People making plans with my unborn child!

[NewMumsFirstRodeo]

FTM - 38 weeks pregnant - so ALOT of this may be down to pregnancy hormones!

First grandchild on both sides so of course everyone is very excited.

I live directly across from my parents in a small cul-de-sac, and they have purchased their own pram. I told them there was no need as we already have one however all I have heard is 'we want our own pram'. They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't). Just they wanted a pram so went and spent £200 on one. I've also been told they plan to buy a 'running pram', both avid runners and plan to take the baby to local races etc.

MIL lives 2 hours away and has bought a bassinet and diaper bag etc 'for when the baby stays with me'.

I know everyone means well, and we will appreciate all the support that's given to us, but AIBU to want everyone to stop making plans with my baby who isn't even here yet?!

I just want to get my child here safely and spend some time with my husband adjusting to parenthood and then for us to decide who can do what with our child. I feel so overwhelmed with these assumptions that everyone will have access to my child to with how they please!

Don’t sweat it. Focus on you and the baby. When you have the baby Tell them no visitors for 24 hours. Turn iff the door bell and disconnect the land line. you’ll be glad of their help when the time comes. They will calm down eventually.

I haven’t had children but I can’t imagine buying my own pram for nieces and nephews or friends baby without going from the first point of how the parents want their baby to ride! And getting their recommendations. And I wouldo say I’m not being presumptuous it would just be easier for me to have own equipment for when you do ask me so that everyone is clear why..

My 2.5 year old has never stayed overnight with my parents or in-laws. When he was a baby MIL would say things like "when you stay with me etc", but when it comes down to it no one else has the boobs, or wanted to be woken up in the middle of the night and then be up for the day at 6am 😀

You're not obligated to hand your baby over to anyone. When comments are made you can say "we don't need to set dates now, we'll see how things go".

Some people seemed quite keen to make me feel neurotic / inexperienced / over protective. I find it much easier to ignore now 🙂

It's not the equipment that is the problem, but the implication that they have decided the things they plan to do with the child when it arrives!

Let the equipment wash by you - it is their money to waste! - but make sure that you be clear about what you are happy for them to do with your child as and when things arise. I would cross these bridges when I get to them!

Cannot understand what is wrong with people 🤷‍♀️I genuinely think it’s MN sheeple behaviour.
IRL I had / have a huge circle of friends who all had their children around the same time . Cannot ever remember any precious attitudes towards helpful parents and ILs .
My children who are all adults have such fond memories of Grandma who they spent a lot of time with from babies to teenagers.
One memory that makes me smile was the clapped out pram ,bought from a charity shop that my darling Mum got for the children to sleep in ,out in the garden under the apple tree.
My daughter is expecting number 2 and was/ is so grateful for the support,love and interest that we have shown to our grandchild.

You just need to tell them - and I'd also set clear boundaries for them popping in to see you, especially your parents if they are so close. I've recently had my third and only with this one felt confident enough to set the boundaries before the baby came, but when I had my in laws were round constantly and it made me so miserable. Protect your bubble, OP!

I don't think you're overreacting at all! It is exciting for everyone, but they absolutely should've said "shall we get x y z for baby at ours" And tbh a pram is such a waste of money, cos you live over the road so no scenario in which you couldn't bring the pram with you! Whether or not I'd have the balls to tell them is different though.

I reckon a good compromise is popping over with the baby in a carrier (when they're here!) and using their pram for naps at their house while you're having a cup of tea/dinner/lunch whatever. Or somewhere to lay in the garden while you enjoy the sun?

Although I know its not so much the 'stuff' more the pressure from people that you're going to want to hand over baby for stretches of time!

You’ll just need to gently introduce the idea now that while you want them to have a lovely relationship with their grandchild you aren’t planning on overnights or spending time away from the baby for a good few months and the equipment they have bought might be too small by then. Unless of course you’re happy that you’ll get some time away from the baby when it is very small in which case just count your blessings!

if you’re uncomfortable with the pram they have bought then don’t leave it so late they can’t return it to inform them you won’t be happy to leave the baby with them if they are to use that pram. It’s a huge waste.

Why buy a running buggy now? It’s not safe to run with a baby until they are 6 months old and you may not be comfortable with it at all.

I do think it's odd them buying a pram when you live opposite. I have this vision of you wheeling the baby over to their house, then changing the baby to theirs. And surly all supplies eg nappies, wipes, clean clothes etc will be in/under the pram?

