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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mental mum frenemy causing stress

222 replies

Lashserum · 11/01/2025 20:56

I got quite close to a mum of a son’s friend who goes to weekend martial arts school. This martial arts school is opposite a leisure centre. At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents. A few more months went by and in the summer holidays she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option. Myself and a few other mums met up for coffees in the leisure centre often and became closer.
Long story short I found out more about this other boys behaviour and I think he is quite manipulative. We then arranged a meal with the kids October half term but not with the original mum. She found out and went mental. We apologised but said we are adults and allowed to arrange things as we wish. She then blocked one of the other mums who was a bit more vocal however was ok with others - still friendly with all the boys.
Anyway all the boys still do the club and me and other mums share pick up / drop off and coordinate. The original mum is overly friendly with me, I want to keep a distance as she sent me a random ranting message on New Year’s Eve saying she’s upset that she’s never had an offer back for anything she’s done. I tried to make it clear in my reply that we don’t need her to help and no bad feeling but she doesn’t get the message and is still offering to help pick up my son in the mornings before club, my son is fine to do the activity with hers but says he can get a bit angry/ mean / funny sometimes. A few others have now left as they were older. It’s like trying to get through to someone but getting nowhere, but I will have to see her mid week and weekend weekly. Help!

OP posts:
pinksheetss · 12/01/2025 09:32

Sorry OP I agree I think it's your behaviours that are bad here and the other mum is just trying hard to fit in. There's nothing wrong with what they are doing

Namerchangee · 12/01/2025 09:33

‘At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents.’

‘she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option.’

Odd behaviour from you OP. Ignoring your child and allowing him to go somewhere with someone at their insistence. Weird.

DowntonNabby · 12/01/2025 09:33

Lashserum · 12/01/2025 09:24

There has never been any apology or acceptance of her child’s poor behaviour.
our children are not perfect.
She has behaved aggressively herself but I don’t want to divulge the details of this.

I have felt bad about knowing she wants to be friends hence posting to try and get some advice but she doesn’t get the hint.

Thanks to those with constructive advice.

You said she burst into tears when confronted about her son - she knows how he is and has sought help via school and you all know he needs additional emotional support and yet you are still all punishing her for it. God, the amount of stress she must be under.

How old are your kids, incidentally?

Sasskitty · 12/01/2025 09:33

Ps. ‘Frenemy’ ? 🙈 Using words like this, doesn’t help your case. Last time I heard it was from girl in my daughters reception class. Age 4.

Plastictrees · 12/01/2025 09:34

I think some self reflection is needed here - you repeatedly state how ‘nice’ you are, yet look at your thread title - I thought using disparaging terms such as ‘mental’ stopped being a thing in the early 2000s yet here you are resurrecting it. You seem to have a groupthink mentality with your exclusionary ‘we’ language - have you considered things from her perspective at all? What exactly are you modelling to your child here?

Nice people don’t just blindly say yes to things either - as a grown adult you have the autonomy to say no. You can be assertive without being aggressive or bullying. I hope this woman meets some people who are actually nice.

itswonkylampshade · 12/01/2025 09:35

Nasty thread IMO. How on earth would you know if he doesn’t have SEN, OP? The straight answer is that you don’t.

Your language about this woman (and the thread title) is awful - I really hope you read over your own posts and have a good think about why you’ve felt the urge to post about her like this. It smacks of exhilaration, having rounded on her with your equally unpleasant friendship group. Totally, totally shameful.

Hokem · 12/01/2025 09:35

You have given 'your side' of the story and you have still come out of it badly.

Nobody is saying that you had to be friends with the original mother.

But you are trying to say that your son was forced to spend time with her son and that's not true.

And saying that is making you look silly to people out of your mean girls echo chamber. There's a lot of 'we' 'we''we' in your posts. It sounds like you have found a group of people who think like you do and behave like you do and a common enemy to unite against and that is making you feel a part of something.

Crack on, enjoy your new group. Don't try to draw us in to validate it all.

MammaTo · 12/01/2025 09:35

I’ve read all your updates and I do think you’ve all been a little bit mean to her. She might be a little bit needy, but I think she genuinely tried to do a nice thing for your children and you all ditched her.

I think if you honestly deep down thought that what you done wasn’t mean, then you wouldn’t have posted looking for validation.

PierceMorgansChin · 12/01/2025 09:35

This reply has been deleted

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Finetoday · 12/01/2025 09:36

You were happy to use her until you got a better option - MEAN GIRLS

And yes, I always believe you should return an offer. Isn’t that just decency?
Maybe I was brought up differently.

leakycauldron · 12/01/2025 09:38

All those saying"mean girls" would you say the same if the mum was a dad?
If it was a male trying push his friendship on a group of women would you say pipe down and include him?

Op has quite clearly stated she is not comfortable with this person.

Only questionable thing the OP has said is about not being able to say no to her kid going somewhere with this person? Like you just say no and don't take your kid

PinotPony · 12/01/2025 09:40

Sasskitty · 12/01/2025 09:14

Do people speak like this in real life? Sounds like a tv script
(agree with being straightforward and far less childish obviously)

Edited

That’s exactly how I speak in real life. Or by text. But then I’m fairly straight talking! Better to speak your mind than expect people to guess.

