DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

Exactly - through the words in her post, I’m just thinking there’s a lot of love feeling.

Do you jointly own the house?

Why is the cost down to you?

Shouldn't the incentive be that he loves her? That he wants financial parity for both of them? That he wants to share?

It should be but it isn't. That should clang bells very loudly for the OP but it doesn't seem to have. I don't really care about men in this scenario, they always seem to land on their feet, but women do not.

OP seems to be angry in the wrong place for the wrong reasons. It's nothing to do with holidays, it's the general unfairness that she has seemingly willingly signed herself (and her children) up to. I really don't understand why some women do this, it is never in their interests.

50:50 is the only route. He has no obligation to do more and he obviously doesn't want to. As PP have rightly said, if the OP were the higher earner, any man wanting more would be laughed at here and the OP would be told to hang on to her money.

These situations are bonkers. Nobody needs to get married but it's foolish to put yourself at a disadvantage for another adult.

You couldnt go , the kids couldn't go. He could. Absolutely no problem for me if this was my DH.

Exactly. People seem to be suggesting he shouldn’t go on holiday with his parents because OP can’t go. OP says she doesn’t want to go without her children who are in school anyway. Also that she has to work. There is a conflation of “he earns more and should take you on holiday” (to add my DP earns more and there is an expectation he will pay more for joint things like bills and holidays as he can afford more) with “you CANT go on this holiday for a variety of reasons and therefore DP shouldn’t go either out of solidarity”. What would that achieve? Why shouldn’t he go away with his parents? Independent holidays are fine.

The issue is the expenditure set up. The expenses are shared 50:50 and OP therefore has very little left for luxuries.

I suspect what OP really feels is that her DP should spend of his surplus cash on luxuries for them all rather than himself (FWIW, I agree). In which case there needs to be conversation about finances. But it seems as though that conversation hasn’t taken place and OP wants her DP to intuit that.

So many relationship disagreements are because one partner is essentially of the position that “I have an expectation (which I have not properly communicated) and I am miffed that you haven’t intuited my expectation”. I can firmly place myself in that category to be fair!

If OP’s DP had booked a holiday for them all next month somewhere lovely, I very much doubt she would be begrudging him this trip with his parents.

I think it’s pretty unfair money is also not a joint thing. I’d be hurt & upset after 8 years.

Why would you agree to 50% of the renovations? Whose idea ? Why isn’t he footing more of the house renovation? Is it a necessity or luxury house renovations ?

I think you're upset because it's a romantic setting that you are NOT experiencing together.

Going in January is ridiculous price wise. Keep that in mind.

My SIL went on holiday last year long haul with her mum and siblings - big holiday paid by her mum as her last hurrah (she turned 80 later that year when travel insurance goes up significantly).
She left her DC and DH at home because they couldn't afford it and the DC had school.

Because it's her house as well and they own it 50/50? Why should he pay more?

Where are his children? How does this fit with 50/50?

OP has said they're with their mum while he's away.

So OP is unable to pick up the telephone and call someone out to repair it? It sounds like it broke after he went! He’s gone away with his elderly parents, so it’s not like he’s gone on a lads holiday. She could have arranged for DC to stay with their father and gone but didn’t/couldn’t. So she needs to stop making him feel guilty!

8 years together and he’s gone on such a big holiday without you? I wouldn’t be happy at all. Holidays are important to me, we don’t get many, but when we are lucky enough it’s us as a family. Why couldn’t he contribute to you going too? All very odd and doesn’t sound like a long term relationship at all.

OP could t go anyway because of childcare and work.

What you are describing is jealousy, and you are justifying it as dressing it up as concern for your children being “left”. What you are doing, by intentionally ruining his holiday, is spiteful.

your DH is clearly fine leaving his kids, you and your kids. Regardless of whether you could ever leave yours. Put simply, if this is not what you want in a relationship then be mature and end it and find somebody who fits your idea of a perfect partner. You don’t let him get there after spending ££££ and then drip poison on his trip and ruin it because you have morphed into a ginormous green eyed monster. The point to speak out and draw your line was before he went away.

