DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

And just to add... before he overcame this, when my son's SM was at its height and he didn't say a word at school for the first 4 years... he had loads of friends... even described as popular...the kids in his class would always include him in all their games, invited him to their parties, he was never left out from anything at all.
To think of these amazing kids and how they adapt to those who are different and then read the ignorant responses from grown adults on here...
Shameful

@Callmecynical this is how I do see it ….. I trust him and know he must have a v strong connection with her. I haven’t said I haven’t tried - I’ve tried everything. Saying hi and walking past, asking her direct questions, not drawing attention to her, chatting to my son so she can see what kind of person I am, leaving her be ……. I would hate her to think I don’t like her or think she’s rude - that’s why I’m asking for advice in how to manage

If it's selective mutism then it's not a refusal. Maybe do a modicum of research?
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/selective-mutism/

I was always very nervous around my now husband’s big family. They were loud and I wasn’t. It made me come across as aloof but I was just shy. 25 years on I look back and feel sick because I can remember how I was feeling - even now they still make me feel like this sometimes.

Could she be selectively mute?
It would be totally normal for her to be able to laugh and speak fluently in some situations (where she feels comfortable and unmasked, like alone with her bf) but literally be unable to speak in more stressful situations (like making small talk with her bfs parents).

Funnily enough my son's first girlfriend was the same. I wonder if it's the same girl LOL. It was very awkward at times. I was secretly glad it hadn't worked out 😕

It could just be an age thing. It does seem very awkward though and I can see why you'd worry.

We have no evidence this is selective mutism. None.

As to my opinion, as an adult who was not diagnosed with autism till I was in my late 30's, with PTSD and social anxiety, with a family that has autism, ADHD, and one Down Syndrome family member, what people need with that sort of terminal shyness is education and support. The GF will need to learn to deal with people sometime, whether she is neurodiverse or not. If her parents will not help her learn to converse and interact with others, it's unfortunate but perhaps the OP can be a village.

There is no reason this young lady cannot learn to say please, thank you, hello, goodbye and have basic manners. I did, My DS uncle with an IQ of 40 did. My opinion is hardly ill informed. Rather, it is based on lived experience and observation. There is far too much of the let it go philosophy out there, pretending to be compassionate. Giving people the tools to function in society and encouraging them that they can succeed is far more compassionate than saying "Poor little lambie, she can't help it."

OP my brother's wife is still behaving like this well into middle-age. She's not so shy that she can't also scream at him in public on occasions, mind you.
I don't think it's been an easy ride for him but he's very loyal.

Do you like her?

I'll be honest, I'd struggle to. And if she's ok with some, but rude to you, teachers and others how is she going to get a job? And if she doesn't, guess who'll be supporting her one way or another?

Do they sleep together at yours? Have you had 'the talk' with your son?

@Mrsdyna yes I really do think age is at play too ….. I’m not concerned so much that she doesnt talk to me ….. obviously I would prefer that but more I want to keep comms open with my son so if it is more about control I can support him. I dont want to alienate her or him. Kindness is my preferred choice but I am ND too and I hate how it changes the atmosphere in my home

The OP has literally described a person with selective mutism. Look at the symptoms.
More reason to think it is this than that she deliberately wants to be rude and disrespectful to her boyfriends parents. Why would she want to ruin her relationship?
Think about it.
Jumping to the worst conclusion. Why?

Also there may be a very good reason she can't learn to speak to say please and thank you. It is called selective mutism.
The fact that you are diagnosed with certain disorders does not give you the right to dismiss other people's struggles.

OP, you said she's spending "every night" with your son - do you mean that she stays overnight every night, too? In other words, she's moved into your house, aged 16?

Where are her own family in this, if she's now effectively - or actually living at your house?

It also comes across as arrogant , self absorbed and impolite not to speak to one’s boyfriend’s parents.

Hopefully he’ll get a more social girlfriend in time, Op.

What if you tried talking to her? You could ask her to have a cup of tea with you when she comes in, and then ask her if everything this is ok, and let you know that it’s important for her to say hello when she is visiting and join in for meals. She is a child, she is acting like a child and perhaps the best approach is to explain this to her like she is a child. I expect she would hate the confrontation, but maybe it would give her something to think about. It would need to be done in a gentle but really clear way.

No.

Honestly people's misunderstanding of communication anxiety really boils my piss.

Look, if you are frightened of spiders, you can be perfectly happy and functional until a spider appears in your field of vision.

That doesn't mean you aren't really frightened of spiders and are making it all up. It means that the spider is the trigger for the response.

Selective mutism works in exactly the same way. It is an inability to speak when triggered by a new an unsafe person or in a new and unsafe environment. So as long as you aren't being expected to interact with a new an unsafe person or in a new and unsafe environment, you will be able to be your true communicative self - and speak fully and freely. It's exactly like a fear of spiders, except that for "spiders" read "new or unsafe people".

The precise pattern of SM differs for every person who has it just like a spider phobia. Some are ok with small spiders like money spiders but are triggered by bigger ones. Same with SM; some kids with SM can speak to other kids but not to higher "authority figures" such as adults. Others can't speak to anyone apart from family.
In no case is it a deliberate choice; it is always and simply dependent on what triggers the anxiety shut-down response.

The fact that this girl is managing to say single words suggests to me that she very much wants to speak but finds it all very difficult. This is called "low profile selective mutism" btw.

You could learn to say these things because you weren't diagnosed with selective mutism. You were diagnosed with other things.
That's like saying that my toes were amputated but I still learnt to play the piano so there is no reason a person with amputated fingers cannot.

I understand, I too would be panicking about the long term of it but you never know, he might not even be with her that long.

Do you feel that he is being controlled? Because if you're not sure, I wouldn't bring it up with him as it might make him feel misunderstood and you don't want to push him away.

She won't join you at the pub? Fair enough, she's 16.5 - that's young

Won't join you in your house when it's dinner time for a meal? That is a skill she is going to need to learn. Next time she is over, ask what she likes for dinner.

As it approaches dinner I would be inviting her for dinner at the table, or asking her if she is going home. Maybe she is a very choosy eater and she doesn't want to join you in case she doesn't like the food.

Maybe she is unhappy at home? It sounds like she is nearly moving in to your house

I think your real issue OP is not the gf, but how much your DS is pulling away from you and not spending time with the family anymore. Is he your eldest?

It must be painful to go through this, but it is really very natural. He needs to basically detach from your family in order to attach to a partner, friends - and eventually create his own home, family and children. It's what every teenager does.

I think this is what you're struggling with, more so than this particular gf.

I think she's not shy at all, but angry and controlling. There have been plenty of similar instances on threads on MN.

I would encourage your son to stick with his other friends. When his girlfriend is rude to you by ignoring you, I think I'd say something to my son immediately afterwards, so he can't pretend it hasn't happened.

If it's his first romantic relationship it's likely he's obsessed with her right now, but he needs to remember what he likes about his other friends and how this relationship is lacking that.

Thank you for this. I'm finding the responses on this thread really quite distressing, having selective mutism in our lives at one point, looking back I should have been more afraid of the ignorance out there than I even was. I feel so sorry for people facing these attitudes

Personally leave them to it. The more you push against the more he is likely to pull away. Just let him (and her) know you are there for them if they need you.

I'd ask D's to commit to a new night a week spent with parents without the quiet one. Other nights I'd just smile and say hello and goodbye, and leave them alone. Over time she might be one a little more open with you.