People making plans with my unborn child!

[NewMumsFirstRodeo]

FTM - 38 weeks pregnant - so ALOT of this may be down to pregnancy hormones!

First grandchild on both sides so of course everyone is very excited.

I live directly across from my parents in a small cul-de-sac, and they have purchased their own pram. I told them there was no need as we already have one however all I have heard is 'we want our own pram'. They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't). Just they wanted a pram so went and spent £200 on one. I've also been told they plan to buy a 'running pram', both avid runners and plan to take the baby to local races etc.

MIL lives 2 hours away and has bought a bassinet and diaper bag etc 'for when the baby stays with me'.

I know everyone means well, and we will appreciate all the support that's given to us, but AIBU to want everyone to stop making plans with my baby who isn't even here yet?!

I just want to get my child here safely and spend some time with my husband adjusting to parenthood and then for us to decide who can do what with our child. I feel so overwhelmed with these assumptions that everyone will have access to my child to with how they please!

You say you live across from your parents ,?
Lordy...expect them to dropping in ALL the time

Prams seem a bit unnecessary because you're child will have one wherever they go presumably but try not to read too much into it. I can see why your folks might want the running pram, that seems sensible.

I think it's nice for grandparents to have their own stuff for babies, it doesn't mean they're trying to monopolise your child, they may just want to save you the trouble of having to bring lots with you every time. I'm certainly grateful my mum kept a lot of stuff at home.

I know you said you will be grateful for the support but do not underestimate just what a boon that is. When people ask the 'how hard is it having kids' question, I will always start with 'do you have family nearby who will help? Because I think that makes everything so much easier - for example it means you don't have to be the couple who never has a night out together for 6 years or whatever.

So try not to worry too much about anyone else's plans. And all the best for the birth and thereafter. 🤗

Cheeky buggers! Who said you'd be happy with time apart for them to go running with your child? Or that you'd be happy with them having the baby overnight.

Why don't you just have a statement ready and keep repeating.

Tbh I breast fed so baby didn't go anywhere without me for about 8 months. I wasn't ready for an overnight for my first until he was about 6. Just remember this is YOUR baby and no one, and I mean no one has a right to spend time with your baby, only you and the father.

Yep. I had a (hand me down) Moses basket and later, a travel cot. Both of which meant that my DD had somewhere for baby to sleep/nap when she came round.

@Jelodah - I completely agree, i've never heard of anyone having issues with their IL's/Parents being excited and helpful until I read all these types of threads on Mumsnet?
In my personal opinion, I was so happy for my parents to be involved as much as possible and was really grateful for the help!

@Gogogo12345

Yes, that's lovely. But it's pointless buying things before the baby is even here. Many children won't entertain being put down in a moses basket. I would have liked that idea too but my child contact napped at that age so when we visited he'd be on and off breastfeeding and snoozing on me or on GPs which they adored. Now that he's older he has a sleepover bed in their house.

Me too! It was brilliant. They managed to be excited without kitting out their homes with useless baby stuff before baby had arrived though. They're pretty chill people, thank goodness.

Keep up the mantra "That's kind but we are the parents" with a smile on your face. "Oh wouldn't that be funny, don't forget who the parents are".

All sounds very weird. They shouldn’t be assuming they’ll be taking the baby away from you. I would feel the same. You need to make sure your put your foot down when the baby arrives and know that it’s ok to say ‘no’

Absolutely your last paragraph. As some other ahave said you don’t know when you’ll be happy for baby to be away from you and 2 hours away, may even be a toddler by then! So I can totally understand why it is not feeling ok.

trust your instinct. Your body will tell you of your boundaries are being invaded

You missed the bit where they should go No Contact!

Agreed. The people saying otherwise have never been made to feel like a glorified incubator, or had to sit aside during the “grandparent shower” or watched an entire nursery be formed in someone else’s home for their own child.

My ExMIL once travelled 2 hours to my city to visit a special going out of business sale at a big baby store. While I was pregnant. She didn’t tell me anything about it, but called me afterwards to rave about all the great purchases she made for my impending arrival. She cleaned house. Kit out a nursery of her own and stuff for mine. I said, “it might have been nice if we could have went together.”

