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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

399 replies

andapenguinsir · 11/01/2025 02:16

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

OP posts:

Wildwalksinjanuary · 11/01/2025 07:41

Much of this is how we raise our children from the beginning . What exposure they have had to distant shores etc. If a child is taught the world is their oyster, and that anything is possible, they are more likely to go for that job in New York and stretch out of their comfort zone because they have been raised to feel confident about doing so,

If you have grown up in a small town, and the people close to you rarely travel or leave for pastures new and it’s expected that you work locally and stay there - then a child might not have the skills, knowledge or confidence to even consider what else is out there. They don’t even have anyone to ask. No role models to help guide them. I have seen this time and again. The children lead very similar lives to their parents. They are neither encouraged or educated to do anything else. It is often why we see a mid life crisis. There is a moment when they become aware this is all there is, and the opportunities that have passed them by. The window of travel and opportunity closes for lots of people as they take on more responsibilities like mortgages and children.

It is a class difference - an opportunity difference. Not sll children have access to oversea adventures, nor the funds to do it. Many will end up in minimum wage jobs, with very limited scope to explore the world.

JustStoppedByOnTheWayToTheShed · 11/01/2025 07:41

I had a perfectly idyllic upbringing in a wonderful family, and still emigrated (US to UK). My eldest (born and raised UK) moved back as soon as she could. I’m not offended!

Candlesandmatches · 11/01/2025 07:41

Your friend is really unkind to say that.
Im one of 4. We live in Europa and have done for over 12 years. My brother is in the USA with his wife and children.
2 other siblings in the uk.
I don’t see myself living in the same country as my two Dc. But we have a great relationship and are very close.
I find there’s an undercurrent in the UK of complaining about the issues with traffic, NHS etc etc but if you move abroad you must think you are ‘better’ or make loads of cash. Like tall poppy syndrome.
By moving abroad we are in a much better financial position, have amazing healthcare and the weather is better and live a much more outdoors life style. Don’t regret it at all and my parents and family when they come to visit have had some amazing holidays/experiences.

Pipsquiggle · 11/01/2025 07:42

My parents have always said - you bring your DC up so that they can thrive and fly and build their own life.

My brother, sister and I all lived abroad and worked in our 20s and a bit in our 30s. We all moved back although not to our home town.

That 'friend' was a real bitch.

AgnesX · 11/01/2025 07:43

Unless she's already got form for being snide it sounds like a jokey throw away remark.

You've taken it to heart as you miss them more than you care to admit.

PenguinLover24 · 11/01/2025 07:43

Or... You have done an incredible job raising them to be so independent and outgoing? Good for them living their lives the way they want!

TorroFerney · 11/01/2025 07:45

Hmm. I didn’t go to uni and live nearish to where I was born. This is because I had awful parents who were controlling and a mother who used me as a surrogate spouse and I didn’t wise up to this until recently. Maybe she was reassuring herself as you trigger some jealousy or inadequacies and she’s trying to regain some power? All in her mind of course.

SamPoodle123 · 11/01/2025 07:45

Sounds like you have a terrible friend! Geez. It is unlucky all your dc moved abroad and as long as they are happy plus still in contact with you, then that is the important thing.

It sucks not living near your parents.....but sometimes that cannot be helped...depending on job or the lifestyle you want or who you marry.

ShinyPebble32 · 11/01/2025 07:46

Oh wow, what a cruel and completely ridiculous thing for her to say!! I would say unequivocally that for your children all to have moved abroad shows what a GOOD parent you are.
For them to have done this, you have clearly given them opportunities, ambition and the most important gift of all - confidence.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t travel more/work abroad when I was younger - I just didn’t have the support or inspiration, I didn’t know about the big world out there and feel I wasted my 20’s to a certain extent. For your children, the world is quite literally their oyster😊
I hope this will be the case for my son. Of course I’ll miss him, but my wish is that he makes the most of his life.

pilates · 11/01/2025 07:47

Your DF sounds a bit narrow minded - best ignore!

Porkyporkchop · 11/01/2025 07:48

Don’t pay any attention to the stupid comment your friend made. Your kids are different to hers, your family set up is different, there is no comparison.
if she says that again just reply with “ actually they are all really successful, doing well and living their lives to the fullest - so I’ll judge my parenting on that I think!” Then chuckle, like she does when she tries to attack you.

dottiedodah · 11/01/2025 07:51

This is the 21st century! We live in a global village. We have relatives in US and NZ.there are many opportunities everywhere. Maybe it was just a throw away commet..her DC may do the same in the future. Yours may return .you have done well to have such independent kids

neverbeenskiing · 11/01/2025 07:52

And while they don't live with her, living nearby means she is too involved in their lives.

