Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

She didn’t say you were a bad parent and I doubt she thinks that. I think her comment was most likely meant as a joke (it’s a the sort of think many people have joked about, including some parents in your position). But then it made her think about her own kids and how glad she is her kids are close by - something it sounds like you would like if it happened too.

I think you are taking it hard because her talking about her kids being close made you feel sad yours weren’t, and that made you feel a bit vulnerable. So you overthought it. Her knowing she wouldn’t like it if her kids were far away isn’t the same as thinking anyone whose kids are far away is a bad parent. After all, a parent who can launch her children into the world the way you have is most likely a really good parent.

She’s wrong.

I loved my parents more than I can even express - we were the closest relationship I’ve ever seen among anyone I’ve met across my whole life.

I just had a wander bug and was drawn to a life overseas with someone I fell in love with.

In hindsight now in their older years I wish I had found my DH closer to home but it doesn’t reflect on what wonderful parents they are or how much I love them.

My MiL’s kids all moved away. The closest moved to a college an 8 hour drive away.

The other two moved a 9 hour flight away, then 16 hours flying time away, and 22 hours flying time away.
All three have moved around over the years.
MiL said she knows she did her job right when her kids wanted to spread their wings and get out into the big wide world

It was a thoughtless statement but it’s not as bad as your headline suggests. Your title says she said you’re a bad mother but what she did was blurt out “gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away” which is more like a bad joke than a malicious insult.

Unless she said more than you have shared I wouldn’t take it to heart and just chalk it up as something she said without thinking rather than she is a malicious person who thinks you’re a bad mother.

Posters calling her a bitch are also overreacting, unless she has been a bad friend to you I wouldn’t suddenly make her out to be such a horrible bitch based on this thoughtless statement.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
 And he said:
 Your children are not your children.
 They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
 They come through you but not from you,
 And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
 For they have their own thoughts.
 You may house their bodies but not their souls,
 For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
 You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
 For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
 You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
 The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
 Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
 For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.

She sounds judgemental

I’m making an assumption that your family is relatively well off compared to her, as many people that age can’t afford to live in London or go on holiday to those places…let alone move abroad. You have to have a relatively stable income and savings to uproot your life in your 20s and move abroad. Like loads of people in their 20s still live with their parents.

i can’t help but think she’s a bit jealous as your kids have opportunities that hers doesn’t.

What an arsehole! I live on the other side of the world to my parents, OP - I had a great childhood and an excellent relationship with them. I keep in touch, much easier these days, and really appreciate the visits both ways when they come.

I also worked out once that I actually don't get a hugely dissimilar amount of time with them than my sister who lives close by - I had them visit for a month last year, she sees them for dinner once a fortnight or so

As parents we all want different things for our kids. I want mine to be independent, curious and open minded.

2 of my kids live abroad. One is travelling the world for a year and one is working and living abroad. The third child is happy staying near their childhood home and will never leave.

They are all happy and content despite living such different lives. And as a mother that's all that I want.

Would I be disappointed if they all lived in the same village/town and rarely stepped out of their 'Shire? Absolutely! There's a whole world out there ... enjoy it.

However I'd never ever say anything to anyone. As for your friend i wouldn't take her opinions seriously, she has beige unadventurous kids and they are all seem happy with that. But remember happy people don't need to make nasty comments.

So I suspect your friend isn't as happy as she claims!

I think that was a terrible thing for your friend to say. You should be proud that you have been such a good parent that you've brought your children up with enquiring minds who want to experience life in different cultures and have helped them to develop the confidence and curiosity to feel able to do so. I've just got one child and she moved abroad about five years ago, although her and her husband moved in with us for a few months last year. I miss her very much and in many ways wish she lived close by, but I'm proud that I have helped her to become independent and that she has a love of travel and adventure.

OMG! That made me cry!

That's exactly the parent I wanted to be.

Is this a quote?

