Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

@saraclara I think you sound like you have a great balance. I totally understand that our family misses us, but making me feel guilty about it isn't good for our relationship either 😔

I live abroad and plan to forever
Nothing to do with my parents, they are why I nearly stayed!
I'm independent and I dislike the UK.
Don't feel bad!

Unkind comment, you have ovbs done a great job .
roots and wings 👍

I've got several friends and a couple of relatives with adult children who may or have never left home at all or returned home in middle age so count yourself lucky they're living their lives to the full! One of my kids lives abroad and I am thrilled for them. The other has travelled and lived abroad too. I consider that a success but that's not to say parents whose children are still at home are not successful, there are many many factors at play here, mostly around neurodivergence.

@andapenguinsir

She's not a friend

But she is a tactless cow

You are not the bad parent they've got good jobs living their life there way you would be the bad parent if you stopped them going. At least there working not doing drugs or alcohol not criminals, their going places. If any of mine said there moving abroad id be upset but its their life their Adults as long as their happy that's the main thing. One of mine live 10 minutes away i see them them when their not working. They ring 1 or twice a week

In many cultures, especially in developing countries, parents are seen as a success when their children leave to live abroad and achieve a better life in a richer country. To do better their parents and enjoy a richer lifestyle (socially, financially, professionally)

It’s a shame the UK is increasingly one of them though!

They're seen as a success in those cultures because they're expected to send money home to support their parents (and do). That's not the case here.

Not necessarily, @saraclara - many parents feel proud and a sense of a job well done just to see their children doing better than they did, in a country with more opportunities. Many wealthy families in middle income countries for example. I know some personally! Certainly don’t need money sending back home. Just proud to have successful happy kids living overseas in rich(er) countries

I wonder if for her, 1.5 hours away is a long distance and she was voicing what she thinks about her own situation. I know my parents thought 2 hours away was a long way when I was in my 20s and in my case I had moved away to get away. However, your kids and your relationship with them seems health and balanced

My son is in Melbourne and is so happy.I absolutely hate him being so far away and miss him desperately.Today he called me to say he has got a new job ,he is running out of money and was worried he would have to come home.
Despite how much I miss him, I cheered with happiness for him because he can now stay out in Oz where he is truly happy.
Hopefully he will come home in Summer for a couple of weeks…shall pay his airfare.
If not I will be on a plane about this time next year
OP I really do think your friend was just joking and didn’t realise how sensitive you are ! I certainly haven’t taken my son’s choice to be in Oz as a result of his upbringing! In fact I always raved to my children about Sydney because I had an absolute ball living there!

IMHO the job of a parent is to raise adults. It sounds like you have “super-exceeded” with four confident, independent and capable ones. Congratulations 🥳

That's a really cruel comment to make by your 'friend'.

My children are also living and working abroad. We have a similar set up of visits and contact. I am immensely proud of them. They are amazing people who have a truly world view. No doubt it will be more complicated if they settle and have children abroad. It’s not something I brag about, but obviously I’m going to tell them if they ask. But I would guess your ‘friend’ may be a bit jealous.

Doesn't sound like much of a friend to be honest. If it was me, I'd distance myself from them.

Your job as a parent is to provide roots & wings & sounds like you've done exactly that.

My parents are in the same boat, as me & all siblings live in different countries. It's hard on them but like you, they're happy for us all & embrace technology to keep in touch & FaceTime grandkids. Visits & holidays are more special as we really appreciate the time we have with them.

I've got another family member who's surrounded by her kids. One literally lives next door. I'd go as far as to say, they've never been given wings. One has kids & is incapable of being in the house in her own if her partner is away for business overnight & lugs all her kids & dog to mummy (yes still calls her this in her late 30's)

I know which I'd rather have

Jealous that her children don’t live on the other side of the world? That’s a strange thing to be jealous about.

@BunnyLake someone could be jealous that they're so independent and ambitious, if theirs are still coming around needing their washing down and sponging off them financially

I'd say that's highly unlikely. There are few parents who actively want their children to live on the other side of the world. And certainly not so much that they'd actually be jealous of someone whose kids do.

@saraclara I gave those examples because I know people in that situation- gutted that in their 70s they're raising their grandchildren and cooking for their kids 4 times a week, paying for their food shops etc!

I think there’s a middle ground to be had here…

I bet a bit of maths would prove to you that you actually spend more time with yours than she does with hers. Have you wondered if she isn't a bit jealous ?

What a thoughtless and cruel comment! It sounds like you’ve got a really lovely close relationship with your kids. And that you did a brilliant job of raising ambitious, confident children who are off exploring the world, thanks to the secure and loving family background they have ❤️ your friend was being an arse!

It's really not the same though, is it?

My in-laws never said anything about us living further away from them than I'm sure they'd have wanted. But I do remember one day, my FIL saying "I wish I was able to just pop in for a cup of tea". I kind of understood at the time (and he wasn't remotely trying to guilt us) but as I'm now a grandparent whose children and grandchildren DO live closer enough to call round for an hour, I realise what he was missing.

Yes, we stayed with them, or them with us, for good amounts of time every so often. But it's not the same as catching up once a week, or me being able to pick the grandkids up from nursery or school etc... all the little day to day things that give us pleasure.

You have done a great job as a parent! Your children feel secure enough to fly the nest. Plus you get to see the world!