Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

I think the key here is your DC's grew up in London, it gives them a different mindset and outlook on life to someone who grew up in a small close knit community. They are more aware and accepting of different cultures as they grow up with that it comes natural to them and I think it makes them more adventurous.
I'm not criticising those who grow up in smaller communities but I think where you grow up and spend your formative years affects your outlook.
The OP's children feel that their community is a global one whereas her friend's children have a community that is much smaller and closer.

If was meant to be a joke? As in funny? The friend needs to try harder.

I find some of the comments amusing, so if siblings don't move they have no ambition 🤔... incorrect we are all different and as long as you do something with your life wether stay near or far and your happy then the parent has done a great job either way. Me and my 4 siblings we all have our own businesses, we all are married have our own houses and have our own families, we all live in the same town as do aunt's,uncles,cousins, parents, grandparents etc. The parents and grandparents are the hubs we all pop in and out with the kids after work, share teas,lunches etc and do things at the weekends. Just because several generations are all within 10mins drive max does not mean we didn't have ambition. We just happen to love our close family dynamic and everyone's is different.

I think she meant it as a joke but it was really her insecurity showing. As Freud (possibly) said: 'theres no such thing as a joke'

I think it was a joke that didn't land right. I've heard that response a few times so I think it's standard and nothing more.

Whilst it's sad you don't see them as much I think it means you've done a good job that they're brave and out there exploring the world. I left home at 18 and rarely go back. Ive only stayed over a handful of times and not for well over a decade. I know my mum misses it and wants to go on holiday together etc.

A lot of my friends or the kids of my mums friends are constantly seeing their mums, live in the same town and they rely on them for childcare. My mum wishes we could be like that but realises that these people really haven't achieved much more than having the kids and are leaching everything from their mums still.

If an older sibling emigrates definitely think it prompts the subsequent siblings to as well.

Am sure there are a minority of cases where people emigrate to escape difficult families but the vast majority I know it’s because they are confident successful see the world types who are very fond of their parents. Humans have always wanted to push on and explore its innate.

Be proud of your parenting OP

This is sooooo none of her business, literally tell her to mind her own business. My ex SIL (French) always brought her children up to love France and UK equally. She never let go of her property over there when her parents died, she is UK-based and is working now as the children are adults, but her children are undecided as to where they will end up living, one is in Singapore (research), one is Kazakhstan (work). She is very lonely and at the same time extatically happy at Christmas - she says 'they are like real people now, like real human beings'. First I thought it was funny to say 'like real people', but now I think I know what she means. You are a great parent, I think. Your friend is jealous.

Agreed.

Like you OP our DC’s have both emigrated, one to Australia the other to a European capital. Both have successful careers. We also have family WhatsApp and the occasional teams meetup. We are planning on all spending next Christmas in Vietnam which will be the first time we’ve all been in the same place together for nearly three years. I could not be more proud of our young adults, their drive, their enthusiasm, their willingness to put themselves in new situations and different cultures and thrive. I’m sure you also are very happy for your children.

That said I do not know if either of them will ever move back ‘home’ which of course I would dearly love but equally I just want them to thrive. What you friend said was possibly a not very funny joke that hit a nerve with you or she’s just not a very kind person; only you can be the judge of that. I have sometimes said similar to friends “where did we go wrong with our parenting that our kids want to be far away?”

As long as all your family are happy and connected life is great OP.

I'd imagine she is jealous, your kids have such amazing lives. Someone said very similar to my DM once as my sibling and I both moved a significant distance from home. The lady who said it had 3 kids, all within 15 minutes away from her but they were always falling out/not speaking etc. Be proud of your children and tell her so!

Yanbu to be hurt and it's relatively unlikely that your children's spirit of adventure and confidence is due to a desire to flee from you.

I haven't read all the replies but I expect I'm not the first to quote the saying that amoung our jobs as parents we are to "give them roots and give them wings". You have certainly given your children wings and if they feel safe to go off and explore the world confident that there will always be a loving and welcome reception for them when they want to.come home then yoi have also given them roots. If they are happy, thriving and functional adults and none of them is a drug adict, criminal or CF parasite then I think you've done a good job of parenting. 20-ish year-olds should not feel any obligation to stay close by to their parents when there are worlds out there to (metaphorically) conquer.

This was insensitive communication by her if her intention was not to upset you.

You hadn’t seen her for years, so maybe decide it this friendship is worth a further conversation where you can discuss it or not.

