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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mental mum frenemy causing stress

222 replies

Lashserum · 11/01/2025 20:56

I got quite close to a mum of a son’s friend who goes to weekend martial arts school. This martial arts school is opposite a leisure centre. At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents. A few more months went by and in the summer holidays she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option. Myself and a few other mums met up for coffees in the leisure centre often and became closer.
Long story short I found out more about this other boys behaviour and I think he is quite manipulative. We then arranged a meal with the kids October half term but not with the original mum. She found out and went mental. We apologised but said we are adults and allowed to arrange things as we wish. She then blocked one of the other mums who was a bit more vocal however was ok with others - still friendly with all the boys.
Anyway all the boys still do the club and me and other mums share pick up / drop off and coordinate. The original mum is overly friendly with me, I want to keep a distance as she sent me a random ranting message on New Year’s Eve saying she’s upset that she’s never had an offer back for anything she’s done. I tried to make it clear in my reply that we don’t need her to help and no bad feeling but she doesn’t get the message and is still offering to help pick up my son in the mornings before club, my son is fine to do the activity with hers but says he can get a bit angry/ mean / funny sometimes. A few others have now left as they were older. It’s like trying to get through to someone but getting nowhere, but I will have to see her mid week and weekend weekly. Help!

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 11/01/2025 22:34

You need to just be real clear and firm in your boundaries.
Others are right that you don’t owe anyone friendship but if you don’t make it clear then this will carry you and you will continue being the two faced mean girl be default. I’d just be abrupt and not chat if you don’t want to tell her directly.

BellissimoGecko · 11/01/2025 22:36

We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option.

Of course it is.

AlloaintheMiddle · 11/01/2025 22:37

Same here! OMG could be my story… but no mine was a few years ago at primary.

Anyway by text may be? So it’s written and she won’t make up stuff.

I did it in person and she ended up bursting into tears on the pavement, everyone looking at us as if I was abusing her. She then went on to tell lies about what I said.

PeriPeriMam · 11/01/2025 22:37

I don't think I've had a frenemy since high school.

Vaxtable · 11/01/2025 22:38

You all sound like a bunch of bullies. Have a proper conversation with as as to why you won’t meet

PierceMorgansChin · 11/01/2025 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rainbowscakes · 11/01/2025 22:38

You do sound like a mean girl. Instead of addressing the son’s behaviour with her and trying to resolve it like an adult you just cut her loose from the group without even saying why. Very unkind.

Lashserum · 11/01/2025 22:51

Calling me dim yet accusing me of being a mean girl… nice ?

Maybe I haven’t been clear I have tried to tell her. She has also burst into tears when son behaviour has been mentioned and excuses given. I am not a mean girl at all and do NOT want to use her for anything. I just want space and distance, I trust my son’s report of certain events.

OP posts:
MyDeepZebra · 11/01/2025 22:51

AlloaintheMiddle · 11/01/2025 22:19

AVOID!
Something very similar happened to me. The mum played the defenceless victim, she was toxic, turn into a stalker…
Some parents are simply mental.
You don’t owe anyone friendship.

Edited to add: they pretend they don’t get the social cues!

Edited

I was about to say the same.

If other people haven't experienced this sort of person, they won't get it.

They appear like the loveliest, friendliest most helpful person ever. But it gets intense & inappropriate quickly and they DON'T take no for an answer.

It's very intrusive and they get scary and obsessive when you have a genuine issue...like their child being unpleasant to yours.

Look, the reality is you can't just decide someone is going to be your friend and make it happen even if it's something that's making the other party uncomfortable.

It's not MEAN GIRLS to gently back away from a friendship that is making you feel uncomfortable and awkward.

I'm in a similar position right now. It is much scarier though and I've been very much latched onto and emotionally manipulated by a woman that I barely know who has decided she is my best friend. We met through a hobby that I loved and was a lifeline for me, that I'm now going to have to give up because there is no middle ground with this woman. She wants all of me. All the time. Is sickly sweet too. Showers me and family members she has never met with gifts (that I have never wanted and tried to refuse over and over). Moves my chair and belongings so I HAVE to sit beside her at the hobby etc. Bombards me with weird texts about how I'm the best thing that has ever happened to her. Is intensely jealous of my family and my actual close friends. Even though she's never met them. I wish I'd never met her.

So...my advice is be careful. Back away if you can. You're not mean OP. It's okay to have boundaries and you don't have to be be friends with everyone.

Endofyear · 11/01/2025 22:52

So you were all friendly with her, let her entertain your child at her expense (of course you have the option to say no!) and then dropped her with no explanation and meet up with other mums from the class, deliberately leaving her out? You sound delightful 🙄

Barrenfieldoffucks · 11/01/2025 22:53

None of you sound overly nice tbh.

Chesterdrawswalla · 12/01/2025 00:45

Lashserum · 11/01/2025 22:51

Calling me dim yet accusing me of being a mean girl… nice ?

