DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

Just because we have children doesn't mean we aren't still our own people. And everyone is different. Just because you wouldn't go away without your kids doesn't mean he is wrong to do it. Me and my DH go on holiday separately, together with kids and together without kids.

I understand wanting to pay your way but do you pay for things proportionally? Or is it 50:50?

I don't want to do everything together but the issue is affordability.

I haven't stopped him from going but I've tried to be honest with him about I've found it difficult.

Why, though? There's no benefit to it unless you're trying to make him feel guilty or want him to stay at home

I get the impression that you'd quite liked to be paid for, you just don't want to ask him.

I don’t think it’s fair that he shouldn’t be allowed to holiday with his family because you don’t earn enough to be honest. Unless it’s his fault you don’t earn as much.

I'm not sure what you want, though. You say he can't afford to pay for you, and you can't afford to pay for yourself - so what? He misses out?

I don’t think he should have to miss out on a holiday just because you can’t go. The main reason you can’t go is because you can’t get the time off work, right? If you COULD get the time off work and he offered to pay for you then great. But this isn’t about the money, it’s about you being unable to go because of work. I just think of his family are going, and he is free/available, he shouldn’t have to miss out just because you can’t go.
Yes it’s disappointing as you’d love to go, but you need to just accept it and let him enjoy himself.

I assume he is paying a share of fixing the CH? Either way, you were right to tell him about it

If he tries to tell you that knowing this makes him feel bad, then tough shit, he needs to grow up.

Separate holidays are fine, as long as you also get some nice breaks, but if the financial imbalance is making you unhappy, then maybe you need to weigh up what the relationship does bring you.

I don’t think you are a nob.

I think it's fair and square in this situation. sounds like you aren't married and he has the opportunity to have a holiday with his parents without impacting you negatively (such as dumping the DC on you).

I suppose you also holiday together?

re financial imbalance. I think you need to decide how much of a deal breaker it is. I don't think I would be happy in a relationship like that.

I didn't want him to miss out. Like i said he's done this many times before with his family. But this time it's been tough because house renovations have cost a fortune and left me in a difficult financial position.

To be honest I’d be jealous in such a situation as Hawaii does sound amazing especially now in this freezing weather but I’d just stay quiet about it. I do think it is hard for relationships to work with a such a disparity when your finances are quite separate.

I know its not the point but why fo you pay to renovate his house? He makes 3 times what you make and you are not married to him so why are you financing his lifestyle when he could end the relationship tomorrow and you would be homeless?

Why are you paying for all the house renovations?

Would your financial situation be better if he wasn’t on holiday? You clearly do want him to miss out

The house is 50/50 between us

Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

Tell him that you and your kids are cold without central heating so it’s really insensitive of him to keep sending you sunny beach pictures.

Why have you spent a fortune on the house? Has he spent more? Do you own the house 50/50?

Remember if you split you will only be entitled to your share of the house, nothing else, so don’t spend more than him!

Why didn't he offer to pay for you to go as well. ?

So you need to sort that out. Sounds like it should be closer to 70/30 if you earn less

Do you split the renovation costs 50/50?

Have you paid for all the house renos? Is it your house?
With those costs ending, will you have more flex in affording to take a holiday? Do you ever leave your kids with ex and take a break with your partner?

It says in the OP she couldn’t go because of work.

Ah, the poor wee lamb having his holiday to Hawaii ruined by OP. Shame on you.

As I see I didn't spot that.

I couldn't go because of work and didn't want to leave my DC in UK.