Mental mum frenemy causing stress

[Lashserum]

I got quite close to a mum of a son’s friend who goes to weekend martial arts school. This martial arts school is opposite a leisure centre. At first all good but then after a few months my son would come out upset by one of her children. It was always minor stuff and the staff didn’t say anything so I shrugged it off - we are not the Molly coddling type of parents. A few more months went by and in the summer holidays she insisted on taking my son and a few others to the holiday camp and taking them for lunch / dinner after. We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option. Myself and a few other mums met up for coffees in the leisure centre often and became closer.
Long story short I found out more about this other boys behaviour and I think he is quite manipulative. We then arranged a meal with the kids October half term but not with the original mum. She found out and went mental. We apologised but said we are adults and allowed to arrange things as we wish. She then blocked one of the other mums who was a bit more vocal however was ok with others - still friendly with all the boys.
Anyway all the boys still do the club and me and other mums share pick up / drop off and coordinate. The original mum is overly friendly with me, I want to keep a distance as she sent me a random ranting message on New Year’s Eve saying she’s upset that she’s never had an offer back for anything she’s done. I tried to make it clear in my reply that we don’t need her to help and no bad feeling but she doesn’t get the message and is still offering to help pick up my son in the mornings before club, my son is fine to do the activity with hers but says he can get a bit angry/ mean / funny sometimes. A few others have now left as they were older. It’s like trying to get through to someone but getting nowhere, but I will have to see her mid week and weekend weekly. Help!

You and the other mum’s sound like a bunch of nasty, snobby cows, and if enough people are telling you that then please do some self reflection.

Perhaps you would come to understand the boys behaviour if you would give this mum the time of day. A bit of decency and empathy can go a long way.

however you seem to have stuck your nose up because this little boy isn’t perfect as it seems your DS is. Think for a second how you would feel if you were in this position. Although you probably cannot imagine as I’m sure your son is a wonderful ray of gorgeous sunshine.

Op, I’m sorry, but your post reads as bullying behaviour by exclusion. I really don’t see what this mum did to deserve being pushed out and excluded by you all.
So her kid isn’t perfect, so what? They’re children! You’re punishing the mum. It sounds like you got what you wanted from her originally, when you didn’t know anyone else, then when you formed other friendships she had by then served her purpose and you turned your back on her.

This all sounds very high school. The “popular” girls welcomed you so you started blanking the girl who was there for you from the start.

Im also with her on the fact that she’s done something nice for the other boys, but neither you nor anyone else has returned the favour with her son.
I actually feel really sorry for her and you do not come off well at all

Disagree

Very Mean Girl behaviour

Shame you didn't leave the voting on. Might make it clearer to you

So @Lashserum you got close to this mum. Then pulled back but did not tell her why. Now you are in with other mums and want to keep this original friend at bay.

How on earth is she a "frenemy". What has she ever done to you, apart from possibly try too hard when tbh I'd be giving you and your toxic energy a very wide berth. Sadly, it seems that she things you're worth it.

Try calling her "mental" to her face. That, IMO is a very mean way to describe someone and tells me all I need to know about you. You are the problem. You may not have been at the beginning, but you are now.

Op.it does sound like you jumped.on the bandwagon of cutting this mum out. Of course she's offended, she's been cut out and whereas I believe she needs to take responsibility for her child's behaviour its still going to be upsetting for her, hence her ranting messages. If it was me I'd be very honest and tell her the truth, that your child is finding her child a bit mean and she needs to sort it and if she does then you're happy for them to mix but I suspect the rest of your pack won't like this method , much easier to ice her out instead.

We tried to decline but it wasn’t an option.

This is absolute nonsense. She isn't your employer or your sergeant major. A firm no and some boundaries early on would have avoided the current situation, which is her not knowing what she's done wrong as the group have accepted a lot from her (imagine it suited all of you) and she is now being excluded.

@Lashserum

My DS has just started primary school after 7 years of playground dramas with DD.
I swore to myself to not get involved. I don’t comment in WhatsApp groups, I do drop off/pick up with minimal playground chat.
My goodness life is so much easier. DS has an excellent friend with a Mum who is similar to me.

Interaction with other Mum’s is a once a year party for DS where I invite whole class so no one is excluded.
If he gets invited back by other classmates that’s great, if he gets left out I really don’t care.
I think your whole situation sounds highly dramatic and it’s best to just scale right back and let people be people. You do you, and let them do them.

