People making plans with my unborn child!

[NewMumsFirstRodeo]

FTM - 38 weeks pregnant - so ALOT of this may be down to pregnancy hormones!

First grandchild on both sides so of course everyone is very excited.

I live directly across from my parents in a small cul-de-sac, and they have purchased their own pram. I told them there was no need as we already have one however all I have heard is 'we want our own pram'. They didn't even ask for my input on the type of pram they bought, or if I was happy with their choice (FWIW I wasn't). Just they wanted a pram so went and spent £200 on one. I've also been told they plan to buy a 'running pram', both avid runners and plan to take the baby to local races etc.

MIL lives 2 hours away and has bought a bassinet and diaper bag etc 'for when the baby stays with me'.

I know everyone means well, and we will appreciate all the support that's given to us, but AIBU to want everyone to stop making plans with my baby who isn't even here yet?!

I just want to get my child here safely and spend some time with my husband adjusting to parenthood and then for us to decide who can do what with our child. I feel so overwhelmed with these assumptions that everyone will have access to my child to with how they please!

Who's suggesting the OP should micromanage every member of her family?

She has an issue with certain members of her family making assumptions about what will happen with her baby, and buying items as though they're going to be used. Most of the advice has been to ignore what they're buying and let them store these things to simply gather dust.

I don't see how that is micromanaging.

Buy a carry sling. They'll probably turn out to be snatchers who'll walk off with your baby and refuse to give them back when they're crying.

Gps can't win on here can they? They are either doing far too little or far too much in some people's eyes, anyway. What is actually wrong with grandparents wanting to be involved in their gc's life and buying items for them that will be kept at their house? I think it's sweet and supportive and wouldn't /didn't mind at all with gps being closely involved and loving when our ds was little. Granted, i am very close to my parents and my il's were lovely. As a result, Ds had and has (at 19) an amazing bond with his gps.

You have lots of helpful replies already but tbh your post bought back a lot of memories and decided to say my piece :) I had the first grandchild on both sides, my parents were super chilled but helpful, but in laws were BIZARRE, fil had a plan of the garden drawn up with a climbing frame he was going to make, mil cleared out and entire room and turned it into a baby room, bought nappies and wipes and supplies and absolutely everything, she was far more organised than I was myself tbh and it was all so unsettling. They would also tell me off like a 5yo if I sipped a bit of dh alcoholic drink or lifted anything and honestly made the whole experience so stressful and there were many tears in private but I bit my tongue in the main.

DS is now 1 and the equipment gets used occasionally for absolutely no good reason, mil just insists on using her own supplies even when I send him round with a full changing bag etc, but honestly it hasn't mattered at all or been unsafe, everyone calmed down a bit when the baby actually arrived, and I'm eternally grateful they're such keen babysitters.

I'm pregnant again now and everyone's much calmer, the first grandchild is definitely a novelty! I also have so much more confidence as a mum now and will happily make it clear to everyone that I'm not going to miss out on a minute of the newborn experience this time around. Anyone who 'offers' to take the baby out will be strongly encouraged to take the toddler off my hands while I enjoy newborn cuddles!

YANBU but try to relax and it will likely pass xx

Exactly. There seems to be a trend to jealously guard the baby and be the gatekeeper with the assumption that anyone who has the tenacity to even look at the baby wants to harm it somehow.
Yes the parents are in charge but I do find it utterly bizarre that new parents seem determined to push away the very people who should - all things being equal - be their main source of support in the early days. How things have changed.
And to the pp who asked, it is utterly controlling for the parents to want to veto all equipment which will not even be used in their home. All baby equipment is safety approved before sale, and the baby will not come to any terrible harm or dissolve if it's not placed in the exact eg pram you have 'researched'.

It's such a mumsnet thing I've never had anyone complain in real life that grandparents are too excited or involved.

We evolved to parent in large multi generational groups and it's only in modern times we don't parent like this. Which is probably why people find it so hard. How great that the OP lives so close to her parents. She might even be thrilled they want to take baby out for the day in nine months or so!

Source of support means providing the mother with support, whatever is needed.

Gp aren't seeming to do that, they're planning to 'have a turn' by taking the baby without op being there or having a say in it.

Lots of new mothers, especially first time mothers, get really stressed by the idea of their baby being removed from them, it's not rocket science. Mothers and babies are hard wired to be together. And grandparents can sometimes do peculiar or outdated things with babies, despite good intentions.

YANBU - both sets of parents need a firm reminder that this is your baby, not a doll they get to play with. You will be busy parenting and while they may (or may not) have opportunities to take baby alone, there should be NO assumptions made and it is up to you when and how often. Baby will use their own pram, the same one whoever they are with. With the bassinet I’d find this particularly irritating as it’s implying she will have baby very early on!

I had the same problem and it infuriated me. Set boundaries NOW or they will walk all over you and you’ll be kicking yourself later. Prepare for fall out but stand your ground. This is YOUR baby. Other people like to take all the fun by having their own things. All their own clothes at their own house. This way they get to pick things they like and be in control, or play dress up rather than gift these items to the parents. It’s genuinely so frustrating. They’ve had their time, this is YOURS. If they want to be supportive they need to support the parents, not try and take over and play parents themselves

OP, it's good that you recognise your hormones are playing a part here. I think the month before the arrival and the month after the arrival of the first grandchild is a strange time for everyone in the family - lots of anticipation, no idea what to expect, everyone preparing to take on their new role in the family, new mum's hormones fluctuating. It's really not a reflection of what life will be like 6 months down the line.

