My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

Her behaviour over this is a red flag to me but mother in laws often get the shit end of the stick.

Can you give some details on the things they have fallen out over?

Your feelings matter too in this situation. Can't you see your mum without your partner there?

Is your partner this controlling in other aspects of your life? Is this is the case, no wonder your mother is not keen

Assuming that your mum has only been a bit tactless and there is no big backstory, you are not being unreasonable.

He is your baby too. Take him to see your mum.

Was she the one who gave birth to your child? If so it could be her hormones are a bit all over the place so cut her a LOT of slack.

I read it as OP is a man?

Also if your mum's been racist or insulting to your partner or something I can see her point

It depends on what you mean by a bit tactless, can you give some examples?

"My mum can be a bit tactless" well it depends on how tactless or cruel or judgemental or opinionated she has been toward your partner doesn't it. A person cannot expect to just apologise and for everyone to move on.

However, this is your child too so you need to talk to your partner but until you give specific "tactless" examples you could be downplaying it or your partner could be overreacting.

I didn't ask that though? I don't really care what sex OP is just mentioning hormones after birth can be tricky things!

Yeah I think this is key here

Your partner is being controlling. Stop it now

That's awful! Show her the replies to this post. She is being controlling.

Or.. if the birthing partner, she's potentially suffering postpartum mental health issues and needs support and understanding and a careful strategy to get out of this.

Or.. OP's mum has actually been pretty shit to partner and they are thinking why the hell should they see my child if they're that nasty to me.

Whatever the reason? You don’t really think that do you?

What if OPs mother is racist or a chain smoker or permanently drunk?

Is she breastfeeding? Your DP has the right to go no contact with your DM, but she doesn’t have the right to be gatekeeper of you and DC. If she isn’t breastfeeding then I see now reason you couldn’t take the baby for half hour or so to meet your mum. If she’s breastfeeding though it will be more difficult and you may need to wait.

Mother and baby are a pair at this point so she does get the final say on this issue.

if you want an earlier visit, I would negotiate the details. Primarily guarantee that you won’t let your mother overstay her welcome. The visit will be a predetermined length of time, say 1 hour. Also promise that if the baby is crying and your partner wants the baby back, you will help her do this and not suggest your mother try to calm the baby. If there are issues between the two women, your partner may not trust that grandma will prioritize babies needs.

She's controlling and cruel. She's doing something that she knows will really upset and hurt your mum and you.

If partner is the partner who gave birth then that is cruel on both of them at this stage

For all we know there is good reason

When did your partner and mum last see each other? Do you suggest inviting your mum over or taking the baby to see her elsewhere? For how long? How often? Are you sending her photos?

“A bit tactless” can cover a multitude of sins.

If you are correct in that your mum's greatest crime is just being 'a bit tactless' then I think you need to be very firm with your partner that it is not ok for your mum to be excluded. If you aren't firm at this stage then it is likely to be a slippery slope of exclusion and control. Sorry this sounds very sad.

Your partner is being too controlling, and will get worse. Take the baby to see your mum, or invite her round. Of course she wants to see her grandchild, and she should be able to.

My ex DIL and I didn't always get on, but she let us see our GC at 1 day old!