Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

It is a class difference - an opportunity difference. Not sll children have access to oversea adventures, nor the funds to do it.

For them to have done this, you have clearly given them opportunities, ambition and the most important gift of all - confidence.

While I agree that op's friend was very cruel with her remarks, some of the comments about it meaning her children must be of a higher class or somehow more independent and travelled than most is... odd. Though I understand the desire to reassure the op, all of someone's children living permanently abroad is not necessarily usual, or a case of them surely being the best raised children of all.

Emigrating is far from the norm in most social circles. We have family and friends spanning classes, and the only dc to have permanently moved away are two of the working class dc. They moved away for better opportunities and social mobility (Australia seems a popular choice).

The middle class dc have typically travelled around the UK for work in their 20's, but then settle somewhere around grandparents to have dc (one said they couldn't have the career they have without their mothers help with childcare, the hours of their profession wouldn't have been suitable for a childminder).

The most privileged family I know of, old money types, have never been far away at all. Despite being the most travelled, for generations they have all lived in the same area.

I’m in my 50’s and from another perspective, I stayed very close to home. I always felt responsible for my parents from a young age.
I did turn down some amazing opportunities in my younger years, but always felt I was the glue that kept my parents together.
Both of them are gone now. I don’t regret my decisions, but I do know that I really missed out in many ways. All of my friends moved away, they are all over the world now. They all had great parents who encouraged them to do so.
I think your ‘friend’ has no concept of how you live or how independent your children are. She is, at best, short on manners.
You could ask the same question in reverse - what did you do to make your children too scared to leave?

It is a little sad for you, but many would say you’ve done well by your kids raising them to be capable and canny enough to be able to secure work, opportunities, access to a functioning health system etc in prosperous economies, rather than in the UK, where the outlook is increasingly bleak.

Your friend sounds horrid. We raise our kids to be independent and it's a testament to how we raise them that they have that confidence and independence to go out into the wide world and live. It sounds like you've done a great job OP and your friend is just nasty.

Husband and I both think it's a poorly thought out joke. Sorry it caused understandable pain. You've clearly raised children who feel safe enough to adventure x

Firstly, your friend sounds cruel. Distance yourself from her.

But I see it the opposite as her. You’ve created 4 independent and confident children who have the ability to travel and adapt and work/live anywhere. Well done! And you get lots of amazing holidays to visit them all!

It's kind of true for me and my siblings. We didn't have good parents and none of us live near them. I think I'd have stayed close if they'd been better parents.

A nasty comment from your so called friend. Small minds, small lives. I've got my youngest in Sydney right now, looking forward to seeing her next month!

Well i’d say the opposite is true, great parenting for them to have the confidence to spread their wings. I want more for my kids than for them to live in their home town forever, it’s a big world out there

Also to add. I had a very close relationship with my mum. I travelled and worked abroad for 15 years. We both visited each other lots. I am so grateful that she was happy to support me to travel. (I don’t mean financially!).

As a parent your responsibility is to make your children independent, confident, inquisitive with a good educational background which sets them up for life. You have done very well in that your children have been able to go to other countries and make a life for themselves. With technology you are able to still stay close to them with the whatsapp group etc. Don’t take her comments to heart, she is probably bitter her kids didn’t achieve much or have similar opportunities. I live in another continent to my parents but love them to bits! I would hate for my parents to think otherwise. I will always be grateful for the opportunities they gave me in my childhood which has set me up for life.

Small minded and ignorant friend. Your kids are living the lives they want and you are a caring mother to support that, as hard as that is.

It was said with a slight jokey tone but the follow up description of how close by all her kids are and how they all have dinner together all the time etc. made me think it wasn't really a joke.
I think people automatically start talking about their own situations so it probably was just a joke but a horrendously placed one given she didn’t go on to remind you that uou are a great one x op you’re amazing and strong and have given your kids the gift of comfort and breathing space and a different lifestyle. I do hope you get the chance to have fun and get travelling to see them yourself though x if you keep in touch with her I’d tell her you couldn’t stop thinking about what she said, hopefully she’ll apologise

Usually when someone says something ‘jokey’ but barbed in this way it’s because of some insecurity of their own. Also people can be weirdly competitive, especially about their kids, and sometimes you don’t even realise they are trying to compete with you. If she has form for this I would distance myself, but if not I would either let it go or raise it with her, depending on the relationship and how hurt I felt.

