Mental mum frenemy causing stress

[Lashserum]

I got quite close to a mum of a son’s friend who goes to weekend martial arts school. This martial arts school is opposite a leisure centre. At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents. A few more months went by and in the summer holidays she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option. Myself and a few other mums met up for coffees in the leisure centre often and became closer.
Long story short I found out more about this other boys behaviour and I think he is quite manipulative. We then arranged a meal with the kids October half term but not with the original mum. She found out and went mental. We apologised but said we are adults and allowed to arrange things as we wish. She then blocked one of the other mums who was a bit more vocal however was ok with others - still friendly with all the boys.
Anyway all the boys still do the club and me and other mums share pick up / drop off and coordinate. The original mum is overly friendly with me, I want to keep a distance as she sent me a random ranting message on New Year’s Eve saying she’s upset that she’s never had an offer back for anything she’s done. I tried to make it clear in my reply that we don’t need her to help and no bad feeling but she doesn’t get the message and is still offering to help pick up my son in the mornings before club, my son is fine to do the activity with hers but says he can get a bit angry/ mean / funny sometimes. A few others have now left as they were older. It’s like trying to get through to someone but getting nowhere, but I will have to see her mid week and weekend weekly. Help!

Exclusionary behaviour is bullying. They teach it in schools. It’s interesting your kids still want to hang out with hers - they clearly don’t see his emotional issues as something they should be shunning him over.

I’m not saying you have to be friends with her, but allowing her to be involved in some things and deliberately excluding her from others is cruel. Just tell her you no longer want anything to do with her and her son so she can move on. Otherwise it smacks of you and your friends enjoying the drama and gossip and bitching at her expense.

I’m sorry but I also think you all sound like ‘mean girls’, she is clearly trying to make the effort and meeting up and excluding her probably made her feel rubbish. I have a 9 year old boy with adhd, he can sometimes have outbursts, be frustrated and even lash out. He’s also kind, caring and very loyal. None of the school mums speak to me, we don’t get included in any plans and he has never been invited for a play date etc. his birthday is coming up and he’s desperate for a friend over and there isn’t ONE we can invite because the school mums don’t want their kids around him. So yes I think you are being unreasonable.

So those criticising op are saying you are obliged to be friends with someone just because they want to be friends with you? That is mental.

But there is always going to be “exclusionary behaviour”. It’s called life. I have a loose group of 20 local friends so I invite them all for a coffee every time? It’s just not how life works.

Sorry but I feel sorry for the other mum. It seems like the rest of you all dropped her without talking to her first so she was right to be upset. No you don’t need to include her in things but she can also feel rightly upset about that.

The way you’ve discussed her in this thread is actually quite horrible. I know you’re saying you’re a nice person but the way it reads is , as others have said, a mean girl group excluding one person.

You could have declined her offer, the kids clearly all like each other and she’s trying to fit it. As a group of mums you’ve decided she doesn’t fit it.

I have been in her position and it’s horrible. She is overcompensating by being nice because she thought your group was nice and clearly wanted a group of friends. She won’t stalk you, she will eventually realise there are nicer people out there and she will move on
with her son.

That’s true, but OP and her friends are making a conscious decision to leave this one mum out. When it’s deliberate and orchestrated it’s exclusionary and therefore bullying behaviour.

Are you un/underemployed? You sound like you have too much time on your hands.

Who has said that?

Not at all. We’re saying the opposite - that instead of stringing the mum along with the prospect of possible friendship if her kid behaves himself, she should tell her she wants nothing to do with her and her kid so she knows the score and can make other friends.

Do people speak like this in real life? Sounds like a tv script
(agree with being straightforward and far less childish obviously)

I agree.
Declining an invitation isn't an option 😀wta !!!

So she’s got a child that has additional needs (you said he gets emotional psychological input at school) and she is obviously struggling with her child, and trying to make friends. Instead of supporting her, you shun her and behave like horrible school ground mean girls.

she’s maybe ‘trying too hard’ in your words because she’s desperate for some friends.

you and your wee clique of perfectly behaved children are the type of people she needs to realise she doesn’t need. And I hope she does one day.

you obviously don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, and that’s the worst of it. You all sound incredibly immature and bitchy.

All you mums sound a bit mean and petty, you’ve all been meeting up and bitching about her and I presume child son. She introduces you to her friends and you meet up without her. She does not sound mental at all, she tries to make amends with you and apologises and you’re still being nasty. You sound like a bully in the play ground.

I agree with this exactly. You and your son have used and benefited from the other mum. You have now decided the arrangement no longer suits you so to help you justify this you now accuse her of being mental. This other woman has tried really hard and you have gone all mean girls and excluded her and you wonder why she is upset.

There has never been any apology or acceptance of her child’s poor behaviour.
our children are not perfect.
She has behaved aggressively herself but I don’t want to divulge the details of this.

I have felt bad about knowing she wants to be friends hence posting to try and get some advice but she doesn’t get the hint.

Thanks to those with constructive advice.

They should not have freely given her your number without asking your permission first - they should have taken hers to pass on to you so you could make contact if you wished to do so.

As for the woman's behaviour, it seems there is a lot going on in her life that reflects in the ways she manages socialising and friendships.

If you feel so strongly about her son then remove your own child from associating with him and having contact with the mother but be mindful that your other 'friends' could potentially drop you like a hot brick.

Focus on your family unit above all else - family are forever, friends come and go.

Interesting considering I am being accused of being mean / a bitch.

Gosh you sound like a right cow.
Have you actually read back to yourself what you have written here?

This is really hard and I feel for you. I understand why people are throwing out "mean girls" but it's your choice who you want to be friends with and it doesn't sound to me like you've done anything awful.

I think I'd do two things:

1. Send her a very polite message explaining you appreciate the offers but why you're keeping your distance e.g. son's behaviour so she's in no confusion
2. Very minimal engagement after that. If she asks if you want to do links just saying "no thanks, we're all sorted"

This. You’ve all got wayyyy too much time on your hands.

By the by, people only bitch about others and exclude them when they’re fundamentally unhappy. Figure out why you lack empathy for a lonely, awkward mum and work on things from there.

You stated she has apologised, maybe she is embarassed about her sons behaviour, I have a severely special needs daughter and you cannot help the outbursts, surely as a parent you understand that? I’m sure your DC are not well behaved and perfect at all times?
Surely you can find something better to do with your time other than meeting up with these other mums to bitch about her sons behaviour.

That poor mum 😢

? Nothing of what you’ve written about her in your posts suggest she’d be a ‘stalker’.

I’ve read all of your posts. From what you’ve written it sounds like you and others have decided you dislike her, and her son because he does mean things (despite the fact your children are excited to do things with him - that doesn’t add up at all. Usually if a child is horrible, other children avoid them).

She made the effort to include all the children, whilst she did the mums hung out together. After that you all arranged a meet up with out her, you all do drop offs pick ups, again leaving her out. But you’ve given no reason why this is the case. Vague assertions like ‘mental’ and ‘sickly sweet’, but no reasons afai can see.

Poor woman. Feel bad for her. Everyone wants friends and to be liked - she’s not unusual. Imagine if You were one no one wanted to be involved with. That might happen one day.

If most of us on the thread are misunderstanding, tell us why. Currently it makes no sense.