Whilst you are right that we are financially comfortable, we aren't bankrolling our kids. DD is getting a scholarship; my eldest saved up for his gap year through working while studying and then when he realised he wanted to settle was able to find work, initially he lived with his girlfriends family, our DS in Dubai got a relocation bonus. We have provided more financial support to DS3 but not an amount that this friend wouldn't be able to give to her children. She is equally well off, large estate, privately educated kids etc.

I think it was just a light-hearted jokey comment that somehow came out wrong, and you shouldn't read too much into it. If she's normally a nice person, then I would just let it go.

Sometime it's local / cultural differences too. I live in an extremely rural area and most of the families from the area live close by to each other. They have often been away to uni then come back and settle back here. So most people call to their parents regularly and are still surrounded by school friends! It's different for those who have moved in to the area of course.
Your children are stilll young and may settle closer to home again later on.

She is equally well off, large estate, privately educated kids etc.

So she's a bit peeved that some of her her kids aren't as adventurous as yours considering the social and financial advantages they have had.

This sounds like something my MIL would say, she is aghast that we dared to move 30 minutes away rather than staying in the village DH grew up. It’s not a healthy outlook at all.

I think you have done a wonderful job OP, it sounds like your children are thriving and how lucky are they to have you as such a supportive parent that they’re getting these opportunities. I wish my own parents had encouraged me to me more independent like that to see more of the world and experience life in a different country.

I know a family with three out of the four adult children living abroad and they’re a great family, all having the best time in their own lives but the love between them as a family is very apparent when they all meet back up.

Ah @ShrimpBoil found it - johann wolfgang von goethe

Some people have limited horizons.

Good parenting is putting yourself out of a job. If you've given your kids the internal security they need to go out and explore the world, you can feel satisfied that you did pretty well.

one of my dd lived abroad for a few years
the other dd is a wide traveller
a friend of my dm made some sort of comment and i sort of felt, are they getting away from me, but i put it to the back of my mind.

i have a friend whose children both live abroad
it is something to be proud of, that they show independence

You sound a lovely family. As others have said, it's brilliant that you've enabled them to spread their wings, but you've also given them the tools and the desire to maintain their relationship with you and each other even though they're far away. It's not like they've vanished over the horizon without a backward glance. They love you and one another, they've just gone to have their adventures. They know you're still here for them and they're all still part of the family.

Why doesn't your friend want her kids to explore this gigantic world? Why would their leaving her proximity mean that she'd done something wrong as a parent? It's fine to stay near your loved ones/childhood home (and these days not something everyone is able to do) but it's all a bit enmeshed to use it as a measure of how much love there is in the family.

OP you sound like a great mum and I hope you can be very proud of your children. Your "friend" sounds awful. Passive aggressive at best. What a thing to say!!

I moved very far away for a very long time, but it wasn't because of anything my parents did. I needed to get it out of my system. I suspect that when your DC are older and if/when they have children, you will see more of them and they may migrate back home (the "roots" part of "roots and wings"). That's what I did and I am very close to my parents now.

I think it would be entirely appropriate to say something to her. "I have been thinking about your comment the other day and I have to say I was a bit shocked by it. Did you mean for it to sound as rude as it did?"

I’m one of three children who all moved far away and I know my mum is really sad about it. She is and was a wonderful mother and encouraged us all to be independent. I know she envies friends and family members who have their adult children all close to them. But some of them I remember being such helicopter parents growing up. Micromanaging everything their kids did. I’m not saying they are all bad parents, I think all parents do their best, basically. But I want to tell you it’s a credit to you that your children have such inner resolve that they can forge their way on the other side of the world because it’s something most people couldn’t do.

Agree with this. Op might delete a bit sensitive to it and there’s nothing wrong with being close geographically

I used to be all up for everyone going but now I can see the benefits of either

We have some families who have remained close geographically and the opposite

Your friend is an idiot. You’ve raised confident and adventurous kids and THAT is the reflection on you.

I have three kids who have all said that they plan to live abroad at some point in the not too distant future
My dh and I are proud that we have raised three independent , open minded and lovely individuals who are confident enough to take such a step