DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

Ds2s girlfriend was a bit like this at first I thought it was rude as I went out of my way to be over nice , once I calmed down she gradually became more comfortable and slowly became more friendly she was adopted and her adopted mother left the family home when she was 13 and had nothing to do with her. So she has been “rejected” by two mothers .
fast forward 18 months and she stayed here today while DS2 was on a early shift she came down when my mother came had some lunch with us it was lovely . Just give her time and carry on with your life , I think you also need to realise your son is growing up and teenagers are selfish so no
he won’t want to facilitate family time that wil come as he grows

Exactly right, that level of shyness is unlikely with friends and a job and day release?

My son had one of these when he was 17 at 6th form College, a ‘shy’ girl.
She was in our house, looked me up and down! didn’t greet us,
behaved as though she lived there, asked me where was the instant coffee,
no please, I said I don’t have any, she tutted, took herself off upstairs to his room
and slammed the (large, heavy) door.

There was more. I asked her to leave. My son walked her to the station.

She telephoned on the landline early the next day when son was still asleep,
his phone switched off, demanding! that I wake him. I said I wouldn’t.
She was loud and abusive, critiqued my skill as a mother etc.
I said, thanks for the feedback.

She was 21, described to us as quiet and shy. Bizarre.

My bil early twenties had a girlfriend described as shy, in her twenties, worked in a mixed environment, went on political marches and demonstrations, had friends of her own, sat on our couch close to bil, didnt speak but boy could she put away the food and wine! The children avoided her, she never even glanced their way, let alone bring them sweets say, a bunch of flowers or bottle, fed, then left , shuffling out behind bil, no thank you, head down didn’t engage. Baffling but yes, rude.

DH complained loud and long about her charmless manner, lack of interest, monosyllabic responses, faint sneering and whispering to bil, all deemed as ‘shyness’. pfft !

Both women had behavioural problems although the first example didn’t linger
long enough to have any influence on usually phlegmatic son thank goodness.

Good advice here as ever, reduce visits, rude and disrespectful is inexcusable
in your home despite the bleeding heart apologists refrain on here.

Awful, judgemental, ill-informed and presumptuous. Please as I've said already on this thread, educate yourself and read up.on selective mutism

This could be my sister in law 20 years ago. The whole family tried to make conversation with her but got one word answers back and she would sit on her phone playing games rather than engage with us. This woman was highly intelligent and travelled the world holding seminars where she could speak confidently with no sign of shyness. If she was talking about her specialist subject there was no holding her back. We thought she was just rude at the time.

Looking back and now understanding she has autism (we didn't know then and probably hadn't heard of it) I deeply regret not trying harder and giving her the time she needed to get used to us.

My advice would be to treat her with kindness and patience. I suspect over time she will become more communicative once she feels less overwhelmed and more safe. Your son obviously sees something in her that you can't yet see because she closes herself off.

It comes across this way to people who are ignorant of the debilitating condition known as selective mutism. And it is wrong.

I think at 17, you are at the stage of having to let go and trust.
"^ i think if someone pays for every aspect of your life, having a Sunday lunch with them once a week or spending an hour chatting one night, isn’t too much to ask if my DS^. " I am not sure that thinking that you have bought his attention is especially helpful?

This was also me as a teenager. Hello undiagnosed autism.... My mother in-law always made me feel welcome in their home, always included me and catered to me, despite how painful I found socialising with them and I am very grateful for that. I got comfortable eventually.

Regardless, she is clearly making your son happy, and you're the adult here. Be consistent, be kind, be patient. You're sons happiness is the key here really.

I agree!
But this being Mumsnet people will be excusing her behaviours as some sort of syndrome , like only choosing to speak to certain people , which comes across as sulky and rude.

Apologists? For recognising and calling out vile judgemental attitudes towards a condition that is classified in the DSM? Ok

There is no reason this young lady cannot learn to say please, thank you, hello, goodbye and have basic manners. I did, My DS uncle with an IQ of 40 did. My opinion is hardly ill informed

Your opinion is ill informed.
Those basic politeness words are the highest communication load words there are, precisely because they are the words that a child with SM will have been repeatedly shamed for not managing to say. For that reason they are left until late in any kind of intervention programme for children with SM.

