Mental mum frenemy causing stress

[Lashserum]

I got quite close to a mum of a son’s friend who goes to weekend martial arts school. This martial arts school is opposite a leisure centre. At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents. A few more months went by and in the summer holidays she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option. Myself and a few other mums met up for coffees in the leisure centre often and became closer.
Long story short I found out more about this other boys behaviour and I think he is quite manipulative. We then arranged a meal with the kids October half term but not with the original mum. She found out and went mental. We apologised but said we are adults and allowed to arrange things as we wish. She then blocked one of the other mums who was a bit more vocal however was ok with others - still friendly with all the boys.
Anyway all the boys still do the club and me and other mums share pick up / drop off and coordinate. The original mum is overly friendly with me, I want to keep a distance as she sent me a random ranting message on New Year’s Eve saying she’s upset that she’s never had an offer back for anything she’s done. I tried to make it clear in my reply that we don’t need her to help and no bad feeling but she doesn’t get the message and is still offering to help pick up my son in the mornings before club, my son is fine to do the activity with hers but says he can get a bit angry/ mean / funny sometimes. A few others have now left as they were older. It’s like trying to get through to someone but getting nowhere, but I will have to see her mid week and weekend weekly. Help!

You all met up without her because her child can be a bit mean? And she found out?

that’s really horrible. I hope she makes new friends

If she is bonkers, block her and ignore her. You don't owe anyone friendship and can go out with and exclude whatever people you like on the basis of whether or not you like them. If she confronts you in person tell her straight. I wouldn't have the time or mental energy to even worry about this.

No-one owes someone friendship, particularly on the sole basis that your kids do an activity together.

Look, when I came to this forum years ago to share my situation I had the same answers.
I was the mean one 🙄 no support or understanding whatsoever.
A few of us understand you.
You need to be very clear with her. She is ignoring you cues on purpose because she thinks she is the queen bee and she has to be included in everything, no matter what you want, no matter how bad her child behaves.

It sounds like she's not your cup of tea, totally fine and we don't have to get on with everyone. I would just be civil, your kids are likely to move to different classes soon enough as they get older anyway. Keep it light, make small talk if she's sat next to you. No need to make drama amongst the parents when you're all there for a kids club.

I do think the "sadly wasn't an option" is weird, you're the parent if you say no your kid isn't going then they're not going.

Poor you!
I very much understand what you’ve been through.
It took me so long to be able to understand that it was very wrong. I felt uncomfortable but then every time I was sharing her behaviour, it sounded so petty.
At the end a friend explained to me that it was relentless low level harassment and not acceptable.

Exactly this. Be very clear about the relationship you can offer her and expectations.
If you aren't clear with someone who you know doesn't get social cues, what do you expect?

She is ignoring you cues on purpose because she thinks she is the queen bee and she has to be included in everything, no matter what you want, no matter how bad her child behaves.

Or, more likely, she just doesn't get social cues! Lots of people don't, and it's not because they are manipulative evil geniuses, they just genuinely don't!

And for the people who say that you always have an option to say no… actually when you are a nice person, you don’t.
When someone keeps insisting to invite you to something in front of other people, as a nice person, you don’t want to be rude nor mean and accept.

You all excluded a mum on the basis of her kid’s behaviour, whilst still allowing that some mum to pick up and take all your DC’s to activities. You say the DC’s were excited to go, so they weren’t exactly upset were they? You then say, incredibly, that you’d offered to pay for snacks and meals but she never sent the bank details. You put the onus on her to get the money from you. So instead you take snacks snd hand them to her at the start along with £10 or whatever might be needed. Cash is still a thing you know. You then say ‘I don’t do favours and expect them to be returned’ Wow! You weren’t the one doing the favours though were you, she was.

So to clarify, after much effort by this other dedicated mum, you then ostracised her from your nasty clique after she’d many lifts, free meals and snacks, which you say you were powerless to refuse.

What a horrible, spiteful bunch of mums.

all sounds exhausting
and unnecessary

in fact i only looked at this post because of your odd terminology @Lashserum
Mental
Frenemy

all very childish

She's better off without you all tbh. Frenemy?How old are you?

agree with this!

To clarify - I bought snacks and have also provided these for all children including hers. I am not a freeloader, if you haven’t experienced when people INSIST you won’t get it.

once I saw some red flags I declined all offers with the children there were multiple since the summer which I put my foot down for even though my son was begging.

one of the old group has spoken to her directly and she thanked them for being honest but still continued.

it’s not easy to explain how the approach is, I have tried to be abrupt etc and yes I am a nice person so if someone is talking to me at length I do reply.

It’s also not a situation where one can avoid like at the school gate. With the club there are lots of viewing sessions etc and breaks at lunch for the club to restart again.

Happy for her to drop us, maybe she should be asking for advice and then taking it to ignore us.

What sort of relationship are you prepared to have with her op? Chatting during club sessions? Play dates outside of that? Nothing at all?

Happy to be civil and say hello and small talk.

She’s overcompensating with niceness because she knows she’s been excluded and is upset. The fact you know her son has emotional issues that need support and won’t make any allowances for her sake is really sad. You basically used her to ferry and feed your kid during the holiday camp then dumped her when a newer, shinier group of friends came along. If your child was excluded like you’ve pushed her out you’d call it bullying but somehow it’s okay because you are adults? For her sake, be honest and tell her you don’t want to be friends and don’t want your kids to mix so she can concentrate her efforts on finding friends who aren’t grown bullies.

As if I don’t have her phone number.

I was actually friendly with the other mums first- she asked one of them for my number and they passed it on. We are not bullies at all.

So communicate that to her very clearly, and hold the boundary.

And make sure your son knows that seeing her son outside of club is no longer an option.

That poor mum. She may be a little over the top or too much for some of you however what you've done to her is awful. So her child has a few behaviour issues and because of that she can't be in your little gang. Mean girls.

You’ve described her as mental, and said that her child has no SEN but receives emotional psych support at school. She’s maybe desperate to fit in, and also exhausted trying to make sense of a world where she knows she’s unwelcome but can’t figure out why. Offering lifts is one sure way she feels she might be appreciated and become part of a group.

You’d be doing her a kindness by thanking her for all the favours she’s done, but that you’re making your own travel arrangements etc from now on.