DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

He's a selfish twat. After 8 years together and with a joint house he shouldn't be leaving you to struggle financially whilst he fucks off to Hawaii.

That's really your issue and shouldn't prevent him from going. Edited because I meant to type shouldn't not should.

If she’s put in 50% then why should she own less than 50%? If she pays in 50% then she should get to own and keep 50%

You wouldn't go because your kids would be upset, you can't leave work, you don't have the funds and you are not looking after his kids.
You are jealous because its a place you wanted to go - fair enough but why begrudge him a chance to make some memories with his family?

@Jajagabour

What is the situation re the central heating at the moment, OP?

It's quite cold over most of the UK this weekend and it doesn't sound good if you are at home with your children in a freezing house at the moment.

Has a reputable company come out to identify the problem?

Maybe I'll ask him to invest more into bills and renovation costs then?

Personally I'd organise a holiday where we could all go and we did that last summer.

Given that DP is already away with your blessing, it is not nice for you to actively spoil his holiday.
Informing him of the broken CH is fair enough but telling him not to send pictures is childish.
In the future, think about how you really feel about the holidays with his parents before giving your blessing.
Taking more than one holiday alone with his folks per year seems weird and selfish to me. I would be hurt that he didn't prioritise affording holidays with you.

I think we're kind of talking at cross-purposes.

If she's put in 50/50 and legally owns 50% then of course that's her share. I was talking more about the fact that she clearly can't afford to pay 50% of the costs long-term so maybe they need to re-think how things work financially.

I think separate holidays are fine. I holiday without DP with my elderly parents in UK. DP goes off for a week with his books to de-stress and we have family holidays together with our DC. I dont mind at all. (DP is going off on a long cruise shortly on his own but I dont mind as I dont want to go anyway as wouldnt like to be on sea so long).

I think this is more about the money and you feeling he should be spending it on taking you away, which I can understand grates.

I think you are a bit sorry. I can see your point of view though.
Separate holidays is fine and he should be able to go away with his parents without feeling guilty.
But it does need balancing out with family holidays.
I also think by the time you've been together 8 years and live together you're a partnership and if one partner earns a lot more then it's only fair for them to contribute more towards holidays and meals out etc.

Are you not having a family holiday this year?

And yes absolutely ask him to contribute more if you are struggling!

Think it's fine, as long as you are not looking after his children whilst he is away and your name is on the house deeds.

CH needs power flush. Neighbours have kindly dropped a couple of portable radiators. Won't get sorted until next week.

Surely you can still do that though? It sounded like you went on holiday all together last year?

I find this really weird - not separate holidays as keeping your independence is great - but the fact he is jetting off and sunning himself what sounds like quite regularly yet you can't afford to go once and he doesn't seem to even register that you might be a tad resentful of this imbalance. I just can't imagine it - in my world, we cant afford for us all to go away, we wait and save until we can not one person fucks off and has a jolly good time whilst everyone else sits seething at home.

But then we pool our finances so there is no 'one earns more than the other' and personally I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with someone where this is such disparity.

He’s always gone on holidays with parents and siblings so perfectly fine to continue to do so, but not at the expense of holidays with you and your kids. Also not on of the spend level isn’t comparable. You and his kids should be his priority. If he’s off to Hawaii with parents and you are holidaying in a caravan then that is way off.

It’s not really cross purposes (although we do agree). I was asking someone a question and you ‘answered’ it and caused confusion. I was asking someone why they thought the split of house ownership should be 70/30 or if they meant something else.

The difficulty here is that you're not married, so in the event of a break-up, he's only ever going to get his 50% "back". Therefore there's not much incentive for him to pay more of the running costs.

I'm not sure I'd be very keen to pay (say) 70% of the costs in his shoes.

I'm inclined to agree with this actually. Doesn't sound like a partnership. They could have chosen to go somewhere that affordable for everyone. I'm sure if his siblings or himself couldn't afford it they would make alternative plans. I might also be more understanding if it was a one off big family trip but his family do lots of trips together it seems. If the children were yours together I'd doubt he'd be going off often leaving you behind so merrily as he'd know it's unfair. Just makes it seem like he doesn't view you as a family in the same way and a discussion is needed. And he absolutely should be aware and paying towards the heating repairs I hope. Going off without your family doesn't mean you are suddenly free and single!

When did the heating break? Could you not contact anyone to come and fix it sooner? We have had lots of issues with our boiler recently and they told us they will come out in an emergency and to give them a call if the boiler keeps playing up so they can send someone at the time of the issue.

It sounds like the '50/50' house is a stretch for you to accommodate him, tbh.

If he makes 3x your salary and has children to house on his time, wondering if you went 'bigger' and 'nicer' than you would have considered without him. ANd now expensive renovations? That you paid half of? Which leaves you skint and him swanning off on a long tropical holiday?

I think you have bigger issues in your 8 year relationship...

I think it’s fine that he’s gone, and also fine that you’re a bit fed up about it.

I agree with others that he should contribute more to the family funds though, since he earns more.

@Jajagabour

Could someone do it tomorrow? I wasn't sure what it was, but it seems to be something which takes a few hours to do.

Are you covered by British Gas or similar?

Fair enough.

To me it sounds like they bought a house that OP can't afford to pay 50% for (if it leaves her in financial difficulty). So it's one of those situations where the horse has already bolted - the house shouldn't have been bought 50/50 when they can't afford to split the costs that way long-term.

It sounds like he can afford to do both though so why should he miss out on the family holiday?

It also sounds like on this occasion it's not just money that is stopping the poster and more the issue of not leaving her child or taking time off work.

If he can still do holidays with them, then I don't think he should miss out. However I do think they need to look at finances and how he can support his partner better.