Mean girls!

I would not let someone take my kids anywhere anywhere. How was saying no an option? You have a voice - use it.

This commotion can be easily solved by telling her that the kids are not getting along and you think they shouldn't spend extended periods of time together.

You called her 'mental' which is pretty offensive too

I actually think that was a fair question to ask….

Accepting invites to things you don’t want to do so you don’t appear rude or mean isn’t nice, it’s polite.

Nice would be declining, it isn’t nice to pretend you like someone when you actually don’t or leading them to believe there may be a friendship when you know there won’t. Honesty is an integral part of nice behaviour.

You sound like a bully who is now bitching about her to everyone and you have cut her out of the group which is rather nasty.

It's really sad to read that adults cannot just have conversations and would rather socially exclude someone. You could have spoken to her ages ago about your concerns re her son and come to some agreement. You sound really passive aggressive and now she is completely excluded. It is sickening to read. You don't owe her a close friendship, but when operating in social groups and clubs there should be some accountability for being kind - you have been cruel. Ugh.

Oh dear, I can only sympathise with the other person who fiends herself the focus of your negative attitude.

I can't believe you allowed her to take your child out, honestly this beggars belief that you couldn't say no to this but can't say yes to including them in a coffee! Really?

Gosh, OP. Your language here is really not very pleasant. And there are two sides to every story. Maybe the boys have picked up on them being unwanted in the group and are mimicking the exclusionary behaviour of their mums (that’s you), and the other boy has noticed and is unable to be ‘sickly sweet’ about it, as you put it, being a child.

Feel very sorry for the other mum.

Your thread title tells me all I need to know about the people involved in this scenario.

Yup, I think op needs to read back her posts.
You have not covered yourself in glory Op

Third time lucky, eh, just that? :-)

Absolutely I’m the same. It’s the more the way you phrased it than anything else.

Name calling, winding up and not listening to instructors are not ideal, but not so bad i would not include him in group meet ups/lift shares. Sounds like your son likes him so i would follow his lead and let him go if she invites him over the reciprocate.

If mum isnt your type of person fsir enough but i would be fine to chat at club.

That sounds extremely sensible and workable, TwentySeconds.

I didn't get involved with other parents at the school entrance, hated the groups and the gossip. Thankfully there was no whatsapp in those days. I knew a couple, one of whom I am still quite friendly with, was happy to entertain other children and for my son to be entertained sometimes but there was no deep involvement. I had my own friends and I went to work which was far more interesting than any of this.

These parents don't have enough to do. I've no doubt they would disagree vehemently with that but it's obvious to me.

Mental mum
Frenemy
Social 'queues'

You & your mum friends sound like absolute darlings.

OP this is a difficult situation. I have been placed in a similar situation by another parent who was very pushy about "helping" me. I never asked, wanted or needed help. She seem to have it in her head that I did need help both practically and via martial things (we are not struggling financially at all and are lucky that we have a good lifestyle).

I actually have 3 kids (one with significant additional needs) and her focus was on 1 child. It started out nice enough but then started to feel suffocating and like my child was being restricted from other friends. Her child didn't like my child having other friends and wouldn't let him learn at an after school class they attended together.

Her child was also booked into another activity purely because my child was there which I found odd but accepted. It all came to a head when she accused my son of "ignoring" her son at an after school activity. I pulled my son back totally at this point from her child because this activity is one my son was attending to learn focus, discipline and is very instructor led and not a sit about chat one. She couldn't accept my reply that my son was trying to learn and was not ignoring hers and her replies were strange and almost seemed she thought my marriage was in trouble 🤔.

She only ever saw other kids reaction to her child not his behaviour that instigated that reaction.

The pushy behaviour can come across nice to begin with but crosses a boundary which is where you sit back and think no normally.

Personally I think it must have been hard to be left out of that group meal but that is part of life. That bit does come across a bit mean. However I have been left out because of my additional needs child and I never messaged the parents. If they don't want to include me and my child fine. We move on and don't make a deal out of it because they were never my friends to start with it they can treat me like that.

Just be careful here that you are not deliberately excluding her because you think your children are better behaved. I have seen that happen to and it hugely backfire because the kids the parents were convinced we're "well behaved" were actually the source of all the bullying and issues in the primary school eventually. Most of this was driven by parents getting together and sharing stories about how badly behaved x or Y child was and believing everything there "perfect" kids told them.