DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

I’d match her energy at this point and stop any invites or attempts to chat.

I would not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home by a teenage girl so I would limit how often she’s visiting. I think the problem really is with your ds. Why does he think it’s ok to bring someone into your home who acts like this? Have you asked him?

@WhydontyouMove yes…… I’m starting to think there is a wider issue here. I had a very hard childhood and so did DH , so we’ve always put our kids first. But maybe we’ve just encouraged him to think what he wants matters more….. I have told him that being grown up means having hard conversations and that if he wants it to change he needs to change the way he spends time with her. Ie - if he said he’s spending weekend with us but she doesn’t feel comfortable, so no point in coming, I think it would encourage her to try harder. I don’t want him to feel like he’s unwelcome in his own home

Oh dear. I think this was me as a teen. I was shy, introverted, had no experience of conversation with adults and my parents didn't socialise so no one to role model. Also undiagnosed ASD and terminally resting bitch-face.

If she's nice to your son and makes him happy I'd have a lot of tolerance for shyness and a lack of social intelligence.

@GreyBlackBay i get that side of it too. My other DS is Asc….. GF DSIS is ASC and my son is suspected too, so I know a fair bit about presentations. If you don’t mind me asking would anything have helped you relax, feel more comfortable ?

she does make him happy, but realistically it’s very limiting if he’s always going to have to choose between her and his mates: his siblings : us ……

If you limit her visits, you will see even less of him. Plus he's growing up and naturally pulling away from you.

DD has a female friend like this. She's 25.
Normally her friends chat, join in general convo etc but this one doesn't. It v odd.
She has had a very fractured relationship with her parents, they were separated, one died and despite her mother being alive, she lives with an aunt.
DD thinks she just doesn't understand an easy, chatty relationship with mother figures/family at all and finds it very difficult.
She's not impolite but wary and doesn't join in at all

I wonder if it could be something similar?

@Rosesgrowonyou yes that’s also something I think too…… but I think that at 17.5 yrs old he needs to take responsibility for carving out time for us as a family. I honestly have no frame of reference as my own childhood and DH were the exact opposite of what we’ve tried to create for our kids. In theory he would put us first occasionally, in theory she would try to make an effort. I am trying to establish a fair boundary where I feel ignored and weird in my own home as well

Are there a few pinch points you could focus on? Eg with meals, does she not want to come down and join you for the meal so she stays upstairs, or do neither of them come and eat if she's there? Perhaps try an expectation that however many times a week, they both come to the table to eat but you won't ask her questions so she won't feel under pressure? Or that DS comes and eats even if they doesn't / goes home? I don't know how much of this you've talked about or if it just evolves in the moment.

@TeenageRooster thank you just that’s so far from where she meets us. She won’t even say hello how are you - let alone sit down in our vicinity…… i would be happy atm with a courteous greeting and a thank you when leaving !

but realistically it’s very limiting if he’s always going to have to choose between her and his mates: his siblings : us ……

He doesn’t have to choose. There shouldn’t be a problem with him choosing to spend his weekends with her. It’s natural and normal for him to want to do that. What isn’t normal is him thinking other family members have to feel uncomfortable in the home and play happy families for his sake. She obviously doesn’t like being around you and neither do you.

The sensible solution is he sees her separately and spends time at her house. In the meantime don’t pressure him to do things with you.

My brother married this girl and it was a horrible disaster. I don’t believe in that level of “shyness” if you also have friends and a job. It’s just rudeness. If she’s rude and disrespectful about you now it’s not going to change.

My son’s girlfriend was very much like this, timid and wouldn't say boo to a goose. I found it hard to begin with, but I know she is completely different when they are alone in his room; I would often hear them laugh and chat together. They are relaxed in each other’s company, and I am happy with that.

As we have gotten to know her, she has begun to open up more. Pressurising them to be more sociable would not have helped. Some people struggle when they meet new people; we aren't all social butterflies. I’m sure it will become more manageable, and it will be important to your son that you are open and welcoming to her.

@DinnerOfKings you could almost exactly be describing the now finished relationship of my oldest DS. Started when he was just 18.
He is also ND. She identified as such and had a very difficult/bizarre/abusive relationship with her parents.
He was completely in love.
It lasted 18 months- was his first relationship.
she was quite frankly pretty awful. Verbally abusive to DS. Didn’t really like his friends. Emotionally manipulative.
So my policy was as follows:
I knew it wouldn’t last - and thank goodness it didn’t. But he needed a lot of support extrac himself.
We had reasonable rules at home - I told her that we liked her, we would like to get to know her. In our house we have the following ideals - we say Hello and goodbye to one another.
She would never eat at our house. But I always offered her food.
We went all together to dinner once.
He will hopefully see sense but it can take time and they won’t really listen to you.
Be prepared to be a listening ear and shoulder to cry on should it go wrong.
I also emphasized the consequences for her should she get pregnant - it would change his life forever and her life would be curtailed.
I kept things friendly, light and chatty. tried to ignore rudeness. ND or not there are certain minimum standards of social interaction and if she can be chatty, laughing w DS she is capable of basic politeness with his parents.
Whats crucial is to not critique her and alienate DS because if he is in love and she projects the ‘everyone hates me poor me’ he will want to defend and protect her. And she will take advantage of that.

