DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

I hope no child of yours ever has an "invisible" condition that even when explained to.others they choose to ignore because obviously they know best.I hope you never have to worry about your child being treated like shit because people dont want to know and would rather sneer at others difficulties and feel superior. Total lack of empathy and unwillingness to consider people may have very good reasons for how they are.
Again, not diagnosing but it all sounds extremely likely that selective mutism could be the issue here and how sad if this is the response of grown adults she comes into contact with.

But none of us know either way really, do we?

We haven't met her. We haven't seen her in the OP's home. We're all just going on what we've read

You may be right, but you don't KNOW

No i don't but I would rather not take the risk of presuming g she's rude as most are on here and making her condition worse. Not hard to understand is it?

No i don't but I would rather not take the risk of presuming g she's rude as most are on here and making her condition worse. Not hard to understand is it?

My god would you just stop?

She's still a child and she clearly has her own issues. Try to let it go. The more you dwell on it the more of an issue it will become. As far as possible, just act as normal around her.

This OP.

I agree with this! My DS and gf the same... you can't force it! I was similar at that age!

@Eaglemom and @SMiRAliser rest assured I have heard what you have said. This is exactly why I posted because on the surface it does appear rude but I instinctively knew it was likely there was something else underneath it …… I have never for a second not been kind. It’s not in my nature…. I do however have to balance what is best for my son with his ND and my other children with ND. It’s not about it stressing me out, it makes the others feel anxious as they struggle to “read” her or understand it

This girls mh is not the ops responsibility. Her responsibility lies with her own self and other children. If this girl is struggling so much it’s best for everyone if she sees her boyfriend somewhere else.

@Eaglemom more of a Harpy, or as my son would say, like a terrier with a rat.

say your piece, bow, leave the stage please, as has been pointed out, you are

now derailing OP’s thread.

and that is going to help the OP's relationship with her son?

Yea that’s probably why she didn’t want to speak to me. Do you have any ideas as to why she didn’t want to speak to my mum, dad, Nan, auntie and uncle, and husband? Or any friend or acquaintance of my brother? And why she started to become furious and give him the silent treatment when he made contact with anyone or tried to engage socially with any member of his family or friendship group and gradually isolated him and hollowed out his entire life until she was really the only person he was allowed to talk to outside of work? And why she then set about comprehensively dismantling every aspect of his self esteem until he literally thought he was a worthless scumbag whilst working FT, doing all housework and chores and sleeping all night with the baby and doing all baby care whilst he was at home? Was that also because I thought she was rude instead of selectively mute?

Sounds plain rude to me. You wouldn’t be allowed to behave like that in my house!

This girls mh is not the ops responsibility. Her responsibility lies with her own self and other children. If this girl is struggling so much it’s best for everyone if she sees her boyfriend somewhere else.

and that is going to help the OP's relationship with her son?

Why wouldn’t it? The girl is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to spend time, or talk with his family. Perhaps the son has pressured her into coming round?

Why not spend time where she is more comfortable?

read this (absurd) sentence back to yourself Ok?

Would.it help to talk to them all about what this could possibly be? Maybe having more understanding would help.everyone all round? This is not a dig at you, more about some other responses but wouldn't it be nice if we could all make some allowances for those with differences in the same way we would like our kids to be treated by others? I know there are limits to this, everyone has their own needs to consider too, but I wonder if understanding more would help everyone and also with some simple tips from SM websites may help to change things? I hope it all becomes easier for all involved OP.

Everyone seems to have a so called neurodiversity or invisible condition these days to excuse their basic lack of manners.

Obviously there are genuinely people out there who have diagnosed conditions but autism and ADHD are a bit like trans now, everyone is self diagnosing based on the peer group they associate with on the internet.

At the end of the day she is rude. And while I don’t think that they need to spend time with the family playing board games and so on, I do think that joining the family for meals and basic manners are not too much to expect. I wouldn’t be made to feel unwelcome in my own home.

and other posters children should be off limits - you should not need to be told this - toe the line !

Op has anyone pointed you to a series of threads on here by a poster called workworkwork? Her son had a girlfriend who systematically alienated him from the family. Not saying this is for sure what is happening here but could do with reading to be prepared in case.
One of the big take aways was not doing anything at all to appear as the bad guys. Not criticising her and being lovely to her. Not because you like her or want it all to continue but so that if she says horrible things about you, he will know there's no basis for it.

Op is it possible your son has felt pressured to keep having her round?

It’s not realistic to continually visit a home and to expect to have no interactions at all with the people in that home, no matter what’s causing it. She’s not comfortable. Why can’t they see each other at her house?

Will I stop sticking up for a child who has been described as having a high chance of having a recognised disorder that she can't help, from terrible advice on how to.approach it, that the professionals clearly advise against as it would be extremely damaging to her? No.

Is there a rule about advising OP's to furtherdamage children who already likely battling demons of their own by telling them off about a condition they can't help? There should be.

Will I stop sticking up for a child who has been described as having a high chance of having a recognised disorder that she can't help, from terrible advice on how to.approach it, that the professionals clearly advise against as it would be extremely damaging to her? No.

Then she needs to stop going round.

@Eaglemom yes ….. this is fully what I intend to do…… I know very well how my son was judged as naughty and disruptive whilst actually having ADHD and susoectedASC( we have been told he does but awaiting formal written confirmation ) …. Because he has friends and had girlfriends school wouldn’t accept his ND and just labelled him. he is a totally different human at college and with us - so I know all too well how damaging snap decisions about someone can be.

im also sorry this thread is difficult for you. There isn’t much know widely know about SM and if you or a loved one struggle it must be heartbreaking for people to presume rudeness…..