The other grandparents I can understand more. Saves you having to bring so much in the car.

Totally agree. They are excited and bought things. So what?

"Nothing necessarily wrong with it, just that it was more of a front facing stroller - both me and my husband wanted something that can be adjusted to rear facing so we can keep an eye on them/make sure they are ok - I know it's not a massive deal just personal preference!"
By the time the baby is old enough for them to be using their own pram, they'll want to be able to look around at the world. I assume grandparents won't be taking the baby out by themselves in the very early days so I wouldn't worry!

It is absolout madness for grandparents, off their own backs, to buy pushchairs and change bags etc. It's like they are toddlers playing Mummies ans Daddies again.

Let it wash over you. Say no to solo baby visits etc. And let them have wasted their money.

Because they don't need anything! The OP hasn't even asked them to babysit yet. Heck, he hasn't even given birth yet!!

If they set up a regular arrangement for childcare somewhere down the line, then sure, it's nice to pick up their own stuff to use and keep at their home. Bit to do it now, before a baby has arrived, before anyone has even been asked to babysit?

It's massively overstepping.

Sorry I don’t agree and not in my eyes. But everyone is different.

Genuine question: Why are most MNetters so horrible to and about grandparents?
What is it about them that causes so much drama and angst? Do you feel threatened that they might know more than you do I wonder? It stands to reason that someone aged 50+ who has raised at least one child to adulthood will have more experience than someone who is just starting out. That's obvious.
I know research blah blah blah and internet and experts ... but I do wonder if this is the root of the many posts berating gps for really, just being grandparents - you know, the kind you probably had.

I Don't think buying a pushchair in readiness for babysitting an as yet unborn child that isn't your own is not "just being a grandparent". Maybe you do.

I feel like your reaction is really OTT. I loved that my mum and my MIL did all of this. It made it so much easier when we went to their houses which was often. And I thought it was lovely. I don't understand why you are so bothered by it.

Our parents have managed to be the best and most valued and loved grandparents without going and buying totally unnecessary baby things, especially not big purchases like a bloody bassinet or pram that would never be used.

As our child grew my mother has enjoyed buying some lovely toys for her house which he enjoys playing with when he visits, and they've also enjoyed doing certain "firsts" with him. I'm not precious about what they do.

But buying things like cribs and prams is weird. Unless you're buying them as a gift for the new parents!

Yes agree entirely..it’s not their baby!!! They dont Have rights to say “we are using this and not what you want”. I can’t believe someone would use a different stroller to the one parents say they want their baby in

I do wonder if these parents have regrets about how they did it first time round and are using grandchildren to have what they didn’t have when it was their turn

Or do some grandparents overstep.
My in laws criticised my EBF because they wanted to feed my baby bottles.
They also asked for alone time from 8 weeks old and when they didn’t get it they went behind my back to my husband to try and get him to agree.
They criticised my parenting and made creepy breastfeeding comments.
They do say they’re more experienced parents than us- having a baby 30+ years ago doesn’t make you an expert in my baby.

This!

Agree, it’s creepy because I think their is a huge subtext about what hasn’t been had with your own babies

Because everyone is different, your assumptions of how you should behave as a grandparent may not align with the parents. And ultimately if you want a good relationship with your child and grandchildren you need to let them lead on what they are comfortable with.

I am open to my mum being an involved grandparent to an extent. Don’t expect her to be doing childcare or overnights. She wouldn’t want them. If I assumed she would be doing that she would be annoyed.

Whereas my SIL will not leave her children with anyone apart from her DH and childminder. She has no interest in someone ‘babysitting’ she doesn’t want time away from her kids. Her family were annoyed about that, they had different expectations but they had to adapt quickly because they have no rights and cannot dictate how she raises her kids.

Hopefully you have children that have the same way of thinking as you, but just because you have certain expectations doesn’t mean that you are right. Just be there and be helpful and build a relationship with your GC in the remit their parents are comfortable.

No one is jealous of grandparents or their knowledge. People are just trying to raise their babies the way that feels right to them and you don’t get a say

Imagine knocking on your mum and asking if she wants to come for a walk with you and the baby and she says "hang on, swap the baby over to my pushchair"

Ffs.

I've a Moses basket In my house. It's useful for DD to put her baby in when she's at mine. She only lives 10 mins away but would have to bring a carrycot or crib each time otherwise