My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

This. Your Mum sounds annoying and judgemental but you don't get to ban your MIL from seeing your child for that. Unless of course the son is a complete wet blanket. Don't allow this OP. It's unfair. Your partner doesn't get to call all the shots. She can choose not to have a relationship over these minor issues (if she's an arsehole) but she doesn't get to dictate your or your child's relationship.

Not to unilaterally withhold the baby from the other parent's family for months, she doesn't.

Like others, I think your partner is a bit controlling here. If she really doesn't like her MIL, can't she step outside for the day while your mum visits? I don't really love my in-laws (they are very tactless too!!) but have to put my preferences aside for my partner's sake and for my kids. Spending a bit of time with people you wouldn't necessarily choose to spend time with us something you've got to do when you're in a long term relationship, I think? (Within reason!)

I think that there has to be some middle ground doesn't there?

Your partner would rather cut your mum out than deal with her.

That's not an option so you have to help your partner to deal with your mum.

Your mum can surely hold off her opinions, criticisms, condescension for visits can't she?

Do you support your partner & show understanding or do you just shrug it off as being how your mum is?

TBF an 8 day old breastfed baby doesn't have feeding times. The baby needs constant access to the breast in order to establish breastfeeding in the early days so removing the baby to another location away from the mother is not advisable, particularly if this is against the mother's wishes.

Fragile....when in the history of humans has that become so fashionable. Are we really scaring the shit out of our daughter's so much they all automatically assume childbirth is so horrendous they will need weeks to be able to be fit to see or be seen.

Some women feel physically fragile and some women feel emotionally fragile after childbirth while some women will feel fine. It can also vary from baby to baby with the same mother.

I don't think the fact that some women do feel fragile and vulnerable after having a baby is something to mock or belittle.

OP has given us so little information that it's really difficult to work out who is being unreasonable here. We don't know how the birth went, we don't know if the baby is being breastfed, we don't know if the mum has PPD or PPA and we don't know exactly what OP's mum has said to upset her DIL.

The responses are divided into posters who will always support the rights of the MIL to see her newborn grandchild, particularly if the mother's family has already visited and posters who will always support the new mother to do what is best for her own physical and mental health and the needs of the baby, particularly if breastfeeding is still being established. I normally fall into the latter camp but in this case, I would need more information.

Good points and you are right. If those kinds of examples are true then fine. If not then I think MIL should get to see the baby.

Well aware that births can be different my first was a horrendous 4 days with tearing and damage leaving me in need of corrective surgery I didn't plan my second as the first left me traumatised and the MA pill didn't work...totally different experience....but suggesting your too fragile for a month as a routine excuse is mad and being latched onto a bit like a Bridzilla scenario for new mums. Many of us were back at work at 6 weeks to keep food in the cupboard and as I said what happens for baby number 2,34 when you have to get on with it.
The expectation should be you will be okay not an automatic you will be awful .....and in this case the mum obviously is using it to keep MIL away which does not show love for her partner.

I don't think the fact that some women do feel fragile and vulnerable after having a baby is something to mock or belittle.

I agree & I think it's good that there's more thought about women who have given birth & the age of having to put up with someone because it's expected is passing.

The OP didn’t mention anything about the birth having mental health issues, she was healthy enough to see all her family and some of her friends, people are basing their opinions on the facts that have been provided

The baby needs constant access to the breast in order to establish breastfeeding in the early day

this is completely inaccurate, a baby does not need constant across the breast

While breastfeeding is being established, many babies feed little and often and some babies may have problems latching on so the mum needs to keep trying. It certainly wouldn't be advisable to take a newborn baby who is breastfeeding away from its mother.

A short visit isn’t going to do any harm whatsoever, mothers do not need to be with their babies 24/7

An 8 day old shouldn't be away from its mum unless the mum needs or wants it.

I know this advice is fairly useless at this point, but without good reason I could not date somebody who was alienating a close family member of mine in this way or did not get on with them.

I think MIL’s get a lot of unfair hate and I think a lot of it is to do with misogyny. But what exactly has your mother done? Could your partner have a point? Either there needs to be a compromise on this. As parents you both have an equal say.

This is a huge red flag btw:

However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend.

Is she controlling in other ways?

Then mum can suck it up for half an hour and sit in the same room as her MIL and baby.

The OP's partner lived with her MIL for a while and were friends. She can't hate her that much. She just wants to control and is using her baby to do so.

She has three choices, go upstairs for a little bit so MIL can visit her child and grandchild, suck it up for half an hour and be there, or be controlling and cruel and stop the MIL visiting whilst her family and friends have already met the baby.

She has chosen the third option, and that says a lot about her.

They disregard the father….unless they want to insist even an unwilling father should play a parental and financial role…but aside from
that should always play second fiddle to the mother.

nonsense, any reasonable mother can accept a short visit from a grandparent to view their grandchild, she can go and have a bath/ a nap and relax etc while the father looks after the baby, the problem seems to be that this mother Dosen’t want it for what seem like vindictive reasons
Any new mother should be taking some time for themselves otherwise they will not be able to care for their baby properly, they will end up extremely stressed / worn out and the baby will sense this which won’t be good for either

Any new mother should be taking some time for themselves

If she needs or wants it.

It sounds like (by the update) you have a partner problem and not a mother problem. Please don't cut what sounds like a loving granny out of your child's life.

I didn't say the MIL couldn't or should've visit. I took issue with your comment that

mothers do not need to be with their babies 24/7

And I stand by that, they do not and no mother should be made to feel that they do

She's controlling and being purposely cruel and nasty to your mum.