Unfortunately I think a lot of people forget what it's like to be a first time mum - all the worry etc, so they forget they need to tone things down a bit. Grandparents are also understandably excited for the arrival but probably also feeling a bit nervous about the changing dynamics. I would cut everyone (yourself included) a lot of slack. Get your DH to deal with all comms with his family and cut down your side's comms if you need to. Try to focus on just relaxing now and the message to anyone about any plans for after the birth should just be "we'll see how things go".

It's very unlikely that anyone will try to take over in your first couple of months post partum, but do communicate clearly to DH if anything is getting too much and get him to pass the message on, loud and clear. You really don't know how you'll feel so no point trying to second guess it at this point. Also, do be aware that your feelings could well change on a weekly basis for the first few months, depending on hormones, milk coming in, how feeding is going, how much sleep you've had. Sometimes I desperately wanted company, other times to be left alone, other times for someone to come and take the baby for 30 mins or so, just so I could have a shower/go for a walk/have a nap.

Either way, try not to burn bridges as you are very likely to want help in future. I've got the opposite problem to you now, in that my parents don't want any kids' stuff at their house and it makes it really difficult to visit with a 3 year old and a newborn as we just have to take SO much stuff. It's much easier at in-laws house, where they have cot, a toddler bed, a highchair, a pram, a blackout blind, and a carseat, as well as cutlery/crockery and lots of toys! We can just pack the kids' clothes and nappy bag and go! It really is lovely enjoying your children with others who love them, so try to ignore any comments about the future for now, and just focus on each day/week as it comes. Best of luck with everything!

If they've bought a pram for their own use, they get to choose their own. The little one will hardly ever be in it.

Presumably you stay with the in-laws as a family and MIL has bought the bassinet for the baby to sleep in when you do. It's a waste of money as baby night week have grown out of it by the time you visit overnight, so it's just excitement.

And yep, I'm a grandma and I have everything that I need for when I'm looking after the baby/small DGCs, and for when they visit with mum. It's surprising how often it's been useful to my DD for me to have this stuff, even if they're just visiting for a few hours.

I didn't buy anything (and it's all second hand) until the baby arrived safely though.

I disagree with your second paragraph as I think that about 85% of the posts on MN berating gps for wanting 'a turn' is just a massive overreaction and drama over absolutely nothing, to be honest.
As I said, the new baby now seems to be jealously guarded, the 'possession' of the parents, who seem to see it as a way to exert control over everyone else. It's MY baby, not yours.
I do laugh at posts like @MissDoubleU, when it's absolutely the parents who are regarding the baby as their toy, their possession, which they will not share with anyone (until they want a babysitter, then it turns to berating the gps for not being involved).
Sites like MN are normalising this silly behaviour, along with the rest of social media.

I completely understand OP. My MIL has been similar, expecting DS (who is now 19mo) to stay at her house on a regular basis when she only lives 45mins away. Needless to say this hasn’t happened.

I just ignore it though sometimes have to really grit my teeth, like when she calls him “my boy” and asks if he loves her. Yikes! That woman has issues.

I think it's you that has issues if you are gritting your teeth at a gp telling your son she loves him.

@Katypp

That's not what the poster said. The GP says "do you love me?"

I'd be cringing too. Just tell the child you love them and they will reciprocate in time. I knew a woman who used to do the same with her son. "Say I love you. Say I love you! Say it. Can you say I love you!"

🤦🏼‍♀️

He’s 19mo, he can’t even say his own name!

Assuming it's not said in an aggressive way (a real aggressive way though, not an imagined one), what is the problem with that?
Are we saying that the child is only allowed to love its parents and no-one else?
It's the parents with issues here, not the gps, who are probably wondering what on earth they've done wrong now.

Noooo....

🙄

Why have you read that as the child is only allowed to love his parents?

I think it's try hard and weird for anyone to ask a child if they love them or try to get them to parrot it at a young age. I would never say to my child "do you love me?" I tell him every day that I love him and one day he hugged me and said it back because he understood the real sentiment behind it. How joyful that moment was and how hollow it would have been if I'd just taught him to parrot it.

Bear in mind PP isn't saying anything to GP. She's being polite and inwardly rolling her eyes.

It’s quite an assumption that you’ll be babysitting though. My SIL is happy for us to visit, doesn’t keep kids away from family but is absolutely resolute that she does not want to be separated from them. She doesn’t want a babysitter, and would be really unhappy if we started making plans to take her children out without her. Her oldest is 6 now and has only ever been in the care of her grandparents alone when SIL was giving birth to her other baby.

Anyway, all of this to say, we should not be making assumptions on what we will be doing with someone else’s baby. Unless it’s clear that OP is happy for baby to be taken out without her they don’t need a pram

Nobody should be making plans or buying anything yet.
Baby isn't here yet.
Wait till arrived and all well first.
Op you have now idea how you will feel either.

Thank you, this is exactly it!

I can only assume they already know you don't plan to breastfeed, otherwise especially for the two hours away grandparents items such a a bassinet for when baby stays overnight are likely to remain unused

This is what you want OP, engaged grandparents who want to look after your child.

@Rorous

I get it. It sounds like she's hoping he'll say it to her first if she keeps on at him. I cringe hard at that sort of thing.

But it’s her baby going in it? Lol. I think people are getting caught up on her not liking the pram. They can buy whatever pram they want of course, but unless OP lets them, the baby will never be in it

Are you sure the travel cot and basinet wasn't to use when you all go and visit? I had one for when my DD and her baby used to stay with me so she didn't have to bring everything with her.
Your parents buying a pram is more odd if they only live across the road that seems like a waste of money. But I suppose they are just getting carried away!