You don't know that.

OP's friend made a stupid, unkind comment. But all the responses insisting that because they've chosen to live close by her DC must be "codependent", "lacking in ambition" and have "small lives" are just as stupid and unkind.

Mummer123 · 11/01/2025 07:53

You’ve raised wonderfully independent children. My grandmother wasn’t a good mother and her children all live within 30 mins of her and the family is a colossal and perpetual f**k up. Co dependency wouldn’t cover it and they feel guilt to even go on holiday abroad never mind move! My aunt had wanted to move to New Zealand and my grandmother very toxically put her off so if anything, well done you x

BunnyLake · 11/01/2025 07:54

Dumbles · 11/01/2025 02:45

Tone is everything but I think that’s just a joke and best not to take it to heart.

This is what i would have taken it as. Of course it depends very much on what the friend’s personality and humour are like and the general tone of her texting. It’s something I could possibly have said jokingly and definitely not in a bitchy way.

Sherararara · 11/01/2025 07:55

It depends entirely on the tone it was said in and whether it was meant seriously or in a joking manner.

shellyleppard · 11/01/2025 07:55

You are the best parent....you have given your children the confidence to travel, have a career in another part of the world. You have given your children the confidence and wings to fly

Wildwalksinjanuary · 11/01/2025 07:56

Has anyone anywhere ever said I travelled and had too many adventures when I was younger??
i have never heard it if they have!

The biggest regrets seem to be the things we haven’t seen/done.

Your kids are not living for you op, they are living for themselves and that’s an enormous act of motherly love. No doubt you could have snuffed out their dreams and redirected them simply by not funding them, but you choose to put them first. And for that, and that alone I truly salute you as it was a sacrifice you made that would enhance their lives no end x

CanelliniBeans · 11/01/2025 07:56

As others have said you sound an amazing parent. Hats off to you.
I have had had similar comments (mine currently all live in the UK) because mine all left home by 22/3 and live with partners or independently of me and DH. Our friends still have one or two adult dc living at home.
I see it as a sign of raising independent adults who don’t need me as much but the comments can be cruel and your ‘friend’ should reflect on what she said

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 11/01/2025 07:57

Oh no don’t feel that way at all!!! You’ve clearly produced kids with a sense of adventure who want to go out and experience life fully - you should be so proud!!

If mine ended up down the road from me I’d be a little worried for them to be honest, I want them to have the rich life experiences I did before I settled into my boring little house 😂

neverbeenskiing · 11/01/2025 08:02

Oh wow, what a cruel and completely ridiculous thing for her to say!!

Agreed

I would say unequivocally that for your children all to have moved abroad shows what a GOOD parent you are.

This is equally ridiculous tbh. OP sounds lovely and may indeed be a good parent. But someone very close to me emigrated from Canada to the UK and he had a horrendous childhood as his parents were violent, neglectful alcoholics. One of my best friends has moved to Australia for work and her DM was lovely and did her best, but her DF was a terrible parent whose behaviour has left her quite traumatised. I don't agree with OP's friends comment at all and she was stupid and cruel to say it, but I also don't buy that your children all emigrating abroad means you MUST be a good parent. Life is a bit more complicated than that.

Phineyj · 11/01/2025 08:02

That's just life in a globalised economy isn't it? I'm a secondary school teacher and my LinkedIn is full of offers for China, Dubai, Thailand etc. I have no desire to work in those places (I'm in my 50s) but I'd have considered it if I were you kids' age.

Your life sounds rather cool. I expect your friend is jealous.

TiggyTomCat · 11/01/2025 08:05

You have given your children the grounding and confidence to be who they want to be and make the most of the world and their lives. Great job!
I wonder if your friend has (perhaps unwittingly) clipped her children's wings a little - that may of course be a little unfair and that is just how its fallen for them.

FenixWinda · 11/01/2025 08:05

She's tactless, ignorant or just nasty. Your kids have left the nest, happy & healthy and living their lives. Surely thats a great review of your parenting skills.

Whatsnmynameagain9 · 11/01/2025 08:06