My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

Your partner sounds very controlling and is absolutely being an asshole

how date she say the baby can’t meet your mother for a month. If she can’t accept your mums olive branch in trying to get a better relationship with her that’s up to her, however she can’t stop you from having contact

she needs to find a way to accept your mum is in your baby’s life. If she doesn’t want to try and mend the relationship ( and a question for you here has your mum been tackless or actually is what she has said the truth in the light of how controlling your partner now is?) then she just needs to leave when your mum is around, either by leaving the house or going into another room until your mum is ready to go

You need to think long and hard about how controlling she is being here

I was assuming that OP was the one who had given birth. Perhaps not, though.

I can totally see why you want to introduce your DC to your DM earlier than 1 month. But I also understand why a new mum wouldn’t want someone they aren’t comfortable around near them in that first month too.

I agree with others that your DP’s reasonableness depends on how reasonable she is to not want to see your DM and what you mean by “a bit tactless”.

But would also point out that postpartum, hormones are raging as the body adjusts to no longer having a baby inside it and to breastfeeding and caring for a new born. Big physical changes that have a huge impact on emotions. So women aren’t always at their most reasonable. Sometimes a bit of understanding is best.

Is there a work around? Have you had the baby on your own at all? Would it work for her for you to take the baby off for a couple of hours to meet your mum? (Some new mums get quite anxious away from their baby for any time at all).

Isn't it obvious that Joe/Joel is the dad?

Impossible to say that she’s being unreasonable without you saying what they fell out over. ‘Tactless’ sounds like it probably means that your mother was an arsehole to your partner. There are posts every day where a pregnant woman or mother of a newborn is struggling to keep boundaries because their MIL has been horrendous to them and their partner won’t/ can’t see the issues. Her wishes trump yours I’m afraid after giving birth.

someone is being unreasonable - could be the older woman or the younger one. We do not have the info needed to know which.

Depends entirely what caused the falling out. My MIL was vile to me when I was PP and so clearly I didn’t want her anywhere near me or my baby. I will resent to my dying day the lack of support DH showed me.

I've never heard of a father dying or suffering serious injury because of a sperm donation.

If she's not comfortable with your mum she can stay in bed while your mum comes and visits the baby. Tell your mum to just pop in for a coffee and a short 30 miniute visit. If baby gets fussy take it to its mummy to be fed and settled. Realistically, she doesn't have contact with your mum but she shouldn't be limiting your contact or your child's contact. It's both of your baby not just her baby. However, I wouldn't take a baby that age away from the mother at that age.

thanks for your replies. Quite a lot to think about. I think it might be helpful for me to give a bit of background to why my partner and my mum don’t get along. The rather difficult aspect of this is that they used to be friend (not tier 1 friends, but good friends) before we got together. My partner stayed at my mums house as a lodger when she was in her mid twenties. I was only 19 at the time and there was nothing romantic between us. We reconnected about 10 years later and started seeing each other. We made the, in retrospect, unwise decision to move in with my mum as lodgers. From the begging my mum wanted to rekindle an old friendship whereas my partner wanted to be boundaried I.e, not hang out with her very much or do things together. I think my mum was slightly upset by this and their friendship deteriorated.

as regards my mom’s tactlessness, she can be slightly condescending in the way that she gives advice, she doesn’t mean to be but she’s always, she’s trying to help, but I can understand that it’s annoying. She’s also quite slightly judgmental of small aspects of peoples lives, ie a bit of an eco puritan who will comment if someone’s taken too many flights abroad in a given year. FYI she is not a drunk or a racist.

the problem as I see it is that when my partner is confronted with someone she doesn’t like she finds it very difficult to have a relationship of detached civility. She responds in quite extreme ways and tries to block them from her life completely and my mum has been quite hurt and confused by this.

I think it's stupid tiktok pages and the like that are making it fashionable to be complete and utter "mumzillas", it's ridiculous the things they think is okay these days just because they've had a baby.