In all honesty I've never been in this situation my dh and me have never been on separate holidays through choice we just wouldn't want to anyway

In your situation id stop paying so much into the house so you can do more things but really it doesn't even sound like your living as a couple more just house mates

I have an imbalance in wages the other way in my relationship. It isn't easy. I would and do go away on my own, as does DH, but a big dream trip like this I can't see one of us doing and not the other. Apart from anything else I'd want to experience that with my husband and children. I would pay for my DH to come and never leave him behind if it would cause upset. It's understandable you are miffed but also you presumably both agreed he could go so he should be able to enjoy it.

A bigger thing though is if you are a partnership you should not be paying half for household things, that should be split according to your means in my view.

These situations are difficult and honestly nobody but you can really understand , you can get points of view but unless your in it it’s hard to understand it if that makes sense ?
we had similar three years ago , SIL chose to get married abroad ( fine her choice ) booked it September , our little one wasn’t well from birth so we spent alot of time in hospitals and still do due to various health conditions , eldest also medical conditions , so basically I was the bigger person and said well you need to go so just go , didn’t make it any easier especially when I ended up in hospital with both children after he left ( was single parent for 7 years so quite independent ) however having two children poorly and in hospital was next level , I didn’t make him feel guilty for it but I did resent the SIL for putting us in that position as there were lots of guilt trips from her and his parents etc about going . ;”( he wasn’t going to go initially- his choice ) and when asked specified the weeks that month that would be really difficult for us … oh she also booked wedding for my birthday ( big thing here as me mum and sister all born same day ) so he was away for that , by the time he got back kids were out of hospital and I was exhausted physically and mentally and in such a burnout ! it is still a sore subject now one that I’ve never made him feel bad for as they put him in a position. One thing I did say was I don’t want to see pictures , talk about it or anything ( my children were the only ones not asked to be part of the wedding also ) so yes it is more than understandable that you feel the way you do but when he’s home I think you guys need a long chat and to work out what the priorities are in your relationship , relationships are so difficult and trying and take a lot of hard work but it has to be a joint effort x

I am surprised so many think you are being unreasonable. I am old fashioned perhaps, it is holiday together or not at all. His parents are odd not considering going somewhere you could all go, shows that they are really not bothered about you being part of the family. I also think he is selfish, and trying to make out you are spoiling his holiday just because you have told him about some real life issues going on at home, that says more about him than you. It should be a normal conversation. I think he is a dick personally and wouldn't want him for my partner. I would send him back to his parents and allow him to make all the memories he likes. You should not feel bad for being pissed off!

Just dont get this paying your way when you are a married couple. Paying your way is not just about money is it ? Choosing to go on holiday with parents over your wife and children seems somewhat unusual and almost misguided I think. Would you say he is a 'mummy's boy' in other ways?

I defo think that it when living together and both contributing to the household, you should pay % of the bills based on each of your income, as it’ll leave the lower earner with no disposable income for things like hols.

If he earns 3 times as much as you then it would be fairer for you to pay 1/4 of the bills and reno costs and he pays 3/4.

That way you are both using the same percentage of your income for the joint bills - it’s not equality in the bills being split equally, it’s equality in that you are both using the equal parts of your incomes for joint bills.

It may not be the case that if you don’t pay 50% of the repairs that it wouldn’t be 50/50 split of equity if you separated. Depends how you hold the property - joint tenants or tenants in common or if there is a cohabitation agreement / declaration of
trust etc. check with a solicitor if you don’t know as you may be putting yourself under unnecessary financial pressure x

@Jajagabour

Is your Central Heating repaired and working properly now, OP?

You couldn’t reasonably stop him from going if he can afford it, but I don’t think you are being unreasonable to feel a bit put out. I would if my other half went off to Hawaii without me! I can understand his children being a bit miffed as well. Doesn’t mean I don’t understand that adults get to make their own decisions. It’s ok to tell him you wish you could have gone, most people would love a warm holiday right about now.He has to accept that he’s upset you all a little, I’m sure he’ll get over it (in the sunshine).