People making plans with my unborn child!

[NewMumsFirstRodeo]

FTM - 38 weeks pregnant - so ALOT of this may be down to pregnancy hormones!

First grandchild on both sides so of course everyone is very excited.

I live directly across from my parents in a small cul-de-sac, and they have purchased their own pram. I told them there was no need as we already have one however all I have heard is 'we want our own pram'. They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't). Just they wanted a pram so went and spent £200 on one. I've also been told they plan to buy a 'running pram', both avid runners and plan to take the baby to local races etc.

MIL lives 2 hours away and has bought a bassinet and diaper bag etc 'for when the baby stays with me'.

I know everyone means well, and we will appreciate all the support that's given to us, but AIBU to want everyone to stop making plans with my baby who isn't even here yet?!

I just want to get my child here safely and spend some time with my husband adjusting to parenthood and then for us to decide who can do what with our child. I feel so overwhelmed with these assumptions that everyone will have access to my child to with how they please!

I wouldn't want anyone running with my child or keeping my small baby overnight

All of this is spot on. I definitely wouldn't entertain a conversation about it for a long while. But do expect them to put pressure on you to come over regularly so they can see grandchild often. Let your husband know not to invite them over until you are comfortable

@Allswellthatendswelll

Unless they are planning to snatch the baby in the night then surely OP can just say no.

Well, of course she can. And should. I agree.

I just think it's utterly bonkers behaviour and don't know anyone who does this vs

Does this sort of thing. Buying things can come in time as the need arises. It smacks of treating the baby as a doll and I don't believe it comes from a place of helping OP. Mad notions of taking the baby to their races and racing with baby in the pram.

Maybe they could calm down and just see what happens when the baby arrives and be genuinely supportive to OP instead of buying accessories for the new dolly.

They obviously aren't planning to snatch the baby from you, just chill you will have all the time you need at home and it's good u have people willing to help and chip in

OP I was such a people pleaser pre baby, but I found as soon as my DS arrived I found my voice/courage as I was putting him first so was happy to tell people when to back off so you may find it easier than you expect to do so once your baby is here! My in laws are now super respectful, first few weeks were rocky while boundaries we established, defo get DH on board he needs to deal with his parents while you do with yours, polite but very firm is that best way I found! “Im so happy DC has grandparents that love him but he/she won’t be doing over night stays/has their own pram etc”

Even if baby doesn't stay with mil hopefully you'll visit in the first few months and it can do its daytime naps there. It's quite normal for grandparents to have Moses baskets

Politely set your boundaries but remember a lot of this is just excitement & you may be glad of their help, when YOU are ready. “we’re glad you’re excited about baby coming. Baby will be in our pram though, until we think they are ready to be front facing.” “That’s nice you’ve bought things for when we visit with baby. It will be handy to have somewhere to pop her for a nap. Overnights won’t be an option just now without us but we will discuss when we are ready.”

It often works out handy to have things at grandparents - mine now have a car seat, cheapy pram and a travel cot, means I can visit on the train or without the car being rammed. The important thing is you make it clear what you are ok with, regarding safety and time with baby. I found really grandparents just wanted to spend time with baby, it wasn’t so much about taking them away from me. When I said I wasn’t comfortable then being away overnight without us we all stayed over, so MIL could see baby’s bathtime and have a cuddle at bedtime etc.

Why have they bought that so early
on? I didn’t buy a buggy until my child was about a year old! Before that they were in the pram and then rear facing and then forward facing pram/buggy seat. We got the buggy/stroller for a holiday and days out to save room in the boot.
And jogging buggies you need to wait until the baby has a strong sitting up position! I’d just let them get on with it and waste their money. They sound nuts to me.

This. Pram is not important (your baby won't spend that much time in it anyway as it will be with you, so your pram is the main pram it will be in!).
But the sleeping away thing is a red flag - in my experience, you won't want that to happen until the baby is about a year old, and even then,... (unless you are sleeping over too).
So I would start to make noises about this, or even BETTER - your husband should be (it's his parents), saying 'WE' etc etc (so it's not SHE doesn't want the baby staying over etc).

I think it is mostly hormones. If you all go to visit MIL not dragging everything there will make it easier.

The pram across the road is unnecessary but my MIL struggled with our proper pram as she never got the hang of folding it and was scared of breaking it. She preferred the basic one I bought for train journeys.

The big travel system doesn't last that long (well it does but there's comes a point where other options can be easier) so it may come in.

I do understand how you feel but I think it's mostly hormones. My husband's friend made a joke announcement that I was incandescent about at the time but in hindsight it was quite funny.

They are all excited and it's quite sweet. You will be glad of the help at some point.

I know on here people like the 'shut yourself away just with the baby ' but I loved the visitors and taking the baby anywhere that wasn't home. I'm not normally very sociable but it was easier when the focus was on baby instead. I found just sitting in oppressive but everyone is different.

Also why is everyone assuming MIL intends this for having the baby alone?

