DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

Do you mean it's owned 50/50? Or that you split bills and costs 50/50?

DH and I both own our home but he pays more towards the running costs as he earns more money than I do.

This would be a more productive thing to bring up when he’s back. It’s not fair that you’re really struggling to keep up with 50:50 on everything when he earns so much more.

Why does earning less mean she should own less of the house? Or are you suggesting he should give her a larger share in their joint house because she earns less even though they don’t share children or finances?

This is just my idea of a real partnership

That money for hawaii (!) Could be going into family funds. And what sort of husband just takes loads of holidays without his partner. I don't know any who would

Not my idea that shld say !

Is he also paying towards these? How is the contribution split? Same with other household costs?

Yes it's a bit shitty for you to not go on the holiday, but sounds like you wouldn't have gone anyway because of work and your child.

I totally understand him wanting to make memories with his aging parents but he does seem to have rubbed your nose into things. Why couldn't the trip wait until you could ALL go?
Perhaps don't ask about the hotel, meals, excursions etc. Just remain disinterested and if that makes him feel guilty......tough!

They are (by the sound of it) not married. Very different to married couples who are financially a unit.

Have you ended up buying a house that is more suit to his finances than yours? 8 years of partnership if not sharing finances should be based in what the lower earner can manage else you get caught in the situation of the low earner supplementing the high earners lifestyle, which seems to be the case here.

Is it also an adult only holiday?

So even if you could have afforded it you still couldn't have gone , so in this situation affordability has nothing to do with? In that case then I think you are being unreasonable.

I’m with you OP. Examples others have given about separate holidays are great, and clearly having independence is healthy etc etc etc but this is HAWAII FFS, in the middle of the worst month of the year. I’d be very jealous ( that might be because it’s my dream destination, somewhere else probably wouldn’t be the same) and it’s ok to feel left out on something so big and exciting, without the undercurrent accusations of been somewhat needy!

I couldn't afford it and wouldn't want to go without DC and DSC.

I know that. I was asking another poster a question

So you couldn't go anyway because of work, kids and finances.

He shouldn't have to miss out on a holiday with aging parents because of that. It's his choice about not seeing his kids for a few weeks (as long as his ex is happy having them) - just because you wouldn't like that, doesn't mean he has to feel the same

I do think though, if you are living together and aiming to be a partnership, outgoings and things like renovations should be split fairly, according to your incomings, not split 50/50 (assuming that's what's currenlty happening)

IMO it's not a partnership in the true sense of the word

You just happen to share a house

Please tell me it's jointly owned

I owe 50% of house and pay 50% towards it- renovations and bills etc

But if you couldn't go because of your work, and you wouldn't want to go without your children, then what's the problem? That you can't afford to have the holiday you want where everyone including all the kids goes along, so that should mean that he can't go on holiday with his parents and siblings?

I understand the issue if him going meant that you wouldn't be able to afford a family holiday. Or if he'd left you to do the caring for his children. The split of household running costs sounds like it needs to be looked at, but that is a separate conversation.

I would have happily let him feel guilty and ruin his trip. Selfish bastard.

Because they're not married and it's often accepted that you "take out what you put in" in these kinds of situations.

There's a lot of research about happiness in populations. One of the things that's interesting is that poverty and/or wealth don't cause higher crime rates. Relative poverty does though. If there is a stark, obvious divide, there is crime. Having no money while everyone else has no money doesn't make you feel poor, but seeing other people with loads does. Then you get resentful and jealous and want things.

You live with the 'other half'. You're shivering while someone else is in Hawaii. Of COURSE that's worse than shivering together. Of course you feel pissed off. It's entirely natural and predictable.

I love travelling and adventure. DH likes beach holidays. So we do cheap beach together and I go off to home stays in Eritrea (locations changed to protect the innocent) alone. Because he wouldn't want to do that. I couldn't go to Hawaii in January while he sat in the cold.

I suggest talking about the general expenses when he gets back. Not paying for holidays for you, but shouldering a little more of the renovations, maybe. Just s you aren't struggling and worrying.

Pay less not own less.

Well, this is the problem. Sounds like you own a house you can't afford to pay for.

I have holidays without dh, but usually a few days somewhere in Europe. Hawaii is a lottery win holiday for us, so I would be miffed if he was going with his parents and not me/ family.

I don't really get the 'making memories' with his parents thing. But then, that wouldn't even cross my mind as an adult.

But 50/50 relates only to when you sell it—during the lifetime of the co-ownership the opportunity cost to you is much higher because you make so much less that your proportional share if the costs hurts you more. In addition you are putting in a lot if money into an asset that will, presumably, go to his children. You will never reap the full benefit if your investment.