DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

When in someone else’s home, you actually do owe them at least a “hello’ in entering their home and a goodbye when you leave, if they see you at the time you come in or leave. Anything else is, frankly, rude. You don’t have to have a long chat or anything, but a brief hello or even a wave is not too much to ask.

OP this might help you actually.

One of the factors used to distinguish between "shy" and "SM" is the response in the communication partner.

Shy people can give enough that they tend to arouse protective feelings. They can often do and only do "basic politeness". They warm up over a short period with kind handling - often a single session. People don't feel hostile towards them, though they may feel frustrated with them.

People with SM - out of all the things they find hard to communicate, most of all they can't do basic politeness (because of the shame history with those words, so the expectation to use them causes a huge shutdown response). They can't initiate. They often can't do appropriate facial expression and may look mask-like. The communication partner feels rejected and children with SM, at least, often trigger feelings of hostility in adults, because they appear so lacking in courtesy and manners.

It's a desperately sad condition, SO misunderstood.

Yes anyone with health difficulties should be shut away from.society so they don't make anyone else uncomfortable. Maybe we should re-open the dickensonian institutions?
Maybe just Maybe even going there is a big step for her and she is hoping things will get easier.

It's difficult for me, as mother of a shy dd, to know what might help her but this thread is enlightening. My dd is appropriately loud at home, and chatty and polite school. I recall that dd was initially very shy and apparently rude with a lovely neighbour of ours. This kind lady always spoke to her as though everything was normal, without putting her 'on the spot', and they now have a great relationship. Dd pops round to help her and they chat!
@DinnerOfKings I think your kind approach is probably right for gf and also for supporting your ds, who obviously thinks she's ok. It might take a while, though!

Op is she stopping him from seeing his friends or have they happily absorbed her into the gang? Is it a mix of sex and he feels sorry for her that is keeping him with her?

Then she needs to stop going round.

Yes anyone with health difficulties should be shut away from.society so they don't make anyone else uncomfortable. Maybe we should re-open the dickensonian institutions?
Maybe just Maybe even going there is a big step for her and she is hoping things will get easier.

For her own good Eagle. Maybe she should stop going round for her own good. Does she sound to you like she’s enjoying herself? Perhaps the boyfriend should be more understanding and see her at her own house where she’s more comfortable.

Given her age, if she had been diagnosed with selective mutism, would she not tell her boyfriend that, by way of explanation as she doesn't speak to his family?

Thank you so much. I really didn't want to derail, it just breaks me that the responses to this girl.are all so judgemental and nasty. I can't diagnose her obviously but there is a very good chance it could be SM and i hate to think how she would feel about some of these responses. Life must be hard enough for her. I know first hand how dreadful it is for the sufferer and how the wrong approach can put people back miles.
But I also know the impact on those around but understanding really makes a difference.
She is pretty lucky it is your house she is going to, I can see you are trying to navigate it all and get the right balance for everyone. Good luck.

Well seeing as the majority on here don't believe in it you can see why this could be hard for.her

@SMiRAliser that is helpful …… my best friend as a child was loud and bossy with me but literally was paralysed with fear at saying hello to my nan. We moved so I never saw how she interacted with people as she got older …..

it’s interesting that with SM it is more likely for people to feel that the non talker is rude - aloof ….. it does very much appear to be lacking basic manners. Which must make it so very hard to live with or watch your child being judged. It’s hard though to be on the receiving end too …… esp for my other kids who just don’t understand it due to their own ND. I wonder if it sits alongside things like ASC ? I only say that as her sister has ASC and it makes sense to me than my son is ND and feels very comfortable with her .

And just because she might not have been diagnosed doesn't mean she doesn't have it. Lots of people don't get diagnosed and have to struggle through. She might not even have heard of it

Check that she really is over sixteen if you can OP.

Also make sure DS is using condoms.

A huge issue is that SM is massively under diagnosed and very poorly understood, as can be clearly seen in this thread!

Diagnosis is hard to come by. SM treatment sits between speech and language therapy (as a communication issue) and psychology (as an anxiety disorder) and in many areas neither group is commissioned to treat SM. SM is not covered in basic training either. However the national charity is trying very hard to improve things. But as things stand - it really would not be at all surprising for someone never to have heard of SM let alone have a formal diagnosis.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen she is ……. She went to the neighbouring secondary where half of my sons friends go, so I know for a fact she left school last summer.

I have explained to him many times about this.

She sounds like she's having a lovely time with the boyfriend once on his room. Exposure to uncomfortable situations gently is a recommended approach. Brave of her to keep trying. That small amount of time with the family each time could be working wonders

Yes, it is common in autism though not all with SM are autistic. There's little research because obviously it's a hard population to study ethically, but current estimated and reported figures is that around 60-70 percent of those with SM are autistic.

I was thinking exactly this. As the parent of autistic teens, I find that they are mainly drawn to other ND young people in terms of friendships.

This varies from friends who are incredibly overfamiliar and have no awareness of social boundaries (in Avery innocent way) to those who can't bring themselves to speak or make eye contact.

I'd say there is a good chance of the OP's ND having a girlfriend who is also ND.

I’d have hated having to chat or hang out with a boyfriend’s parents at that age.

just leave her alone

good post - this is exactly how I felt in my situation described upstream -
my husband was not there at the time and I wondered how she would behave
had he been
I was in no doubt that had she continued throwing herself about DH would
have told her to leave and discourage son from leaving the house with
her even for 20 minutes.

I heard, ‘you are so lucky, your children are so polite and well mannered’
luck?

this is 17 years and counting hard work at times gone into producing these fine
young people’

I’m not prepared to see this undermined and challenged by a badly brought up
stroppy, rude girlfriend. In my house. In my family’s home and haven.

Should my son have conducted a friendship with this young woman outside the
home, Ive no doubt his friends and contemporaries would soon alert him to odd, aberrant behaviour, freely offered comment and advice, speeded the plow.

You know all this OP, it is why you posted on here, for comment and hopefully validation.

I wouldn't want.someone who ignores me in my own house. I'd probably tell my son that I'm not comfortable having her in my home anymore, unless she's more friendly. I was a very shy person at that age, but I still spoke back to my boyfriends parents and had manners.

If you have a problem with her, he'll just see her somewhere else. You won't see her more or him less.

I disagree that he's at an age to carve out time to spend with you. In ten years, perhaps.

I would hate this situation but I would prefer it to be happening where I could see it and know if that intensity was damaging my son. You don't know that look you're referencing is fury. It could be desperation, waiting for him to move things forward so she isn't on the spot.

I'm sure you've done this but what did ds say when you casually asked about why she doesn't talk? Are there other people she doesn't talk to? Does he feel able to raise it with her?

Whoever suggested you should insist they turn up to meals is crazy. You're not going to get anywhere by insisting. But if he is not able to occasionally say "I promised Dad I'd go fishing" ahead of time, or "I told Mum I'd go with her to see Nan" to her without friction, I'd be concerned that the relationship isn't healthy. There's still not much you can do, other then to let him know that he should be able to keep other interests in his life as well. He should definitely be encouraging her to keep other interests.

OP you say that your son spends 'every night' with this girl and that she 'sleeps under your roof'...don't you think this is a bit much, given that she is 16.5? What do her own parents think about that?

@Eaglemom

why?

Why are you comparing your shyness to probable selective mutism? Glad you could speak when shy, that's lovely, but that has nothing to.do.with the thread. selective mutism is not shyness. It's not that they won't speak, they physically CAN'T.

Google selective mutism and the does and don't. There is your answer.
You don't draw attention to it in any way. It sets people back massively. Exposure over time, being patient and little by little is the way.