My mum got stuff in so I could stay with her or get there on the train. It wasn't with a sinister view of taking over my baby it was to make visiting easier.

By the time you stick the pram in a car they get full quickly and the less you have to drag places the better.

Why on earth would people living across the road to you want a pram of their own,
what makes them think they will ever be taking the baby out in the pram - have you asked them to do childcare x times a week so you can return to work ?

Why would someone who lives thinks the baby would be staying overnight ? surely you would be there - with a travel cot and a diaper bag ?!!!

All well and good in theory but you might need to tell that to the baby.

My first loved rear facing. He stayed that way ages and I loved it

His sister on the other hand hated it. Screamed blue murder. Could perform a Houdini manoeuvre with the straps to push herself up in a bid to escape.

Put her front facing and she was good as gold. She preferred waving at strangers and ducks.

She also hated the carrycot. I think she was nosey.

I don't think you can get a proper newborn suitable bassinet pram for £200. No child of mine would be going in a forward facing pushchair type thing until past 6 months- I'd be telling them that.

Certainly not on for them to be buying large things that you haven't approved. Times have changed. Have they done any research?

Honestly my advice is to breastfeed (if you get on well with it) and then nobody can take baby away from you for very long.

It’s up to them what they buy. Just tell them that in their shoes you’d hold off on any size-specific purchases, it it may well be many months before you’re happy for the baby to be away from you.

I think there's a big difference between your MIL buying a bassinet for when you visit and your parents buying a running pram so they can run round town with your baby. That would piss the crap out of me and I'm very lazy about boundaries (I hate that freakin word).

This would drive me insane. My MIL said she can't wait for my baby to go there (another country and flight away) for holidays when she's bigger and i panicked. Fwiw I think this is a very instinctual, natural response. I always like to think about animals in the wild and how protective they are. It's totally natural. Just tell them you'll decide if and when you leave your baby. Always be firm, it's hard to learn to do this! Babies change the dynamics in families and you go from being the DIL to the one who has final say, it feels weird at first but it's how it has to be

Yanbu re your parents, they are thinking about tgemselves nit tge baby. Why on earth would a baby want to go to a running meet? It’s different if the mother wants to run and taking the baby helps her keep it up. Even then i would worry a bit about the bouncing and getting too hot/cold. But there is absolutely no reason for a grandparent to take a baby running.

re your MIL she is perhaps thinking about when you all go and stay - but obviously she is being U if she thinks the baby will be staying with her alone.

I was like this when pregnant and even for the first few months after baby was here, now I doesn't bother me, I actually appreciate it

As someone who hates confrontation I'm afraid as a mother you will have to start putting your foot down and saying no. It's your baby, you're the mum. It's uncomfortable but what's more important, what you think is important for your child, or what they think? You can respect them in every other way and listen to opinions but this is your child.

My parents did this exact same thing- spend a stupid amount on a full car system, and I freaked out because I wasn’t planning on letting anyone else other than me and my husband drive my DD anywhere, certainly for the first year! Plus a full crib set and baby walkers (which I don’t want to use). I fretted and fretted about whether I should say something- in the end, when she arrived no one actually pushed anything on me and they were all very respectful of my authority in terms of parenting decisions. We use the system we bought, because of course- we have it with us at all times anyway! We joke with my parents now, and my dad even says ‘I have no idea why I wasted all that money on that system I cant even figure out how to collapse it, I just got too excited!!’.

if you have a good relationship with them anyway, I honestly wouldn’t worry about it too much. Just to counter some of the ‘omg say something now, how horrid!’ Type comments, as hearing something like that would have caused me no end of stress, with me spiralling about having that kind of conversation. In our case, it just worked out, no need for any awkward conversations, no boundaries being overstepped. I wish I hadn’t have wasted any precious head space worrying about it.

Why do people think that having a baby entitles them to micromanage every member of their family?
I honestly don't know what this is all about but it's very common on MN.
I haven't read every post, but has anyone said the gps should be honoured and grateful to be allowed to see the baby yet? Someone usually does.

I completely understand you. Its your little baby and it must feel really uncomfortable them just picking a pram , it's something precious that new parents do together , or just deciding that they will be taking baby running or will be staying over at MIL. It's very invasive in your new experience. OK not a massive issue , I'm sure they mean well and probably excited. Try not to stress too much , you will get that precious time to spend with baby and adjust to parenthood. Doesn't matter what anymone has got them in their house. You get to decide if and when baby is ready for overnight stays. You get to decide when baby can go off out in another buggy. When baby gets a bit older and you feel more comfortable with baby around the different grandparents, you might not feel so overwhelmed by it. You could say that's thoughtful about the buggy when we are ready you can take baby out in it, or something similar. I had that with my dc , MIL said once baby starts staying with me I'm going to turn this bedroom into his own room with his favourite character wallpaper . Again it might seem sweet and not an issue but I felt really uncomfortable thinking she's just expecting that he's going to start staying with you. BTW she went on and on and on about over night stays for years but in such a way that became so pressured and demanding way so much so she's never had my child stay over and unlikely too now.