DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

I have a lot of experience with autism and know a child with selective mutism….ny whole family is ND and most of my friends children are too. As I said - me and DH have had exceptionally difficult childhoods which make it harder for me to judge normal.

@Imperrysmum i think if someone pays for every aspect of your life, having a Sunday lunch with them once a week or spending an hour chatting one night, isn’t too much to ask if my DS. My family, until the arrival of this girl have been exceptionally close. Both my DSs and DD and their friends choose to spend time with us - be it a 15 min chat about college or a beer / glass of wine at the kitchen table of a night. So it’s a significant change for him

Seriously can people stop nd have a deeper think about their "it's verging on rude" comments.
Of course a teenage girlfriend really doesn't want to come across as,or be rude to her boyfriends parents.
I honestly believe by what has been said that she absolutely cannot help this, would not choose this and the looks of "anger" that have been interpreted from the OP while in their company are most likely her not wanting to show her terror and desperately wanting to be in a sfe space where she feels comfortable.
There was reason in my life a while ago to raise awareness for selective mutism and I understand this disorder is not well known about but would urge anyone of you to have a read up on it. It is so misunderstood and often mistaken for rudeness whn it is anything but.
I can guarantee however uncomfortable the OP is feeling, the girlfriend is feeling 100x worse.
A little understanding and kindness would go a long way and really help her to make steps to overcome this.

Very possibly she's neuro diverse herself, and struggles communicating. Selective mutism isn't voluntary as it sounds.

Did you also refuse to say hello to the boyfriends parents?

Op what has your son said about it?

@AlmostAJillSandwich i do know quite a bit about it as a family members child has had it since they learned to talk. I’m not saying she is angry and hostile, just that’s how she looks. But I am aware she could be trying to hold it together so hard it comes across that’s she looks cross.

I honestly don't think she's REFUSING, I think that she CAN'T.

@WhydontyouMove i think he feels out of his depth. He has told me she’s shy, that she struggles with lots of people - like teachers etc , so I know it’s not just us. When he comes in he will say - she’s just shy and pull her into the room to chat ….

I’ve had such a tough time with him when he was 13/14/15 as he was pretty wayward. It just feels hard that there is yet another hurdle to preserving our relationship.

I'm surprised you haven't picked up on it as an explanation before now then? You must see some similarities? I feel.so.sorey for people who struggle.with this debilitating condition, fir people to.interpret it as rudeness. It's like a internal.battle that nobody gets.
You must see that it is far more likely that she has this than actively chooses not to speak to her boyfriends parents?

I think you just need to leave them alone. Maybe go out and give them the house to themselves a few times each month so she can feel more at ease and not like there’s somebody in the house that makes her feel scared and uneasy. She clearly makes your son happy so that’s all that matters.

I can’t imagine our 17 year olds would have wanted to go to the pub with us! (We’re not pub people really, but replace with any other setting)

This isn't shy.

This is rude.

It's essentially the 'silent treatment' in a way, which whenever one half of a couple dishes it out to the other, it's unanimously agreed as emotional abuse.

Deliberate attempts to bring down the atmosphere for god knows what reason.

It's one thing if a person os just a quiet soul. Totally different thing. It's another when a person decides when they're going to be the life and soul of the party, and at other times not.

My DD had a girlfriend for two years who was autistic.

I still remember the time she had a panic attack and couldn't get in a train. She was in the train station loos for 45 mins and the train people gave her and DD a stamped piece of paper saying she could travel on any train.

Took a couple of hours to get her on a train.

Look, some people just aren't able to fit into the social expectations other people have.
You want your DS to have a girlfriend who is chatty and nice to you and comes to family meals.

He doesn't have one of those.

He has one who is really shy and struggles to talk to people she doesn't know.

I get that you don't like it. It's always easier when people can meet social expectations. But this clearly isn't personal to you if it's across teachers and many other adults.

Everything you have written here is complete ignorant bullshit

Or maybe she just doesn’t feel like talking to the OP? Nobody is entitled to a person’s words.

