People making plans with my unborn child!

[NewMumsFirstRodeo]

FTM - 38 weeks pregnant - so ALOT of this may be down to pregnancy hormones!

First grandchild on both sides so of course everyone is very excited.

I live directly across from my parents in a small cul-de-sac, and they have purchased their own pram. I told them there was no need as we already have one however all I have heard is 'we want our own pram'. They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't). Just they wanted a pram so went and spent £200 on one. I've also been told they plan to buy a 'running pram', both avid runners and plan to take the baby to local races etc.

MIL lives 2 hours away and has bought a bassinet and diaper bag etc 'for when the baby stays with me'.

I know everyone means well, and we will appreciate all the support that's given to us, but AIBU to want everyone to stop making plans with my baby who isn't even here yet?!

I just want to get my child here safely and spend some time with my husband adjusting to parenthood and then for us to decide who can do what with our child. I feel so overwhelmed with these assumptions that everyone will have access to my child to with how they please!

Oh god, I’ve also just remembered that I was IRATE when my MIL bought nappies for our baby before she was born. Literally made my husband have words with her as it wasn’t the brand I wanted to use.

Now I couldn’t be more grateful that she buys us nappies lol. I put it down to pregnancy hormones.

I'm smiling! Sorry, OP, you're going to have to disappoint them. Just go your own way, and if they've wasted money, they've wasted it.

My dgd is 13. Before she was born, I was overcome with the idea of making a room for her at my house. That was a mad fantasy! I think it comes from the instinct to support the survival of the infant. The ovum that made the baby grew in you while you were in your mother's womb (or so they say, they might be making that up). Either way, the connection is very strong.

So to those over-eager grandmas, say 'Thank you, how sweet. I don't know how much use you'll get out of what you've bought, but I think it's a very kind thought.'

And smile sweetly, knowing that they won't be needing those things at all.

You are making a fuss over nothing and TRUST me the support you will get from them will be well needed. I have had amazing support from day one and it is still appreciated over 3 years down the line.

How did you end up living across the road from your parents? If that's a decision you made, you must have had a very close relationship up until now, so maybe it is just pregnancy hormones talking. Most people I know would want a bit more distance even if the relationship was good.

I totally get it. It can be really unsettling when people suddenly start deciding what they're going to do with your baby. Try not to worry though as when the baby is born it will be entirely up to you and your partner who does what with the baby and when, and everyone will have to like it or lump it!

i honestly get this - relatives of mine did this and i hit the roof

I just ignored the fact they had bought it and ignored all requests for them to "have the baby"

politely smile and ignore. They do not need to have the baby at all its your choice

They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't).

Come on now. Being pregnant doesn't have to make you a raging control freak.

@NewMumsFirstRodeo the stroller they have bought is theirs, not yours so that doesnt matter! what makes them think though, that they are going to be having your child enough to warrant another pram, especially when they only live across the road? also, what makes your mil think your infant son will be sleeping at her house anytime soon??? an infant is only in a bassinet for a very short time! dont put up with any of their shit!! this is your baby. they have had their turn at parenthood!!

I think (gently) you might be being a bit overly cautious. My family bought nappies and supplies for their houses, even though we always had the nappy bag - having spares was so handy if we ran short.
In terms of having their own prams, again so handy if they’re going to provide childcare. It saves lugging it out the boot every time you do a drop off. They just sound over excited and you’ve got a bit of pre-labour nerves.

It’s natural you want control over anything relating to your baby, especially right now. I was exactly like this when my first was born. Obviously 100 % give feedback if you feel the stroller or the running with the baby is on any way unsafe. However if possible try to ‘pick your battles’ and accept that people do things differently and accepting childcare does involve allowing that person an amount of autonomy within the relationship. Until you have a baby you can’t appreciate how much work they are and how relentless it can feel. I’m pregnant again and would love people to be making plans to spend time with the baby once they are here. You have every right to give them feedback but just remember to do it gently to avoid them backing off and offering less support.

God people are being so overdramatic on this thread! It's really helpful grandparents having stuff at their houses. Both sets for us have other young grandchildren so they have loads of prams/ highchairs/ cots. We never pack anything.

Obviously you don't have to send baby off to stay the night away from you but you might xfeel comfortable doing this or want the help at some point (for me this was around 18 months). We've had loads of grandparent babysitting help and it's been a huge blessing!

Lots of my friends would kill for involved local grandparents tbh!

I don't think it's PFB. I don't know anyone who behaves like this. It's bloody weird.

The only thing my mother eventually bought was a car seat to save everyone the hassle of taking a seat in and out of cars. But that was only after the age of one as before that he was in the infant carrier which was easy to move about. She asked he to send a few options of car seats I was happy with and she bought one.

Yes but they've bought a bassinet.

I think it's very odd. If the OP was on board with the idea of them having the baby from newborn she wouldn't have made the thread.

I also think they're getting ahead of themselves buying anything before baby is here. They're making massive assumptions about the dynamics. Very embarrassing for them when these items sit gathering dust.

Nod and smile, then make it clear that of course a small baby won't be staying over anyone's houses.

If they want to waste their own money then that's fine.

My mil did the same, my child hated any front facing stroller for the first long long time as he wanted to see us so he never used it till he was much older.
Same with the bed she'd bought for when he'd stay there, he hasn't yet ..
We're not unwilling we just don't have a need to be without him and they have a wonderful relationship without sleepovers while he's tiny and needs his parents.

Let them waste their money if they want some of it might be useful 🤷‍♀️

This and it will be great to have all the support with your new baby

Unless they are planning to snatch the baby in the night then surely OP can just say no. Or maybe the bassinet can be if they all visit there for the day and baby needs a nap/ somewhere to be put down and will save them taking their own.

I'm not saying the OP is like this but from the tone of some posters on threads like this it sems some people seem to delight in excluding grandparents (usually the in laws) for the sake of it. They then complain a few years later they never get any babysitting help!

YANBU.

Tell them all to back way off and cool their engines.

Tell them you're sorry they've chosen to spend money on baby equipment they will never be using and express the hope they've kept the receipts so they can return the items.

You need to be very clear that your baby is not a toy and you will not be handing him or her off to anyone to play with.

And let the chips fall where they may.

By the time you are a few months in with no sleep, colicky baby and a house that looks like burglars have ransacked it you might be desperate for a night off/ day off..don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Smile sweetly, let them crack on and do things at your pace. MN is a weird place..in RL most people I have ever known have made use of willing babysitting before they go insane. In my case, I jumped at the chance!

It is totally fucking mental that your parents want to buy a running pram to take your baby to races. What the fuck?

You’re not unreasonable at all. But you are going to have to dig deep and tell them to pack it in. It’s really unfortunate they live opposite you. They are going to consistently trample on your weak boundaries.

That isn't just "personal preference". It is much better for the child to be face to face with the parent for as long as possible. Research by the National Literacy Trust is very interesting.

https://literacytrust.org.uk/research-services/research-reports/face-face-buggy-research-project-2008-2010/

I wouldn't like any of these things OP, nothing to do with pregnancy hormones. The baby isn't even here yet and both sets seem to have decided how life is going to look!

Yes, I think it's bloody weird too.

The total lack of awareness of how a mother feels about being parted from her baby is so strange - has human nature changed in one generation or did these people just cheerfully hand over their babies to all and sundry when they had them?

Also, do these people lead such completely empty and meaningless lives that the arrival of a grandchild makes them lose their minds?

I'm a grandmother. Stick to your guns!

Yes to this.

How did you all end up living so close together?