Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

She was probably joking. Your kids sound as if they’re keen to stay in touch and all is fine.

My sibling and I both live on the other side of the planet to our mum. I struggle that I can't see her as much as I'd like but I believe she's the best of mums to have given us wings and to let us marry who we loved. She is lonely at times which makes me sad.

Compare to my neighbours who I find very selfish. Their son has a thriving career and would like to move to London which is a few hours by train but they wouldn't let him. I find it appealing not to sacrifice to let your kid thrive and see the world out there beyond your small town. Q

This

I was just about to say are you sure she wasn't joking OP? I can imagine lots of people saying something similar (but then I belong to a generation which actually has a sense of humour, something sadly lacking on MN).

It sounds like you’ve raised well rounded, hardworking independent kids. You’ve done your job bang on! Friend sounds a bit jealous.

Horrible woman.

I read it as just a joke. Your kids success sounds intimidating and she was probably just reassuring herself that she did a good job as a parent even though her kids aren’t as glamorous as yours.

They are living great lives, experiencing the world. I did the same in my 20s, travelled a lot. I then moved to London for 8 years. When I did come back in my 30s, I was a "boomerang child" with baggage ;-)
Yup I moved back in with her, while I again, sorted my life out.
They may be back in the nest, you will enjoy their company once again before saying, please leave lol.

A backhanded joke. She felt insecure / inadequate and said this ‘joke’ aka snide dig to make herself feel better. I moved to another country when I was younger but I love my parents to bits. My husband’s mother on the other hand is very suffocating and guilt tripping him because we are moving away (‘People will think you don’t love me’ - her exact words).

Friend is stupid.

That was a staggering unkind comment and sounds competitive to me. My children love me and can’t bear to move away kind of thing. I imagine she quietly compares. I’m not sure what her children are doing, but she consoles herself that at least they are nearby. I imagine there is more to this, as she was using the coffee as a way to feel better about her own life.

This person is not your friend, has never been your friend and you would do well to spend time with friends that actually care about your feelings, and aren’t into one oneupmanship. This will just get worse with future weddings, jobs and grandchildren.

You have raised healthy, confident and adventurous children making the best of their lives. They might well come home when they start to have families, if they do, but in the meantime they are having wonderful lives. Your job is done op. You have every right to feel very proud.

I wouldn’t see her again, she doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

What’s the joke though?
What could OP have replied to continue the witty tone?
Was it ever going to be funny, or was it just a nasty comment, with the you’ve-so-sense of-humour defense of being delivered jauntily.

Hopefully, she burns with embarrassment at the thought of what she has said.

Yeah tbf op you could be a shit parent but reality is no one has a right to judge

Jokes are supposed to be funny. Thst comment is not remotely funny at all. It’s actually a horrible thing to say.

She's jealous of your children's achievements. Try to ignore her comment.

Stupid comment but you are being silly for giving it any more thought.

You have raised confident young people who feel able to take on the world. I moved away and I'm extremely close with my parents (also have 1 sister back home, she would not be a confident type) I adore them and we are equals.

My husband and his sister never moved more than a 20 min drive from their parents and they have the most complicated, manipulated relationship with their parents. I talked to my husband about why he never moved away and he said its a guilt thing. So geographical distance is nothing to do with it.

@andapenguinsir , imo the best parents are those that let their children free

She's being silly. My husband and I moved to the USA, one of my sisters-in-law moved to Australia. My in-laws are lovely people and neither child moved away to get away from them.

Why the verbal abuse to the friend from people on here and the cheap shots? Most of you would never have the balls to say what you write.
Sounds as though she was joking but the joke landed a bit too close to home perhaps?

Hi OP, I’m sorry your friend made such a callous and stupid comment. My siblings and I have all moved abroad and I can tell you we absolutely love our parents and we had the most amazing childhood. We are still very close as a family despite the geographic distance - much closer than many families I know who live a short distance from each other and hardly spend any time together. And we have the added benefit of going on lovely holidays to see one another.

I'm sure that must have been a joke.

On the other hand my uncle emigrated to Canada in his 20s to escape his parents so it does happen.

I would most definitely call this out. Why do you think pp wouldn’t? Op was probably caught off guard. Nonetheless, being assertive with frenemies isn’t a new thing. It’s probably not worth the effort and op should just spend time with people that actually care about her.

Most people would tell someone irl to fuck off and call her a bitch? I doubt it!

I grew up in Australia and my parents are still there. I currently live in the UK with my husband and young kids. My parents are incredible, I didn’t move away because of them. In fact I miss them dearly. I moved because I wanted the adventure, I stayed because of the husband. Your friend is judgemental and mean, please don’t think this is a you problem

That’s a friend? Find an alternative friend.