@MsCactus thank you ! ! I think you have hit the nail on the head with your post …… he is my eldest and because of all his issues we were very close when he was 15-17. We have a totally open communication style and I don’t do rules as such, so not how some people choose to parent. I am so aware that our kids are our children for life and when he struggled at school I realised I wouldn’t make decisions ( like grounding etc) that would just cause more issues down the line . He needed to know we were on his team …… so I think you are right it is the pulling away and inevitable detaching that is upsetting. Having a non chatty GF just makes it more apparent

Give it a rest Eaglemom. It’s really not ok to armchair diagnose someone you’ve never met.

selectivemutism.org.uk

SM is similar to many other conditions in that everyone with SM is an individual and it can look very different from person to person, so because you know one person with SM does not mean you can compare them to this young person and assume they do or don’t have the same condition. Obviously you can’t be sure but it does seem that much of what you are describing is consistent with how SM can present so it
could be.

Has she spoken to your son about it? Maybe you can ask him if she’d like to have a conversation with him about how she is feeling and what might make her feel more comfortable while she’s in your home so that he can let you know? She may be willing and able to convey what is going on (through him) if this is presented as an opportunity to be better understood and supported. She probably doesn’t want to be seen as rude.

I imagine for young people at this age being around the family of your boyfriend/girlfriend feels very high pressure, so it can’t really be compared to being around friends or even in a workplace (depending on the environment). If she does have SM it would not be surprising at all that she might be able to talk and socialise easily in other places and not in your home — that is literally what SM is.

How on earth are people dismissing a proven, recognised and classified mental health condition? There are specialist professionals dedicated to this disorder. What makes any of you think you have the knowledge and expertise to decide what condition exists or not and which is worthy of empathy and what isn't? Some absolutely disgusting people on here.

@DinnerOfKings

its actually very simple OP, your son needs to tell her to stop being so rude to you!! End of.

oh and you’re well within your rights to limit her visits. Even if she was being really nice you would be. It’s your house after all .

It needs not change the atmosphere. If you decide it is that she is unable to speak more to you at present, for whatever reason, that will change the way you interpret the silence.

The people who "get it" can often become safe people relatively quickly - my son's career it took probably 3-4 months before he could speak to the carer. The crucial thing is not to communicate disapproval during this period.

Honestly the very worst advice you could give. Do not do this OP.

No vet would dream of diagnosing an animal without seeing it, but on here every man and his dog mentions these syndromes.

Someone CAN just be rude and antisocial - they don’t need to have a syndrome to hang it on.

Not diagnosing but selective mutism.has literally been described here. Even if its just a chance that's what it is, why risk being that person who makes things a hundred times worse for someone with a mental health disorder that they have no control over?
I'd it really so hard to choose the kindest route?

Actually SM is very easy to recognize.

It's when a person fully capable of speech is unable to speak in a particular situation or with particular people. It has to be an established pattern and last more than a month.

Given that OP 's son says his gf is "shy", this awkwardness is obviously established. Given that OP can hear her speaking fully and freely in her son's room, she is clearly capable of speech. And given that OP's son is ND it's likely he has been drawn to another ND person.

It's much more likely to be SM than that she is, at age 17, just a rude nasty cow being deliberately rude for unclear reasons to her boyfriend's mother, who you would think would be a key person to try to get on side.

If someone came on here saying they are short of breath, have a temperature, are coughing up.mucky phlegm I'm sure you'd have no problem with the replies saying it's sounds very like this could be a chest infection in which case go to the doctor.
Nobody would be saying they're just attention seeking to cause an atmosphere.
Funny how different it is when it comes to.mental health.

It's. Sad to me that a young girl is being judged for being shy I've struggled all my life with low social confidence as a result of domineering parents and no close relationship with a parent She's still young your son likes her she p robably feels safe with him

I was PAINFULLY shy and self conscious at the age but I was also aware that manners are important so would always say hello and goodbye and thank you for having me etc nicely. Even though I might feel myself go red during the interaction, and then be haunted for a week afterwards by how stupid I sounded when I said hello 😳

I would not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own house. If you say happy Xmas etc and she doesn’t reply, I’d have repeated it “assuming she didn’t hear me”. Sod that.

@PretendToBeToastWithMe thank you ……this makes sense as ASC presents very differently person to person. Two of my children have ADHD but to the outside are very very different. I hadn’t considered the idea that it would manifest differently to a known presentation ……

I do feel like there is something more than rudeness - my son is the chattiest person ever but he’s no push over, so I would be surprised if he picked someone unkind. However with ADHD and suspected ASC I always have to be mindful of his individual vulnerabilities. No matter how old any of my children are it’s my job always to use my wisdom to be able to highlight things to them that, being younger than me they might not have considered…. I also know it’s my job as the adult to consider all aspects and causes for GF behaviour not just automatically assume rudeness