Chocolatey1234 · 12/01/2025 09:41

Lashserum · 12/01/2025 09:24

There has never been any apology or acceptance of her child’s poor behaviour.
our children are not perfect.
She has behaved aggressively herself but I don’t want to divulge the details of this.

I have felt bad about knowing she wants to be friends hence posting to try and get some advice but she doesn’t get the hint.

Thanks to those with constructive advice.

Would it kill you to be nice and do the right thing. You never know you might actually like her if you give her a proper chance also you might actually feel better about yourselves or is it more the other women who dislike her and you are going along with it for fear of being cut out yourself?

PierceMorgansChin · 12/01/2025 09:43

Namerchangee · 12/01/2025 09:33

‘At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents.’

‘she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option.’

Odd behaviour from you OP. Ignoring your child and allowing him to go somewhere with someone at their insistence. Weird.

She didn't want her kid to miss out on free entertainment or maybe she had plans and was grateful for free babysitter. OP claiming she was too nice to say no, while writing paragraphs describing her and other mums nasty behaviour is peak level denial. Careful OP, winds do change in little cliques like yours and you mind find yourself next one excluded

Scottishskifun · 12/01/2025 09:45

Your not painting yourself in glory here OP and yes you can choose your friendships but your behaviour also reflects that of someone who ostriches an individual due to their personality traits which is a pretty shitty thing.

Be civil, decline offers and stop gossiping in your little group about her. It sounds like she was trying to make friends given the amount of time the kids spend together.

Hokem · 12/01/2025 09:47

All those saying"mean girls" would you say the same if the mum was a dad?
If it was a male trying push his friendship on a group of women would you say pipe down and include him?

Or Hitler! What is she was Hitler? Would they have to include Hitler??? ShockShockShock

She isn't a man. She's a woman. A woman who the group are banding together against. Discussing with one another and now she's a stalker.

ThatFluentTiger · 12/01/2025 09:48

This reply has been deleted

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LBFseBrom · 12/01/2025 09:49

Do none of you go to work?

Lostworlds · 12/01/2025 09:51

leakycauldron · 12/01/2025 09:38

All those saying"mean girls" would you say the same if the mum was a dad?
If it was a male trying push his friendship on a group of women would you say pipe down and include him?

Op has quite clearly stated she is not comfortable with this person.

Only questionable thing the OP has said is about not being able to say no to her kid going somewhere with this person? Like you just say no and don't take your kid

But that’s not what’s happening here though. Op has stated she feels uncomfortable but she has also used this person and it seems she was fine allowing her child to be entertained by the other parent and then suddenly dropped her.

Op’s description of this person is upsetting and if she was truly uncomfortable then she should have been upfront about it, not excluding her and now claiming herself and her group of friends as a victim of a potential ‘stalker’.

I think if the majority of people here have got the idea that op and her friends have been hurtful then the term
mean girls does come up. It’s nothing to do if a man tried to join the group.

Hdjdb42 · 12/01/2025 09:51

Just continue to avoid/ignore and exclude from external meet ups. Be polite when you see ger. If she asks why her son was excluded just say, because the kids don't get on, sorry. Stick to that and she'll eventually leave you alone. I had similar happen to me.

PierceMorgansChin · 12/01/2025 09:52

Hokem · 12/01/2025 09:47

All those saying"mean girls" would you say the same if the mum was a dad?
If it was a male trying push his friendship on a group of women would you say pipe down and include him?

Or Hitler! What is she was Hitler? Would they have to include Hitler??? ShockShockShock

She isn't a man. She's a woman. A woman who the group are banding together against. Discussing with one another and now she's a stalker.

There's an Austrian painter (who didn't make it to Fine Arts Academy) on a school run. He wants to take our children on a day out. I'm too nice to say no

justthatreallyagain · 12/01/2025 09:53

AlloaintheMiddle · 11/01/2025 22:19

AVOID!
Something very similar happened to me. The mum played the defenceless victim, she was toxic, turn into a stalker…
Some parents are simply mental.
You don’t owe anyone friendship.

Edited to add: they pretend they don’t get the social cues!

Edited

pretend they don't get social ques or maybe mother and son are neurodiverse and genuinely don't get social ques? no reason for op to still maintain friendship but surely lets not just decide based on your experience with another person this woman is deliberately missing social cues?

Spirallingdownwards · 12/01/2025 09:53

I get where you are coming from OP and you are right. In a group of acquaintances you absolutely do not have to do everything with everyone and can choose just to meet up with some from time to time.

I think just reiterate to her that her child is not your son's friend and therefore you are not going to force your child to socialise with hers. If you don't mind her on a one to one basis, if she is happy that the kids do not have to be friends, tell her you will still meet her for coffee etc when they are doing the activity or at other times but you are not going to force your child into a friendship they don't want.

PierceMorgansChin · 12/01/2025 09:54

LBFseBrom · 12/01/2025 09:49

Do none of you go to work?

That's what I'm thinking. I wish I had the time and energy to live vicariously through my daughter

Cosycover · 12/01/2025 10:00

So the child in question here doesn't listen to instructors and is allowed to game online? And this is the 'questionable' behaviour?

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