@Joelm1066
it’s not clear

did you give birth?
are you a lesbian couple or are you a man / the father?

@DrinkFeckArseBrick s response is pretty much what I would say.
ie. You need to respect and support the biological mother whoever that is….you or your DP

So your partner had the baby.

You mom sounds like she's a critical know it all who can't keep her lip zipped.

Listen to your partner. She is using this time to get used to being a mom and taking care of the baby. She's in pain and exhausted and your mom visiting will stress her out.

Which is more important, pleasing your mom or pleasing the mom of your new baby?

I wish men would realise that instead of saying “that’s just how my mum is “to your partner – which will have zero positive impact because your partner has not spent the last 30+ years with your mother to have context for their behaviour and to see the positive sides. To learn to actually do their job as a partner and set reasonable and firm boundaries with their parents And that that is the way to enable your partner and your family members to have a good relationship. Ultimately, your dismissal of your partners concerns and feelings has led it to a place where she doesn’t even want to be in the presence of your mother. You need to sort that out first before you begin to insist That your mum comes around.

I don’t see the difference waiting a month would do unless there is a health concern (such as washing hands etc) but even at a month that should still be observed.

Honestly OP your partner sounds hard work and I would be saying no, my mum gets to meet baby. You’re going to end up isolated with only who your partner wants you to be surrounded by and that’s not healthy.

Your partner doesn't sound very nice. Your mum lets her move in and your dp wanted to be less friendly to establish boundaries?

You can arrange to see your mum with the baby without your partner. Unless she believes that seeing your mother would be harmful to your baby, she needs to stop being so controlling.

You need to establish some sort of routine visits where you and your mum meet up and your partner does something else at that time.

WTF are postpartum mental health issues in a birthing partner? I’ve honestly heard it all now. Some people just need to get a fucking grip.

OP, I’d just tell your partner that your mum’s coming to see her grandchild, and if she doesn’t like it, she can take herself out. And if she doesn’t choose to take herself out, she is expected to be pleasant and polite.

as regards my mom’s tactlessness, she can be slightly condescending in the way that she gives advice, she doesn’t mean to be but she’s always, she’s trying to help, but I can understand that it’s annoying. She’s also quite slightly judgmental of small aspects of peoples lives, ie a bit of an eco puritan who will comment if someone’s taken too many flights abroad in a given year. FYI she is not a drunk or a racist.

Okay so yes, your mum is a bit of an arsehole with what sounds like a pretty abrasive personality.

It’s not unreasonable for your partner to not want to be around someone like that. You are going to have to learn to manage your mum so that she’s not upsetting your partner so much.

If she wanted a zero contact relationship with the grandmother of her child, even though it doesn't sound warranted, then she really should've been more vocal about that in the planning stages and you could've made a choice or had deeper conversations about familial boundaries.

Currently she is a new mum, recovering from birth and will be (hormonally) all over the shop so you are best just quietly supporting her recovery, bonding with your baby, and working towards a moment where you and baby can meet with your mum.

Your partner is bloody awful and controlling

@Joelm1066 she finds it very difficult to have a relationship of detached civility sorry but I couldnt have the kind of relationship you are talking about either!! your mum is perhaps saying veiled barbs to your partner and you, being used to your mum, do not hear them even though they are there. how tactless is your mum? is she very bad and insulting when she is tactless? you also say she is condescending! I am not surprised your partner is taking umbrage. also, your partner is older so why would she need advice from your mother? this make your mother look like she is interfering! thankfully, you have moved out of your mothers house!

She doesn't have the right to dictate this, OP.

Tell her you're arranging for your Mum to visit and she can stay in your bedroom, if she wishes.

It's important that your child has a relationship with both sets of Grandparents. Part of her role as a Mother is to foster those relationships.

Some of us have difficult MIL's.

We still have to encourage the relationships with Grandparents, for the child's sake.