Mental mum frenemy causing stress

[Lashserum]

I got quite close to a mum of a son’s friend who goes to weekend martial arts school. This martial arts school is opposite a leisure centre. At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents. A few more months went by and in the summer holidays she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option. Myself and a few other mums met up for coffees in the leisure centre often and became closer.
Long story short I found out more about this other boys behaviour and I think he is quite manipulative. We then arranged a meal with the kids October half term but not with the original mum. She found out and went mental. We apologised but said we are adults and allowed to arrange things as we wish. She then blocked one of the other mums who was a bit more vocal however was ok with others - still friendly with all the boys.
Anyway all the boys still do the club and me and other mums share pick up / drop off and coordinate. The original mum is overly friendly with me, I want to keep a distance as she sent me a random ranting message on New Year’s Eve saying she’s upset that she’s never had an offer back for anything she’s done. I tried to make it clear in my reply that we don’t need her to help and no bad feeling but she doesn’t get the message and is still offering to help pick up my son in the mornings before club, my son is fine to do the activity with hers but says he can get a bit angry/ mean / funny sometimes. A few others have now left as they were older. It’s like trying to get through to someone but getting nowhere, but I will have to see her mid week and weekend weekly. Help!

I agree. Some children are naturally more vocal, lively and inattentive than others. That's life. In a few years he wll be quite different.

The title is inappropriate for the topic—a bunch of pretentious mothers who struggle to say 'no' to invitations. Heaven forbid it to be so precious.

Jesus he sounds dodgy.. who knows what the art school rejection has done to his psyche.. stay away. Just say No!

I love how you came to ask for opinions, got a ton you don't like then doubled down.

Try reading your responses back but imagine it's about one of your DCs in the future to help you with a bit of compassion for this person.

We get it. She's not your 'type' of person. But you have handled this poorly. Maybe she is all these things you have described her as. But maybe she's a mum struggling to find her people and desperate her kid isn't ostracised. Some people when they feel they're being rejected try to overcompensate, especially if they don't know why.

School gate politics can be really mean, and take people right back to school bully territory. Just pause a bit and do some reflecting if you could have handled this better.

Aye, Adolf was a tad dodgy 😂

You're definitely part of the mean girls here

Oh dear. OP - AIBU. Consensus - yes. OP - No I'm not!

So what I've read is you were all happy for her to play babysitter (no option to say no my arse) until she got above her station and wanted to be part of the group. She clearly thought she was in with the group, when you all let her take the children om playdates ffs.

You use words like mental and frenemy and worry about her stalking you and yet you let her take your child unsupervised!

Have you lost your fucking mind?

You're not a nice person. You're a coward.
You're following the crowd and allowing yourself to be part of this high school cliquey bullshit. Grow up and just tell her you don't want to be her friend and you don't need her to do pick ups and drop offs.

It was the Art school rejections wot did it

Isn't your title name calling - " mental" really? Grow up.

I don't think BlackSwan phrased this very kindly but I can see how its baffling to some of us, I just do not have the time for this amount of interaction with other families.

You’re a nasty piece of work. Implying you’re concerned about her becoming a stalker with absolutely nothing to back it up. This is the classic nasty teenage girl treatment, making things up to inflate your story and make more people be goady to the victim.

And make no mistake, that’s what she is - your victim of bullying.

Hopefully she finds other kind and helpful friends. Hopefully your child is never excluded by parents for ‘crimes’ such as not sharing and having access to the internet. Personally, as a parent, I’d have had more concerns about my child being around you at that age, I would have been so concerned about him picking us such negative, nasty attitudes to people being so clearly displayed and normalised by a group of MOTHERS.

So basically kids being kids then...? Yet you've branded her son (whose age you haven't mentioned) as "manipulative" and excluded her?

It all sounds a bit Mean Girls if I'm honest OP. You've cut this woman out of the friendship group because sometimes your kids don't get on. That's kinda mean.

How old is this boy that is so "manipulative"? There's a bit difference between, say, a 6 year old and a 15 year old.

I think I'd just send her one polite message and stop thinking about it.

"Hi Woman,
Sorry for not making things clear about the lifts etc. It's just that "my child" has complained quite a few times to me about things that "your child" has said and done. I understand that kids are kids, and they're probably equally to blame. But I think it's best if we dial back on their interactions as much as possible and just let them see each other at "club" without doing the other social stuff like meals out and lifts. Thanks for understanding. OP"

I feel sorry for her. She made friends with you and did lots to develop the acquaintanceship into a friendship. Then you get a better offer and dump her. How would you feel? Pretty upset, like she obviously is.
If you're not keen on what her child gets up to, just make sure you're there to keep an eye on things.
Mean girls alert.

she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option

That's the wettest thing I've ever heard
Do you hand over your children to anyone who insists? Wtf

There's an Austrian painter (who didn't make it to Fine Arts Academy) on a school run. He wants to take our children on a day out. I'm too nice to say no

Maybe he will get them some new boots and a smart haircut whilst he has them.

Maybe try treating people with a bit more respect. Nasty thing you.

I think it's fine you all went without her. This will happen again and again and again until she gets her child under control.

Good idea! Punish a mum for her child’s behaviour 😡

This is perfect.

Sounds like this woman is doing her best to be friendly and is being bullied by you and your group.

I don't think any of you behaved well. Her child mightnt be great but if you've concerns tell her. If you don't want to go to things she's organised saying no defo is an option.

But it sounds like she's trying and you're being just civil enough to hear her rants on her struggles and then taking it back to your group.

Be kind to her, either by extending and olive branch or being honest as respectfully as you can.

One minute the boys do like eachother and are excited to play together. Next you're saying he has questionable behaviour. Which is it? Is he a friend who sometimes snatches or a bad influence?

You're saying she doesn't keep confidentiality but you and your group of mean girls all seem to be being just nice enough she will confide in you so you can all talk about her.

If she does take social ques talk to her. Expecting her to be a mind reader is emotional manipulation. You're being just nice enough to this "frenemy" that she's in a constant state of confusion that she's talked to whilst being excluded. No wonder she's intense. Poor woman.

This

It does sound as if you’ve used her even if it wasn’t planned. Planning stuff for yourselves and the kids whilst leaving her son out is bound to get her back up. No wonder she ranted. You’ve essentially excluded him on occasion. You need to be straight with her about your behaviour concerns and not organise anything with the children that excludes him if you can’t tell her why. If you’ve taken lifts from her you owe her this explanation at least. That’s just decent manners.