Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP gone on holiday

301 replies

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 12:42

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

OP posts:
StillweriseLH · 11/01/2025 13:31

So he’s gone on a holiday you can’t afford, can’t get time off work for and won’t leave your kids behind for.

and this is his fault somehow?

jealousy isn’t a good look, and it’s not a good feeling either.

budgiegirl · 11/01/2025 13:32

It all sounds a bit imbalanced, but also doesn't really sound unfair. It's a tricky one. As you are partners, unmarried, when you moved in together, did you agree that you'd each pay 50% towards bills/housing/renovations etc? Did you choose a house according to your budget, or his? It can be very difficult when you are living according to one partners much higher aspirations, but are expected to meet these with much less money.

On the face of it, if you are happy that it's fair that you each pay 50/50 towards costs this is naturally going to leave your partner with much more disposable income than you have. If you were married, I'd say this in unfair, but as you are not married, then it's more subjective. And he is then entitled to do whatever he wants with his leftover money.

I totally get that you feel put out that he's in Hawaii, while you are at home in the cold. But it's his money, and the fact that you wouldn't leave your kids at home doesn't mean that he can't leave his. Does he treat you to other things that you can't afford. Will he pay for weekends away/meals out/occasional treats?

It's very tricky when you earn so differently, and are unmarried. But if this is the way you have organised your finances, and you are both happy with it, then he hasn't really done anything wrong. But I can see why it stings a bit !

Drfosters · 11/01/2025 13:33

Honestly it is a bit weird to go on holiday on your own with your parents to a faraway destination. Maybe it works for other families but I’d think it was odd. A weekend away sure, my husband does trips with his dad and siblings which I think is lovely but they’d only go for a couple of days to do things like fishing and hiking. Certainly not somewhere like Hawaii. Honestly I don’t think we’d enjoy that sort of relaxing beach holiday without each other. I can totally understand why you would be miffed.

Needmilkandbread · 11/01/2025 13:33

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:30

Also I didn't say he couldn't go. I've trying to be as supportive as possible but obviously feeling a bit crap about it.

And I would most definitely have told him that he wasn’t going! Support him? Bloody hell. I feel quite enraged lol.

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:33

Yeah we've had holidays with all the DCs.

I'd understand a trip for a long weekend or week, but I wouldn't do 3 weeks on a long haul without everyone else.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 11/01/2025 13:33

Thelnebriati · 11/01/2025 13:31

If the hypothetical woman were the higher earner the replies would be the same.

Show quote history

I'm not sure they would be if the couple in question were unmarried and both had their own children from previous relationships.

Everyone would be saying he needs to support himself and pay his fair share.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 11/01/2025 13:33

I think after 8years together and living together, he is being quite selfish.

He gets to jet off on holidays because he earn so much more than you yet you pay 50/50 for everything, which leaves you short and he is happy to see you short and miss out.

He doesn't should like a loving partner.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 11/01/2025 13:33

@Jajagabour I wouldnt be sending him any nice messages! in fact, I wouldnt even be responding to his messages at all! have his siblings taken their partners along or have they all been suitably dumped for the duration???

Chroniclesofstress · 11/01/2025 13:35

This is not a fair relationship at all.

His constant holidays and solo travel would be a huge issue for me. When you’re in a LT committed relationship with a shared home then things like holidays should be prioritised for your actual family and children. Not fucking off to ‘make memories’ with your (clearly) well off parents. It’s like he’s a fucking child or something.

His children will grow up resenting him and wondering why he goes off gallivanting around the world whilst they don’t get a look in.

Also why are you paying 50% when you earn so much less - he’s massively taking the fucking piss out of you and affording himself long haul holidays off the back of your scrimping.

What a selfish cu**.

Bubblebuttress · 11/01/2025 13:35

You’ve said you insist on paying your way.

You aren’t married.

Both of these reasons are why you are in a cold house right now… heated blankets are a godsend.

Needmilkandbread · 11/01/2025 13:35

Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:33

Yeah we've had holidays with all the DCs.

I'd understand a trip for a long weekend or week, but I wouldn't do 3 weeks on a long haul without everyone else.

Three weeks!

He’s selfish. It’s not normal to watch someone you love struggle, not help them more and then complain when they are making you feel guilty, so much so you can’t enjoy HAWAII!!!!

The dynamics are all wrong.

WildFlowerBees · 11/01/2025 13:36

So essentially you're jealous that's he's gone on a holiday you couldn't afford.

He's gone with his parents and siblings it doesn't mean that you will never go, perhaps you can save together and go back.

It's not ok to try and guilt him for spending time with his folks, YABU and a bit of a knob.

Mischance · 11/01/2025 13:36

I am wondering if something more equitable needs to be sorted out over the finances as it sounds as though the fact that he can afford this and you would not be able to is a bone of contention - which is understandable.

You sound like a unit, with you caring for his DC some of the time and him there for yours. As such a unit you need to both be in a financial position to afford a good holiday - that is only fair.

Weefox · 11/01/2025 13:36

Rather than feeling miffed, give yourself some treats while he's away. A separate hol is understandable as he wants to be with his parents in their senior years.

These days partners don't always have to go away together. Being a little independent is a good thing.

karmakameleon · 11/01/2025 13:36

DH and I go on holidays without each other all the time but I still think his attitude is off. It sounds like he’s had so many holidays over the years compared to the OP so a significant imbalance. Perhaps rather than always going away with his parents or siblings he could have gone less with them and saved to go away with his partner and kids. And also what kind of “partner” wants to shut his ears to difficulties that his other half is going through at home? You’re having a tough time with the heating broken during a cold snap, and I’d expect him to at least provide a listening ear. Emotional support is a big part of what most people want and need in a relationship.

LIZS · 11/01/2025 13:36

So where are his dc while he is away? Are you doing childcare for them? Make sure you get your break and a family holiday, otherwise it is not much of a partnership.

Marblediamond · 11/01/2025 13:36

In your circumstances I would let him go and enjoy his holiday; unless you have to look after his children,

You should holiday alone too with friends and family; it doesn’t sound like you can afford a holiday for the whole family.

Hopefully you do things together too. But do the whole blended family will cost a fortune

Tia86 · 11/01/2025 13:37

Have you actually spoken about your concerns?

In your original post you say you want to pay your own way.

Does he feel like you are happy with the financial arrangement and doesn't want to make you feel inferior by paying for you for things?

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:37

I loved being on my own tbh. That's not the issue.

OP posts:
Purpleturtle46 · 11/01/2025 13:38

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think fair enough to go away for a weekend with family etc isn't too bad however I still don't think my husband would do this. I think you go as a long haul dream holiday as a family. I don't get all the he can afford it and I can't . My husband earns much more than me so we pay proportionately into the joint account so we can both afford the same luxuries.

user1492757084 · 11/01/2025 13:39

Are his kids on the holiday too?

karmakameleon · 11/01/2025 13:39

A three week holiday without you or his kids is ridiculous! I’d be pissed off with that and generally I don’t have an issue with DH holidaying without me.

Eviebeans · 11/01/2025 13:40

I would think that if he was feeling bad it was because he was feeling guilty as he felt that he had done the wrong thing

Original poster
Jajagabour · 11/01/2025 13:40

I'll be getting CH sorted. Obviously I've had to speak to him as it's gonna cost a lot.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 11/01/2025 13:40

user1492757084 · 11/01/2025 13:39

Are his kids on the holiday too?

She has said they have not, due to school.