My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

This is highly controlling of you while you are vulnerable???
Did you actually give birth?
The person who gave birth has special rights IMO.

This is your child too, and if she has allowed her family and her close friend to meet the child, then I think it is fair that you get to introduce your child to his grandmother. Her wishes are not he only one to count in this situation. In your position, I think I would insist. It doesn’t have to be a long visit, but I think it is ok to insist that it happens if it important to you. Is she normally very controlling?

TBH I think she is potentially using this to make a point/punish your mother and I think if that is the case it paints her in a rather unpleasant light and not at all considerate of you and your wishes as her partner. Having a baby does not turn someone into a saint or mean she can do or say whatever she likes without consideration of her partner/the consequences of her actions. Her views on things related to your shared child are not the only ones that matter.

Your partner might not like your mum very much, and that’s her prerogative, but she cannot dictate to you that your shared child has no or very limited contact with your family without a very good reason, if that is not an opinion you share. I don;t think “I don’t like her” is a good reason, btw. She is absolutely within her rights to limit her contact with your mum if she wishes, but she can’t dictate for anyone else.

Totally dependent on who gave birth.

At this point whoever went through pregnancy and childbirth and is recovering calls the shots imo.

I disagree. Mother, Father and baby are a unit. I would never have made the birth of my babies about me. Their Dad has just as much say.

But I'm aware a lot of people of MN disregard the father.

Even if there is a good reason, OPs partner should have communicated their intention that actually they didn’t wants OPs Mum to meet the baby for at least one month prior to actually getting pregnant and giving birth. Then OP could have made a decision as to whether they wanted to have children with someone who would restrict any contact between children and in laws.

Of course you can introduce your baby to your mum and your partner should not be trying to control you in this way, it is not healthy.

Who gave birth to this baby 8 days ago? You, @Joelm1066, or your partner? Because that matters.

Why?

Unacceptable and very controlling.

It’s hard to know what to say without knowing about the fall out. You could be minimising your mum’s behaviour because you’re desensitised and love her or your partner could be over reacting and turned a minor disagreement into something big.

The month ban makes me wonder if it’s the latter because it’s such a random number. Why is it ok for gran to see baby on day 32 as opposites to day 31? Would partner prefer gran visiting your home rather than everyone visiting gran?

Taking you at your word that your mum's worst crime is being a bit tactless:
There's no way she should be stopping your mum from meeting the baby if it's what you want. If she is breastfeeding and doesn't want to see your mum then she can stay upstairs/take a shower/bath for half an hour while your mum pops round to meet the baby. She doesn't have to see her. What you want matters as much as what she wants. Please be careful here, whilst she is vulnerable, so are you. Is it just your mum she doesn't want the baby to meet?

Even if the two women have had a falling out, the child is yours too and you have every right to allow your mother to see her grandchild.

Your wife can go upstairs for a lie down or have a bath whilst your mum pops in. Not a long visit, just half an hour to an hour.

I'm thinking your mum is a lot worse than just "a bit tactless" and you've been blind to how she's made your partner feel. Saying "she's got a good heart" shows you've probably made excuses for bad behaviour.

Would love to hear your partners side on this.

I think you'd be best off telling us what kind of things they have fallen out over in the past.

What kind of conversations did you have about this all before getting pregnant/baby was born?

In what way can your mum be tactless? Have you spoken to her about this and, if so, does she still do it?

It's difficult to say whether your partner is being unreasonable until you provide more information about her reasons for doing this.

Who gave birth, you or partner? That matters.

Is MIL up to date on TDAP and other vaccines? An 8 day old is very vulnerable to infections.

What exactly do you mean by tactless? Are you dismissing or minimizing racist or bigoted remarks by your mother to your partner?

Assuming your mum is a regular annoying MIL and not a danger to your baby (physically or mentally) then YANBU and you absolutely should be able to introduce your child to your mother.

We don't know if there is a dad

It wasn't long since you posted OP and you are already bombed with questions and peeps make assumptions about your lives. Might be better if you can give us a bit more clarification such as relevant back story.

Which of you gave birth and who is the primary caregiver? Is either of you breastfeeding? (Sorry it isn't clear if you are the father or if you're in a same sex relationship). If she gave birth and is breastfeeding for example then she might be having a hard time establishing feeding and can't be apart from the baby for you to take the baby by yourself. I don't think you should force a post party woman to have visitors or go and see people she doesn't get on with, so soon anyway.

If the baby is bottle fed and you can take the baby without her, then that's different but I would keep any visits short as its difficult for a new mother to be without her baby.

If you gave birth then you need support and should be able to see your mum if you want

Well she could not have got pregnant and had a baby in the first place without the contribution from the OP so that's rubbish. The father has equal rights

Infections and vaccines are irrelevant, the baby has been introduced to a number of other family members

The problem with the post is the arbitrary time of one month. If the partner had said when she was feeling more comfortable, or when she got the hang of feeding, or when she felt recovered enough etc that would be fair enough.

Unfortunately the specific time puts up a red flag for me. Also, she is clearly comfortable enough for not only her family but also friends to visit. So it’s not about visitors and is about your mum. Whether she likes it or not her MIL is family ad your mother and has to respect that. She may not respect your mother but needs to respect your relationship.

I think it’s pretty disrespectful to wilfully exclude your mother OP as you haven’t said you are bombarding your partner with visit requests.

The baby is your baby too and while yes she gave birth it can’t be whatever she says is the only thing that goes.

I think you should say your mum is coming over for a short visit and reassure her if your mum says anything you will step in but she needs to respect your wish for your mum to visit.

Partner. No one has mentioned wife or the sex

I disagree, I’ve got one DC and another on the way and I wouldn’t / won’t feel it cruel to be away from the baby for half hour or so. I remember having a nice long bath on more than one occasion whilst new born baby was with DH, she shows no long lasting trauma from it.