Don't 'believe' in it? That's like someone not believing in depression because they've never experienced it themselves. It's hardly surprising your brothers wife didn't want to speak to you with that kind of attitude.

i think if someone pays for every aspect of your life, having a Sunday lunch with them once a week or spending an hour chatting one night, isn’t too much to ask if my DS. My family, until the arrival of this girl have been exceptionally close. Both my DSs and DD and their friends choose to spend time with us - be it a 15 min chat about college or a beer / glass of wine at the kitchen table of a night. So it’s a significant change for him

Completely agree with you. If his girlfriend can’t or won’t engage with you, you need to carve out some time when you are with him and she is not there. Spending every evening together seems very intense, in any case. Could you go for dinner/the cinema with him one evening? You’re not going to be able make a change to her or her behaviour, whether voluntary or not. But you can safeguard your relationship with him.

How often does she come to your house op? Does she stay overnight? I wouldn’t be keen on her staying at only 16. Does he go to her home?

I do think you are maybe expecting a lot eg Sunday lunch and eating with the family. If he is nearly 18 then he will be living more or less an independent life and that is a good thing. You probably have to lower your expectations and just say hi and be friendly and hope it runs its course.

The last thing I wanted to to at 16/17 was talk to my bf's parents. I didn't really want to talk to my own!
My then bf's parents must have been in their 60s (he was a late, precious last one). I was on a different planet. I just wanted to get upstairs to shag him. Parents, no matter whose were not really part of my late teenage world.

It just feels hard that there is yet another hurdle to preserving our relationship.

I think this is the real issue. What are the reasons you are so afraid of losing your relationship with him?

Him wanting to spend all his time with her is completely normal. She is only coming round to visit him, not you or his siblings. I would not have wanted to spend time with my boyfriends family at that age. Having said that, she should not be rude.

To every single person on this thread with their ill informed opinions and presumptions of rudeness....
PLEASE GOOGLE SELECTIVE MUTISM and educate yourselves to make this world more accepting for all those who have to live with this debilitating condition.
It is not a choice. It can vary from people to people and situation to situation.
People literally just freeze.
It is really so important people are more aware of this.
Imagine having an awful condition, that you cannot help, and people are so judgemental and vile about you?

My kid’s gf is like this. On the one hand i find it annoying and rude but on the other, I was that kid myself! Crippled with shy-ness, absolutely tied myself in knots about how to communicate, always dreading how to interact etc. it was awful, i remember feeling so crap about it.

So, my approach is patience and kindness, the opposite of “meet her energy”. I am there when she is ready, and in the mean time i am always warm, welcoming and unobtrusive. I trust my sons judgement.

I would continue to be nice to her, your DS must be aware of her behaviour. The last thing you need is for your DS to say you don't like her/don't make her feel welcome. That is going to drive a wedge between you and your son. Carry on being nice asking polite questions etc, your DS will see she is the one being impolite. If it carries on bring it up with him - you could say GF doesn't seem to like you. I'm sure he feels awkward about it but it's for him to address with her.

Oh gosh, my lovely DD 17 is extremely shy and I can imagine her shrugging and being monosyllabic like this. I have totally taught her good manners but in challenging situations she seems unable to act like the sweet, polite girl she is with people she knows. I hate that she suffers, I hate that she’s rude but I’d be upset if the family of any boyfriend of hers couldn’t just help her out of her shell a bit.

If she has selective mutism then the best thing you can do is act as if she is responding and as if her inability to reply doesn't bother you.

In other words, be nice, speak to her normally but don't expect responses. You can talk in a way that makes her feel welcome without putting her on the spot. Example, "Hello Maisie, nice to see you again. I love those earrings on you, what a lovely colour. I hope you've had a good week! We are having spaghetti bol for tea, I hope that's ok for you? If not just let Ben know and we can rustle up some cheese on toast or something instead. Hi Ben, love, let me know if you two are joining for tea in the next 20 min so I know how much to make. Ok?"

If your son likes her and likes being with her any approach that makes her feel unwelcome or uncomfortable is going to draw him away too. If you are resolutely kind you can't lose. Worst case scenario she carries on being "rude" because she is a rude person who doesn't have selective mutism or social anxiety but just can't be bothered. But if those ARE the reasons why she finds it hard to talk, then kindness and making her feel welcome is the only way to overcome that and enable her to begin opening up. And given that your son likes her, and he presumably has reasonable judgement, that is more likely than that she is just a nasty rude cow, I would have thought?