Maybe I haven’t been clear I have tried to tell her. She has also burst into tears when son behaviour has been mentioned and excuses given. I am not a mean girl at all and do NOT want to use her for anything. I just want space and distance, I trust my son’s report of certain events.

it sounds like she’s really struggling with a child with SEN.
what behaviour is it? perhaps she is desperately trying to get her child to fit in. what is this kid doing?

IButtleSir · 12/01/2025 07:17

Lashserum · 11/01/2025 22:22

I am genuinely scared of acquiring a stalker. How do I avoid when she is insisted on speaking

Jesus wept. Why would you think she's going to stalk you? Because a randomer on Mumsnet said so?

You are making this so much more dramatic than it needs to be.

Lashserum · 12/01/2025 07:31

There is a possibility she is trying to get her child to fit in but it’s fine during the session and she needs to accept that’s where it ends. Problems sessions include sometimes some name calling / winding up / not listening to instructors.
Child does not have SEN but has emotional psych input at school.
if someone comes over sickly sweet gushing multiple times / sitting next to you when you have walked somewhere nearby to sit how does one avoid this ???

OP posts:
Lashserum · 12/01/2025 07:31

IButtleSir · 12/01/2025 07:17

Jesus wept. Why would you think she's going to stalk you? Because a randomer on Mumsnet said so?

You are making this so much more dramatic than it needs to be.

Because the behaviour is not normal at all. Like an obsessive boyfriend at times.

OP posts:
Strawberries86 · 12/01/2025 07:35

Group of mean mums. Regardless of her behaviour, the rest of you are nasty.

Penguinmouse · 12/01/2025 07:35

There are two issues here. One is that you’re concerned about her son’s behaviour and its impact on your child - absolutely fine, you don’t have to force them to be friends and it’s fine to set a boundary and say “we won’t be hanging out outside of the activity.”

The second is that this mum did something nice for all your children and has been rewarded by being totally ousted from a group. No wonder she is upset. I wonder how you would deal with this if it happened to your child because it’s nasty behaviour. If you don’t want to be friends you need to tell her rather than being avoidant or relying on social cues. Not everyone picks up on them and she’s being treated poorly.

Lashserum · 12/01/2025 07:58

My children have been excluded from things before lots of times over the years and known about it. I just say that’s part of life and they obviously are not your real friends.

i agree that there are 2 issues. She seems to be heavily forcing down the track of both/// oh the children are such good friends and so are we.

OP posts:
Saturdayssandwichsociety · 12/01/2025 08:01

You sound awful OP. All happy to include her when shes giving your kids lifts but happy to exclude her from socialising.
Did you ever leave high school as you seem to have forgotten to leave the behaviour behind?
You describe her as sickly sweet nice to your face it sounds like shes honestly being nice but you lot have nastily taken against her so now whatever she does you'll slag her off 🙄

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 12/01/2025 08:02

Lashserum · 12/01/2025 07:31

Because the behaviour is not normal at all. Like an obsessive boyfriend at times.

Well she probably is totally confused about what she did wrong as you all dropped her like a hot potato for no real reason it seems

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 12/01/2025 08:04

It’s not clear in what way this mum is a stalker. She wants herself and her child to be included in a group she used to belong to but has pushed them out. Some people would have given up by now but she hasn’t, perhaps she is being pushy but you used to like her and the other kids get excited at the suggestion of doing things together, so her son can’t be that bad. Would it be so terrible to include them in the carpool arrangements and have the odd meal with them?

Sherrystrull · 12/01/2025 08:06

arcticpandas · 11/01/2025 21:15

I feel sorry for that mum. She's trying to make friends and has been excluded from the selective mum group on the basis that her sons are sometimes not nice ? So she invites everyone for activities and meal and then the parents have a meetup excluding her. I get mean girls vibes if it's not something about this mum you have left out?

This

User37482 · 12/01/2025 08:17

What exactly has she done that was so awful. She text you to say she was upset about being excluded, I mean yeah thats reasonable because you did exclude her. It sounds like you tried to drop her but because you didn’t actually tell her properly she still thought you guys were friends and she just wasn’t included in that particular thing so she was still making an effort with all of you.

Honestly you sound quite awful. There are people I like more than others but I would never exclude people from a mums group. Half these people I won’t be speaking to in ten years anyway so why bother.

LegoBingo · 12/01/2025 08:21
  1. "Mental Mum" what nasty use of language
  2. Of course saying no was an option. What would happen if you said No that makes you think it wasn't.
PinotPony · 12/01/2025 08:23

Lashserum · 12/01/2025 07:31

There is a possibility she is trying to get her child to fit in but it’s fine during the session and she needs to accept that’s where it ends. Problems sessions include sometimes some name calling / winding up / not listening to instructors.
Child does not have SEN but has emotional psych input at school.
if someone comes over sickly sweet gushing multiple times / sitting next to you when you have walked somewhere nearby to sit how does one avoid this ???

How does one avoid this? By having an adult conversation with her.

“Look Jill, I know the kids used to enjoy playing together but they don’t seem to be getting on very well these days. DS has other friends so in future we’re likely to do stuff with those families. I don’t want you to feel that we’re avoiding you but we can’t force a friendship that doesn’t exist. Will see you around.”