My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

Fucking hell, the baby's dad has a say here too and it's spoiling things for him in the early days of his child's life!! He can surely have whoever the fuck he wants in his home too! Giving birth doesn't give you a pass to be nasty and controlling!

It's not fair to prevent the woman meeting her grandchild - it's downright cruel and spiteful!!

Grandparents are special in a child's life whether you like it or not. Give the woman a chance!! I presume the maternal grandparents have met the baby.

I think this type of behaviour is absolutely disgusting.

And maybe his partner should think about what Joe needs too. The baby is equally his!

OP, you need to understand that if your partner gave birth 8 days ago, her hormones will be all over the place. At that point I didn't want ANYONE near my ds, and felt like ripping the arms off anyone who came close.

By three weeks that feeling had gone and I could handle it.

I suggest you leave it another week or two, let your partner nest. Then when she needs a break, suggest she has a soak in the bath, while your mum comes round to meet the baby. Baby will still be in the house, your partner can relax for half an hour upstairs and your mum can meet the baby. They don't have to be in the same room.

Do not change plans when your mum arrives. Your partner has to be able to trust what you say.

Controlling and manipulative behaviour. No difference if grandma sees baby day 1 or day 30, other than your partner's ability to manipulate. Nast peice of work.

Not only was she MIL's lodger, she moved back in again with her DP!

Doesn't make MIL sound all that bad??

I hope MIL remembers this when they're looking for babysitters or childcare!!

Your partner sounds like a total control freak. This is very wrong. Of course your partner can't forbid your mother to see the baby. Maybe you should rethink your relationship with this person. Don't be controlled like this.

But his partner is being unreasonable and it's upsetting to both the new dad and his mother!!

I could have taken or left my MIL but I would never have been cruel like this!

There is an answer for everything these days, if she’s happy to allow other friends and family round it’s obviously just a problem she has with the MIL.

I completely agree with you and I have read so much controlling shite on here recently about keeping grandparents at arms' length. It's bollocks!!

Women can feel really overwhelmed a week after giving birth: sleepless nights of feeding, crushing responsibility of looking after a newborn, hormones, sore boobs, sore nipples (if breastfeeding), recovering from the birth (which is a huge physical and mental experience even if it goes smoothly and can result in vaginal tears or stitches, which can be painful). Not to mention the naffing 6 weeks of bleeding. You feel like shit and your home is usually a mess if there’s no one helping with that.

Back in the day, new mothers had six weeks ‘lying in’ where everyone looked after them and they were barely expected to get out of bed.

I didn’t want any visitors, other than people really close, for a few weeks after giving birth the first time. It would’ve created the added pressure of tidying our home, properly getting dressed and looking presentable etc. The ex PILs wanted to come to stay (in a one bed flat) only two weeks after I’d given birth as they lived a long distance away. But I was still recovering from being rushed to hospital in the late stages of labour and having an emergency c-section, followed by my baby having intravenous antibiotics. My ex was very supportive and told them to leave it for a bit, without even asking me.

Surely your mum will understand if she remembers when she gave birth. Does she live nearby? What’s your home setup? Could she pop in for an hour to meet her grandson while your partner’s having a nap? Could you get your home presentable so she feels more comfortable with that?

What’s the drip feed, interested to know what OPs mum has done. Clearly something

My mum and mil visited together in the hospital to see our new born. I could say to mil not to come in when my mum was coming in. My fil came too.

there should be no difference between families, both sides should get to see the new arrival .

how would your partner feel if you had said their mum couldn’t visit the baby , only your family could?

You need to put your foot down here OP. Hormones or not, you have a say too. From your reply it doesn’t sound like she’s a danger, just a clash in personality now. Weird they were friends before so she can’t have been all bad. Just take your child to see your mum. ESP since your child has met others! She has no right to control it all.

She sounds like a right piece of work.
Stop being weak and have your mum meet her grandchild.

@Joelm1066 can you clarify, are you the babies biological father?

It isn’t clear from your posting. A friend of mine was very upset when her gay daughter’s partner had a baby using donor sperm. All the way through the pregnancy it was “our baby.” Until it was born, then as far as the birth mother was concerned it was her baby. Hers and the friend who had donated sperm. They split up about five months after the birth.

I just wondered if this was a similar situation?

I feel there's quite a bit unsaid in all of this.

For instance, what does "a bit tactless" mean?

And are you seriously having a disagreement with a woman who is eight days post partum? Get a hold of yourself.

Your partner is being controlling and unfair.

Do not ask her, tell her your mum is going to see the baby and do it.

Remember abuse often ramps up with the birth of a baby.

Wait a couple of weeks until your wife's hormones and pain has settled a bit, it's not really fair to expect her to deal with someone theres conflict and stress with when she's recovering from birth.

Right now, the mom is the primary parent. What affects her affects the baby. Stressing her out can affect physical needs like breastfeeding and sleep.

Maybe Joe and his momma can be patient. It's not like the baby is going anywhere. Or maybe Joe can lay down the law with his momma and she improves her critical behaviour. Nobody needs that bullshit, especially a brand new mom.

Your partner has had 8 days, I think 2 weeks is plenty, so perhaps gently break it to your partner that your mum will be visiting on (2 week mark). It’s your baby too, and you have a say in who they meet. I understand not wanting long lost relatives traipsing through, but grandma is an important connection.

As for your mother, you say she’s critical - you absolutely need to back your partner and protect her. She’s just had a baby, her hormones are all over the shop, she doesn’t need your mum judging her. Have some one liners in your pocket you can use if you mum steps out of line. But ultimately, if she becomes overbearing, ask her to leave.

Hi what sort of things does your mum say or do that are a bit tactless?

Op, I truly hope this is not the case. Is your partner controlling you because you are not the biological parent of the child and she is holding up the red flag that she has the 'upper hand' in respect of your child. If so, this is only going to get worse over time. Hope you sort this out quickly.

I think that is horrendous behaviour on your partners behalf.
I cannot stand my MIL I think she is an awful interfering old witch. I still had her come and visit the hospital on the days both my children were born just like my parents did - because regardless of the fact I hate her she is DHs mum and the children’s grandma.

This.

Back off. Support your partner in every way possible.

Right now, I guarantee you're coming across as less of a partner and more of a disappointing person on team MIL.

Women don't forget the emotional trauma of being abandoned in any way by their partners in the newborn period.

So when your partner lodged, how friendly were she & your mum really?

Was it more on your mum's side & your partner felt obliged due to lodging?

Was your mum trying to make her want to be friends again more important than your relationship with your partner?

It's hard to think why your partner has gone from supposedly being friends to seemingly barely able to tolerate your mum.

Is it possible that your mum tramples over boundaries & your partner finds that hard to deal with?