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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP gone on holiday

301 replies

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:42

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 11/01/2025 12:45

I think separate holidays are absolutely fine - so long as you also have holidays together .
Making him feel bad for going is not nice .

Thelnebriati · 11/01/2025 12:46

You are not being a knob, he has made his choice and he needs to own it instead of trying to guilt trip you.
IMO its immensely difficult to stay in any kind of relationship where there's a big imbalance, and money has to be one of the worst kinds. You need to meet each other halfway on this, but its going to be difficult to work out where that it. Think about going for counselling to sort out what you want, then couples counselling.

Whatifitallgoesright · 11/01/2025 12:46

You've had to look after his children while he's away? Or has he sorted their care with their mum?

Tel12 · 11/01/2025 12:47

Doesn't sound like much of a partnership when he's happy to go to a dream destination and leave you and DC behind cold and broke. I'd be inclined to consider where you are going as a couple.

UndermyShoeJoe · 11/01/2025 12:47

His a dp, he out earns you, you don’t want to ask for help for things like holiday. You’ve then acted in a way to make him feel bad for holidaying with his parents and siblings?

His not dumped his children on you? You don’t have a child together you’ve been left taking of?

The heating has broken and that’s shit, would him being home make it any better? Just ring the company and get someone to come out.

biscuitsandbooks · 11/01/2025 12:48

Unless you're being left to look after his DC, I think he should be able to go on holiday with his family without being made to feel guilty.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/01/2025 12:49

biscuitsandbooks · 11/01/2025 12:48

Unless you're being left to look after his DC, I think he should be able to go on holiday with his family without being made to feel guilty.

Agree with this

Tealpins · 11/01/2025 12:50

I wouldn't be super annoyed about holidaying with his parents. Seems reasonable to me.

But is the house yours? I'm concerned about you paying out for repairs if it's not yours. And about how much money he contributes. Seems mad you and DC are struggling without central heating w this he's in Hawaii.

Notonthestairs · 11/01/2025 12:50

Are you looking after his. Children whilst he is away?

WorkSad · 11/01/2025 12:51

I'd be annoyed - but more so if it was just that he said tough shit, you can't afford it. As you couldn't go because of work anyway I'm undecided.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 11/01/2025 12:51

If he’s left you looking after his or your joint children then he’s being an arsehole. If you don’t share any kids and his kids are at their mums then YABU.

AwaitingFreedom · 11/01/2025 12:51

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does.

I have no clue how it works in blended families tbh but the usual way is to pay bills proportionately to your wages. If you are paying 50/50 then I would be wondering if he's financially abusing you if you are continually broke while he's swanning around.

Who is looking after his children while he's away - you or their mum? Because if it's you then run, he's not coming across as a partner.

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:51

I haven't been left with his DC, but I've been finding it difficult because a holiday like this is out my reach financially and I personally couldn't make a decision to go away for a long period of time without my DC. They'd be upset with me.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 11/01/2025 12:51

As long as you're not looking after his children he's not being unreasonable.

Tealpins · 11/01/2025 12:52

Tel12 · 11/01/2025 12:47

Doesn't sound like much of a partnership when he's happy to go to a dream destination and leave you and DC behind cold and broke. I'd be inclined to consider where you are going as a couple.

I think this is the nub. Why does someone who presumably loves me want to leave me literally cold? That's weird. Shouldn't it be more of a partnership by 8 years?

biscuitsandbooks · 11/01/2025 12:53

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:51

I haven't been left with his DC, but I've been finding it difficult because a holiday like this is out my reach financially and I personally couldn't make a decision to go away for a long period of time without my DC. They'd be upset with me.

You can't take that out on him, though. He's allowed to make different decisions from you about leaving his children with their other parent.

AhBiscuits · 11/01/2025 12:55

I think yabu. It's pretty selfish of you to want him to miss out because you can't go.

biscuitsandbooks · 11/01/2025 12:55

Tealpins · 11/01/2025 12:52

I think this is the nub. Why does someone who presumably loves me want to leave me literally cold? That's weird. Shouldn't it be more of a partnership by 8 years?

Show quote history

But a partnership doesn't mean doing everything together.

I still go away on long weekends etc. with my parents without DH and he visits his family without me. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where we had to go together or I couldn't go at all.

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:55

The CH packing up is not on him! But I think he resented me telling him because he felt guilty. I messaged him about as it's going to cost a lot to get it sorted and it'll doing ASAP- I got someone to look at it.

Maybe I'm being a nob! I haven't stopped him from going but I've tried to be honest with him about I've found it difficult.

OP posts:
Youtookmyhandle · 11/01/2025 12:55

I've always gone on holidays with my Mum. Partners have never questioned it and I never felt any guilt going. I love spending time with her.

Doggymummar · 11/01/2025 12:56

Has he gone for a month or more? A regular holiday without the children sounds like bliss. Get a boiler person out for the central heating and use the time to work out finances, could you jiggle things around to make it easier. I go on holiday by myself and make it cheap and cheerful, Hawaii wouldn't make that list. My DP likes a bit of luxury and would pay for joint holidays rather than a Band B that I would book for myself, so we could both go.

Rarelybutsometimesunreasonable · 11/01/2025 12:56

So, you don’t want to be paid for, don’t earn enough to go, but don’t want him going without you with others? You expect him to limit his holiday budget to the same as yours, so that he has to go only on cheaper holidays? And am making him feel bad for going? That’s totally not fair on him. YABU

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:57

Also, I know his DC are a bit miffed too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:58

I know be couldn't afford to pay for all of us. It'd be unfair to ask him

OP posts:
JustWalkingTheDogs · 11/01/2025 12:59

I holy your not looking after his DC or did they go on holiday with him?

I understand why you might be a bit miffed. I'm the higher earner out of me and my DH, but if I couldn't afford to take him with me on a holiday that I knew he wanted to go on, I wouldn't go, or wait until we'd saved enough to go together.