I agree about the competitiveness - I had a friend who thought it was a badge of honour that her kid had to be peeled off her every day at school and pitied me that my kids skipped into class without a backward glance - she felt we didn’t have a very strong bond 😂😂. Parents are crazy 😄

I would have thought it was an off the cuff jokey comment that didn't hit tbe mark. She then started digging her self into a hole with her follow up comments.

She probably isn't judging you, but if she is so what? You don't need to know what she thinks, it doesn't affect you. You have done a great job with your kids.

Not fair at all, ignore her. As parents we bring them up then let them fly, that shows we have brought up successful confident dc! Neither of mine are near me, one is overseas (married person from overseas, met online) and the other is currently under the sea, couldn't be more proud even though it means being aware for months at a time.

the follow up description of how close by all her kids are and how they all have dinner together all the time etc. made me think it wasn't really a joke.

No, the follow up was perfectly normal conversation. You talked about your family and how it works, she talked about her family and how they work. Standard reciprocal conversation.

You're reading way too much into a jokey comment and her responding with her own family situation.

@RobinHood19 how old are you though?

That sounds like a joke, albeit an ill-judged one. I think you’re just feeling a bit sensitive because you miss them - because you’re a good Mum who has raised capable, independent children - as you’re supposed to do.

The comment was at best insensitive and at worst horribly bitchy. I think you should focus on the positive that you have raised confident and independent children and that is a great thing. It's possible (but personal preference) to want to explore the world in this day and age and people can use this opportunity, or not, as they see fit. We only have one life and making the most of it means different things to different people.

Having said this I really resent some of the comments on this thread (not you OP), which are just as bad the other way.
I hate the Mumsnet thing of judging people who live at home as young adults...as long as they are saving it is financially savvy to do so IMO. And the people who move away from home and then moan about having no childcare. Life is a series of multifaceted decisions...there isn't a right or wrong way.

ETA I also resent the suggestion that this is a class thing as if people who move abroad are somehow better than everyone else!

Usually when someone says something ‘jokey’ but barbed in this way it’s because of some insecurity of their own.

Is it, bollocks. This is just an extension of the playground 'she's just jealous' comments.
Why can't a woman possibly be happy having her family around?

I suspect that there are more mothers envious of those who have their kids and grandkids within an hour or so, than those envious of those with children who've emigrated.

How silly of your friend

your kids have learned to fly! Be proud if anything

I say this as one of two siblings who both moved abroad in our 20s

my parents gave us the emotional stability and the knowledge we could always come back home if we needed to, to be able to do this.

it’s been wonderful our parents never guilt tripped us or anything.

living across different countries has been a great experience, AND I’ve had a good relationship with my parents throughout my/their life

don’t let other people’s insecurities affect you. You have done amazing which is evidenced by how your kids have blossomed IMO

Thank you all.

I think it was probably a joke but with some truth on her feelings hidden in it.

While I'd love for them to come back home I think for DS1 and DD it's very unlikely. DS1 loves Australia and has said many times that he can't imagine leaving as his lifestyle is so much better. DD has said she probably won't live in LA or even the USA forever but has Australia/The Gold Coast on her mind (obviously she is only 20 and this could change). She loves tennis (on a scholarship for it) and surfing and has said she just can't imagine living somewhere that has British weather again. DS2 is a maybe, though he works for a large international company and has spoken about how he will apply for any New York or Singapore vacancies.
DS3 is definitely the most likely to come home I think, but mainly as he has friends etc. in London and so far as much as he loves Toronto wouldn't quite call it home but that could change.

Maybe it will get to a point where they are all in Australia (or Singapore) and we can just do one trip to seem them all!!

If she's ordinarily a lovely person it was pregnant a joke that didn't land, but it does sound very mean in isolation.

Some people do move away to escape their families. Far more move for more positive reasons.

The active family group chat is all the evidence you need that moving away from you wasn't one of their goals. If it was, keeping in touch with you would be a burden, and the active group chat would be the sibling one without you.