DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

That's fair enough but when he's earning that much more than you he should then be paying more towards the non essentials like holidays and meals out. You've been in a relationship 8 years so should be more of a partnership really.

So your dp knows you were without heating in freezing cold weather and still sent you sunny beach pics?

He is an absolute dick.

Can you do it again this summer? Or will he not be able to afford it because of Hawaii?

Boiler is fine and relatively new. Radiators need cleaning. We've known this has been an issue but CH has been OK. It's packed up now (coldest week of all times to happen! )

Yes, I think maybe this would be more "fair".

Housing costs split 50/50 as you own 50/50, but then other day-to-day costs need to be split so that he pays the majority.

I think you are fine to be annoyed. Its like you are together but not together as you are not sharing the burden of finances etc. I think I would def be resentful if my partner flew off on a dream holiday and I was struggling at home. I would reasses what the relationship actually is as it doesn't seem like an equal partnership to me.

Separate holidays are fine if both parties are in agreement about this. Personally, I would hate separate holidays from my husband. I couldn’t imagine him going off without me, and under these circumstances, with him knowing you can’t afford to take the same type of holiday, I’d be pissed off.

He must have known you’d like to go, that all your money is eaten up by the house, and he couldn’t make do with a family holiday for you all instead?

I probably wouldn’t have returned any of his messages, so I think he’s got off fairly lightly by the sounds of it.

I can see why this grates, because let's be honest, it's jealousy and that's understandable. But there is nothing actually wrong with what he is doing, which is using his own money to spend his free time with his family as he sees fit.

If all children belonged to you both jointly and he went off on his own at a time when neither you nor the DC could attend, spent a whacking part of your joint budget and left you doing all the childcare then you'd be justified in being annoyed. But none of that applies.

His children have a 50:50 split with his ex so he's entitled to do as he pleases when they are with their mother. I'm sure he has holidays with his DC too. Whether you'd make the same choice without taking your own children is beside the point.

Unless he's using up all his annual leave so he has absolutely no money or time for a holiday with you this year then I think YABU. I completely understand why it feels a bit shit though.

@Jajagabour who was the one who was driving the housing renovations idea? It sounds very unfair that he earns 3 x your income yet you're having to pay 50% of the renovation cost. He clearly doesn't see the issue because it doesn't currently impact him negatively. This doesn't feel like much of a partnership. Do you feel he respects you generally or do you feel an imbalance?

We are not married but we are still very much financially a unit.

But you couldn't have gone on the holiday due to work and wouldn't have left your children in any event?

So what it comes down to is you don't think he should have gone on holiday with his parents without you. That is unreasonable.

I do understand that the destination is amazing and may be once in a lifetime but the money side is something of a red herring because you couldn't have gone due to work and wouldn't have due to your kids.

Sorry I do think that it's unreasonable on your part. Not to feel jealous, we can't help how we feel but to suggest he shouldn't have gone is unreasonable.

Can you say why you have separate finances? Do you want to be married and/or combine finances or is it a joint decision to keep things separate?

I just can’t imagine going to Hawaii without my kids. When he says his parents aren’t toit to be there forever, you reply pretty sharply enjoy it as if you keep leaving your own children at home while you take amazing holidays they won’t be going anywhere with you when you’re old.
Also, he doesn’t pay a fair proportion of bills so no wonder you’re resentful.

Like I said he's done long haul hols many times before, but thus year has been difficult for me deal with. I can't afford a long haul holiday, maybe not for a few years. But that's fine, I know I'll get an opportunity to go.

@Jajagabour he is being awful! I hope you make him feel even guiltier! why does he need to reconnect with his family if he is always on holiday with them anyway!! he is a selfish horrible person, leaving you at home in this weather with broken down central heating and a half finished house! has he taken his own children along too??? why are you not married and doing everything together like a real family would do?

I think it’s pretty selfish of him!

Legally you're not, though, that's the thing.

I also think if a man wanted a woman to contribute 70% of the costs for a house she only owned half of, responses would be a bit different.

Yeah I wouldn’t have told him about the CH until he’s home. There’s nothing he can do from Hawaii and it’s bound to make him feel bad knowing you’re at home without CH whilst he’s on holiday.

It’s ok to feel miffed he’s in Hawaii on a holiday of your dreams with his family. It’s not ok to make him feel bad about it. You were invited and didn’t go.

Also I didn't say he couldn't go. I've trying to be as supportive as possible but obviously feeling a bit crap about it.

It’s not fine! You can’t afford it because you’re trying to match what he’s paying into the house. He’s got significantly more disposable income than you, enough to bugger off to Hawaii for winter sun, but you’re left at home because you cannot afford it.
I realise you aren’t married, but you’ve been together a decent enough amount of time. He should want to make life comfortable for you all as a family, not just spend on luxury’s for himself.

If the hypothetical woman were the higher earner the replies would be the same.

Completely agree- can’t understand all these on here who think it’s ok for him to go. He’s selfish, thoughtless and hurtful. I wouldn’t put up with it.

I can understand why you feel jealous, but you don’t share a child, haven’t been left with his kids, so it’s he is entitled to go on trips without you.

What should change, however, is the proportion you pay towards bills if he outearns you. You should be paying in proportion to you take home pay.

Does he take his children away on holidays op?

@Jajagabour

Could you and your children book into somewhere like a Travelodge for a couple of nights?

Have you made a firm booking for the gas repairs to be done?