At 17 most teens in a relationship really aren't interested in spending time chatting to their boyfriends/girlfriends mum and dad.

My DS at a similar age had a girlfriend and we never met her parents and she very rarely came round, largely because her house had a dedicated music room and they decided they were going to be rock stars and started an band.

When I spent time at my then boyfriend's house at a similar age I found his parents overwhelming. I was used to my parents who were happy to let us be and only really wanted us to join for meals and his parents wanted everyone to sit in the lounge and do polite chitchat for hours.

We soon stopped spending time at his house.

She's not part of your family. She's his girlfriend and she's probably finding your family very different from hers.

@Wheresmybrianat i would agree if she looked shy…. But she just looks furious ….. if you were “just shy” would you try to make an effort with someone your cared about family ? On Xmas eve my DH said Happy Xmas have a nice time away with your family and I watched her turn her back on him and walk out without even an acknowledgement …. Not a smile or a thumbs up ……. I wildly oscillate between thinking she must really struggle and then I remember she has mates and a job and I honestly can’t believe she treats everybody in her life like this ….

Oh come on. You don't have to be a social butterfly to say hello and goodbye.

Wow, terrible and immature advice.

Continue being kind to her, happy, smiley and bit by bit maybe ask her or talk to her a bit more about her interests. Maybe you’ll get an extra word every few weeks, but bit by bit she will come out of her shell with you. Trust that your son has picked someone nice to be with and be open minded that she may have some personal issues that are causing her lack in social skills with adults. Be kind, happy, smiley and repeat. Ignoring her and being standoffish just for the principle is likely to lose you your son.

I can't think of anything I'm afraid. I didn't even really have conversations with my parents or extended family. The only thing that got me to speak was direct questions and my answers would be yes or no if possible. Yet I could talk for hours with my friends, I really can't explain the difference.

If I was her I'd see you as an authority figure in a position of power, like the CEO at work. I know I can't carry a conversation and believe you will judge any answers and find me lacking and so would rather limit my interaction with you. I don't want to be my CEOs friend or go fir lunch with him, risk outweighs reward!

If it's any help I remember my teen boyfriends mother fondly, I never spoke but could see she was kind and capable and appreciated my calming influence on her (wayward!) son.

It sounds like she could.have selective mutism which is entirely out of her control and a sad thing for her to live with. Drawing attention to it will only make things more difficult for her.
Have a read up on it and it might make your approach more empathetic. There are recommendations on how to approach things if you look for it.
I would advise act completely normal around her, dont let any frustration at her lack of talking show, and in time and very slowly she may feel comfortable enough to start speaking more. When she does act completely normal. And definitely stop asking your son to bring it up as this will make it a hell of alot more difficult for her.

But why would anyone go out of their way to live like this? There are recognised disorders, whether you believe in them or not.

My DD is coming up 17 and super shy but she would never blank adults completely and will always answer / smile. I’d imagine she would open up more over time, but she’s also different around close friends. It’s not easy being shy, I am the opposite.

but I think that at 17.5 yrs old he needs to take responsibility for carving out time for us as a family.

What? At 17.5 years old, most kids couldn’t give a rats arse about “carving out time for us as a family” it’s normal he’s not interested in family time at this age and is all about his friends/girlfriends. Im sure when he is older he will be more family minded but let him enjoy and live his life! I honestly think you’re being too invested in his relationships. As long as he is happy, who cares, he’s 17. The relationship statistically won’t last. Leave the poor boy alone and just continue being kind, happy and friendly to the girlfriend.

ND people usually attract other ND people, she may be autistic and for autistic people it can literally be impossible to speak when feeling uncomfortable and being around your boyfriends family where they are going to be weighing you up to make a judgement about you being good enough for their son is a very uncomfortable place to be!
As for your son pulling away, it's completely normal at his age, you won't be a priority anymore, it will be his girlfriend and then his friends. When he gets older you will get closer again but it will be his wife and children, if he has them, who will be the priority, rightly so. I do think it is like a loss when the pull away happens but it's also a sign that he has been raised to be an independent young adult which is what our job as parents is all about.

What would your son say if you approached it as it comes accross as though she doesn't feel comfortable in your house, there is shy and there is turning your back when spoken to, which you know isn't the 'real her' as otherwise your son wouldn't like her so much. What can you do to make her feel more comfortable and get to know her better, as it can't be nice for her to be in a house where she isn't comfortable enough to speak one word to anyone and it is making you feel uncomfortable knowing she is that uncomfortable

It does sound as though she is more than shy and is verging on rude and seeing you as some sort of competition for his time, but I wouldn't say any of that

Wow, terrible and immature advice.

Continue being kind to her, happy, smiley and bit by bit maybe ask her or talk to her a bit more about her interests. Maybe you’ll get an extra word every few weeks, but bit by bit she will come out of her shell with you. Trust that your son has picked someone nice to be with and be open minded that she may have some personal issues that are causing her lack in social skills with adults. Be kind, happy, smiley and repeat. Ignoring her and being standoffish just for the principle is likely to lose you your son.

There was nothing immature about my response and I didn’t suggest the op ignored her. The girlfriend doesn’t want to spend time or even talk to the op. So the op should back off, not try harder.