My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

An excellent answer imo

Because someone in the early days of recovery post birth should be able to be selective about how many visitors and for how long, given they will be sore, bleeding, lactating, hormonally frazzled, overwhelmed etc.

However as the OPs partner has had other visitors, I think we can assume she is at least open to some visits form some people.

I'd say generally speaking the parent who is recovering from labour pretty much gets the full say on visitors for the first couple of weeks, baring any blatant rudeness/favouritism.

For a short visit with their other parents mother, I don’t think that’s true unless there are very serious transgressions on MIL side.

I’ve had several children and I have not, for a single second, thought that I get to decide everything when it comes to our shared children. Even as newborns. we are both their parents, mine are not the only wishes that count. I would not want my DH to be upset or attempt to alienate him from his family, unless there was an extremely good reason. My concern is that I think this is quite possibly an attempt to cause upset to MIL and perhaps an attempt to drive a wedge between her partner and their family. It also exerts control and dominance over her MIL and her partner.

It’s not as though OP’s partner is wanting no visitors at all- she has had all of her close family and a friend visit. Unless there is a very good reason- extreme behaviour/dangerous behaviour or safety concerns- she should also be considering her partners wishes too. There may have to be firm boundaries, if that is a necessity due to OP’s mum previous behaviour (I can’t say from OP’s post whether that is necessary), and if that is the case, an agreement that OP will enforce what is agreed (and recognition that if agreement is not stuck to there will be few visits in the near future). But no, I don’t actually think the mother gets 100% of the decisions regarding a joint child. And if she actually cared about her partner, she would take their wishes into account too. As I said, perhaps with conditions and boundaries in place if MIL’s past behaviour makes that wise/make her feel more at ease, but there is a compromise to be had here.

The same question that applies is all the other visitors the partner had with close family, extended family and friends. This isn’t the concerns or no one would have been allowed to visit.

Yshe has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart

What do you mean by this? What has your mother said/done to your partner?

Or they are a same sex couple using donated sperm.

Also, neither oarent has "rights". The baby has the rights, the parents have responsibilities.

Father, second mother. Same difference.

It depends on what the issues are. ‘Tactless’ can be a very euphemistic way to describe a range of horrible behaviour I wouldn’t want to expose my children to. My MIL didn’t meet my youngest until he was 2 due to genuine safeguarding concerns. Even now she only has limited supervised contact with them, as advised by a police safeguarding officer.

If she is not a risk to your baby, I think there is grounds for you meeting up with your mum for a walk or a coffee assuming baby isn’t breastfeeding or will take a bottle. It’s a very fragile time for your partner and I would respect her wishes to not be paraded around to people who make her uncomfortable. It may take a few weeks to establish a feeding schedule that will allow you to take baby out and leave her home to have a nap and a bath.

if the mother's behaviour has been really awful, it won't be any better in a month's time will it? So the waiting seems very arbitrary

It sure is relevant. The other family members and friends might be vaccinated and hopefully are. If MIL isn't, that would make a difference.

I worked PICU. The # of readmits of newborns from home because of visitors and their bugs is higher than you might think, especially in winter. And I'm talking babies on vents.

At 8 days old you absolutely do not get to do this. The baby needs to be with its mum, so in 99% of circumstances, short of being abusive or causing physical harm, its mum gets to decide where it is and isn't going.

Is baby breastfed?

Sorry, mum and baby take priority.

I first read this as a same-sex couple and thought you had given birth, and were not being unreasonable.

After seeing your username, this seems more like a case of you’ve let your mother be an arsehole to your partner for years and now that she is vulnerable and has just given birth, she’s not willing to tolerate that treatment until she is feeling recovered. If she knows that she can’t count on you to stand up for her because you never have then that is reasonable. She probably also doesn’t trust your mother and with the surge of post-birth hormones isn’t eager to hand her newborn over to her.

Going forward I would try to compromise on the month. Would she be willing to give it another week or so instead? Can you make sure that the first visit isn’t overwhelming for her and won’t last too long? And then long term you need to put some boundaries in place with your mother and stand up for your partner when your mother violates them. The way to rebuild this relationship is by repairing your partner’s trust in you that you have her back.

Who says op is a man?

Either way whoever gave birth needs to be comfortable and looked after right now, not putting themselves in a situation with someone 'tactless' who they actively dislike in the name of fairness. Its 4 weeks of recovery time, not a year.

I also have several children and put others first after I had given birth, to my own detriment.

The person giving birth and recovering should take priority over others demands in the few weeks after birth.

It definitely sounds like there are major transgressions in this instance being played down by the op though.

@Joelm1066 OP needs to come back and explain what tactless means in his eyes!

Unless there is something monumental missing that is more than 'tactless' e.g. overtime racism/abuse directed at the baby's mother, then OP should ever every right to have his/her mum over to meet her grandchild and not wait a month. The partner can sit upstairs or elsewhere if she really doesn't want anything to do with her.

Not if they were the parent who gave birth and a sperm donor was used. In that case there is no father just a sperms donor who has zero right to take the baby to see anyone

Couldn't you take the baby by yourself to visit your mum and say your partners not feeling well or something, it's a sad situation I simpathise

There's much more to this.

No one reasonably bans their MIL - my guess is she's a nightmare.

Your partner is being completely and totally unreasonable. Why should her wishes be more important than yours? Sorry, but if she really cared for you she wouldn’t be doing this.

Silly question; and I'm not even a woman.

Your baby, your choice. Remember that.

This site is all about mums have the final say, so you decide.

Unless you mother has done something unforgiveable, share your baby with her, this is a time in life you wont ever get back!!