lovely but your really looking forward to being parents but will let them know what support you want going forward when you know - but you can’t imagine being separated from your baby.
Try not to sweat them buying stuff. It is really annoying but it’s their money to waste.

But it won't be you using it will it