DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

Personally, I wouldn't care if it's Autism, Mutism or just an evil bitch syndrome - there's limits to how much of an "unpleasant" I can tolerate.

I would most definitely choose not to tolerate this unpleasant person in my own home. I'd tell my son I prefer to see him on his own even if it would mean seeing him much less. I'd rather rare few hours of quality time than multiple weekends in a horrible atmosphere.

He should also learn that the choice of a partner can and does impact on all other relationships and choosing someone with an appeal of a splinter can cost friendships, jobs and have wider negative consequences for the future.

Unless OP, she is exclusively rude to you (and DH) I find it difficult to understand how even DS tolerates being around her, when every interaction with the outside world could be marred with her gloomy presence. Does he struggle socially himself and so all the signs of her behaviour being "off" flie over his head? Does it not impact him at all?

I also think that double standards apply here regarding sexes. A boyfriend with the same ilk of behaviour would be thought of as menacing, angry, most definitely rude, possibly controlling and most Mumsnetters would be "worried for their daughters".

Perhaps she also has ADHD, for your son to feel such a strong connection to her?

if that’s the case, girls present very differently to boys with it.
She sounds like me at that age (Audhd)

I think I was a bit like this as a teen. I did not and do not have selective mutism or autism. I was shy and lacking in social skills. My parents were not at fault, they certainly taught me politeness. I remember one incident in particular, when I was at a friend's house. Her mother came home from work and greeted us both. And I said nothing. Not a word. My friend didn't greet her own mother either, so maybe I was just following her lead. I don't know. I really liked her mum too, it was nothing to do with any feeling of animosity. But it was unquestionably rude of me. It's still embarrassing to think about, many years later.

TBH my impulse even now is to avoid saying hello to people when I encounter them unexpectedly. I have trained myself out of that but my shyness hasn't gone away.

So not knowing what is really going on with your DS' girlfriend, I would just continue to greet her and invite her to join you for dinner or whatever. I'd also talk to DS about it, say that you want her to feel welcome and if there's anything that might help you'd be open to hearing it. And then I'd back off.

As for the other issue (DS not spending time with you), this part of one of your posts really struck me: i think if someone pays for every aspect of your life, having a Sunday lunch with them once a week or spending an hour chatting one night, isn’t too much to ask if my DS. My family, until the arrival of this girl have been exceptionally close. For one thing, it seems oddly transactional. Of course you pay for everything for your DS, he's only 17. He shouldn't have to spend time with you to compensate for that. Also it is very normal for a boy of this age (or a girl of this age) to begin pulling away from the family. You could try to tempt him with favourite meals or outings he will like, but it's quite typical for teens to prioritise time with friends and boyfriends/girlfriends over time with their parents. That doesn't indicate a lack of closeness to you, it's just the stage he's in at the moment.

I'm afraid that I have no advice to offer, only solidarity. I'm in a very similar position. More than 2 years in now. She's 18. No further on than day 1. Spends a lot of time at our house but will regularly come and go without saying hello/goodbye. I struggle with it. Like you, it feels like poor manners. It doesn't help that he says that she's a real chatterbox with him.

Op I'm sure this has been mentioned but I strongly suspect she may have special needs and or some trauma.

My sister works in a college on btech stuff and she tells me they have a high proportion of students with needs but the students do not know this about each other.

My dear friend has a DD that sounds just like your DS GF. She’s apparently shy too … but she’s also monosyllabic, hard work, dull and gloomy. I suppose I find it hard as I have DDs the same age and I simply wouldn’t tolerate it … my oldest DD has ASD but she is also aware that there are social expectations…and she needs to make an effort if she wants anyone to actually like her! You can’t do anything about the fact your DS wants to spend his time with her but you can stop making an effort for the misery guts.

She's got 'resting bitch face'!

Everyone out here judging someone’s 16 year old daughter.
and as for some of you with the name calling.
ffs.

That was factual and informative until....would have been so much better without the PA ending.🙄

The moment I read your initial post i immediately thought, ASD. This is how my daughter responds to people she doesn’t know and is extremely shy. Perhaps you could find out her interests and try starting a conversation around that. Dd just lights up when someone shows an interest in her hobbies.