I was also called overly hormonal when I suggested we didn’t need additional prams and perhaps I wanted to choose at least some of my own items for my own baby/nursery.

GP’s can and do overstep and you’re allowed to find your own place. Some people don’t like GP’s doing overnights or having baby without parents there. This isn’t wrong, it’s personal preference. It doesn’t stop GP’s from bonding at all.

Having a newborn is the perfect time to stop being a people pleaser and develop boundaries! You and your husband are your baby's advocates, and you two need to put your foot down over anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Why does the MIL expect to have the baby over at hers alone? Bit forward isn't it?

Do we all think our own parents seriously need help choosing a car seat or a pram?! Come on now. None of us are that ancient.

I think you need to set some boundaries for sure - no baby won't be spending overnights with you, you won't be asked to babysit for long enough that a crib will be needed, no you won't be taking my baby out running what on earth makes you think you would?! - but let them have their own stuff if they want. It's not hurting anyone. You wouldn't be asking a childminder to confer on which pram they have for your kid so just chill on that.

They're excited. Tell them to calm down.

I don’t know what the point of this comment was

My mother asked specifically for me to send links to car seats. She's in her 60s and car seats weren't a thing when I was growing up. She wanted the safest options and found it all overwhelming so I sent a few links to car seats I'd be happy with in different price ranges and she chose from that, insisting she wanted to pay.

So yes, safety guidance changes and advice on what the parents want can be needed. A PP said everything is tested in this country to meet certain safety requirements. But for something like car seats, there are seats on the market that I'm simply not happy using for my child. My mum appreciated the advice as she had no idea what to go for.

But surely the car seat wasn't needed until she started babysitting the child? They have their little infant seat usually from newborn, so even if she was minding the baby at say 2mo for the day, they can just arrive in their infant seat, which can then be used.

I appreciate if grandparents are doing Nursery runs or taking older babies for full days (once outgrown the infant seat) its simpler for them to have a fixed carseat if used a lot.

But not buying their own before birth when they don't even have a child to look after yet, or even an arrangement in place for regular childcare.

@MissDoubleU

The people saying otherwise have never been made to feel like a glorified incubator, or had to sit aside during the “grandparent shower” or watched an entire nursery be formed in someone else’s home for their own child.

Christ alive, that's absolutely wild. What an absolute cringe!

@JimHalpertsWife

Yes, that's my point. They used our infant seat until after one year old. Then asked our advice on buying the next size car seat. They never just went ahead and bought unnecessary baby things.

Inlaws did similar. Dh told me to just smile and grit teeth as he had no intention of baby staying away and he would have a word if it came up. So when mil started to push dh firmly put boundaries in.

It’s bonkers. I find your parents more outrageous than your MIL. You will I expect go to stay at your inlaws or at least be there for the day where you’ll need a cot for naps. Your parents do not need their own pram. Idiots.

Not even the half of it! My absolute favourite was my own mother, on my first night home from hospital with my first baby. She said: “You already got to bath the baby once, that means it’s MY turn to do it now.”

I said excuse me, I will bath my own child as many times as I like before you get “a turn” and the entitlement is not helping your case at all!! She did not make it easy and tried to stand over me and micromanage everything. I am very firm that parents should have their boundaries as strong as they like. It is a delicate time and “excited” grandparents can and do stomp over feelings when these new mums should be being supported in their own new roles.

Ignore. Their fantasies about what should happen are unlikely to match the reality.

When I was a baby I was handed over to each set of grandparents from birth.
My mother wasn't happy about it but felt she had to. Obviously I can't limit if it did me any harm but I don't believe that sort of separation is good for a baby.
There were all sorts of expectations about what I would do with my baby and I did none of it. Even the expectations I had turned not to suit the personality of my newborn.

My in-laws used to try and take the baby out of my arms to be in the "brides family only" etc photos at weddings on the grounds that he was family and I wasn't.

They didn't like how I dressed him so they bought sailor suits etc to change him into at their house and took photos of him in the outfits.

They were very unhappy with how little time they "got him to themselves" because I was breast/feeding.

It had completely worn off by the second baby.