Um, you sound like a bloody phenomenal mum, creating and nurturing four wonderfully independent kids. Kudos.

I live two streets from my mum and that works for us as we moved a lot when I was a kid so we both just seek comfort and stability even if it is a bit boring. It works for us and your kids clearly love you enough that they know you'll always be there for them, however far away you are geographically. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your kids.

I suspect your friend’s words were dictated by some envy. I was feeling very proud of you (and slightly jealous myself) reading your post, and caught myself thinking - that’s how I want my family to be like, what an amazing family! :-) Generally, it gives me a weird feeling when people say “oh you’ve done xyz, we’ve done the opposite, look how great the opposite has been, oh we’re feeling so great!” As I feel - if you’re my friend, you would say - you’ve done xyz, great, how does xyz feel to you etc etc. You can say after that - I have to confess, I’m not too sure about xyz myself, I’m drawn more to zyx. It is probably part envy, part insecurity.

If they'd all moved away and never contacted you then she might have a point but it sounds like you all chat and are close.

Id argue that you raised them well. Good educations, independent, confident enough to fly the nest and go out in the world and still close enough to have a busy group chat and to come home when they are able.

Not only that but you didn't try to guilt trip them into staying close by like many parents do.

My parents are great parents and at some point me and all of my siblings have lived abroad for extended periods of time. They trusted us to do just fine navigating this and we did. No need for daily calls or anything like that. Plus genetics means if you have one more adventurous child, there is a higher chance of the others being too.

You have to have a relatively stable income and savings to uproot your life in your 20s and move abroad.

@MJconfessions wrong. All my international moves in my late teens / 20s were done because I was looking for a stable income. I moved countries several times with barely a few pounds to my name.

Went abroad for uni and could only afford it due to a sizeable scholarship that covered my accommodation, and I immediately had to start working to cover food, transport costs etc. Luckily was only a £50 Ryanair flight away at Christmas, which my parents would sometimes help with.

Moved in my early 20s for an internship in a different country while completely broke - I actually had to borrow £1k off a relative for deposit and first month of rent, and pay it back with my first pay check (which wasn’t that high, with it being an internship).

Again moved internationally a few years later - this time for a job but after being self-employed in an unstable, low-paid industry. I had a very small amount of savings with which I managed to pay for the move itself, thankfully.

I can go on. All my siblings including myself have lived abroad from a young age / are abroad currently, because our parents instilled in us a sense of independence and ambition to go and explore the world and better ourselves. This comes with sacrifice and financial limitations - they have never sponsored our moves abroad, and being economic migrants themselves, have taught us plenty about how one needs to survive on his/her own two feet and learn to make an honest living wherever they go, without depending on the help of others.

My mum was a great mum and that’s definitely not why we all moved abroad as teenagers. It was because they taught us from an early age that we can get an even better education and career than they had, if we push ourselves and don’t put a limit on what / where we can achieve things.

You could just as easily joke, 'What did you do wrong to make your kids so co-dependant?'

I agree with some people above . It sounds like an off the cuff attempt at humour/ teasing.
I think you're overthinking this unless there was a serious or bitchy tone .

It was clearly a joke. And I think it's ridiculous that people are saying that it was borne of envy. 'She's just jealous' is playground talk.

We all hope for different things and we all have different family styles. With any luck, we and our kids are in sync.

I'd have loved to work abroad, and would have encouraged mine had they wanted to. But I do enjoy them being near enough for me to see them most weeks, and for me to see plenty of my grandkids.

They'll be back, but for now they're enjoying life abroad. Your friend is obviously jealous.

I doubt my four will be interested in living abroad but if they do I won't discourage it.

Exactly the opposite. You e been a great parent to raise all your kids to be confident and independent.

You have taught your kids to be independent and fly off in to the world and explore. They will have amazing opportunities and see/experience things your friend's kids may not.

The down side of that is you are not in their lives day to day and if they have children you may not be as close as you could have been if they live close by.

But it sounds like you stil maintain a close relationship with them all.

I suspect your friend may feel her kids seem lacking to yours as they have stayed close to home.

I'd ignore your friend and focus I the positives of your relationship with your kids

Stupid comment. Your children have obviously clocked onto the fact that the UK is in long term economic decline as part of the natural historic and economic cycle in which the West has been in decline since mid twentieth century whilst the East rises.

Which means you clearly secured an excellent education for your children and taught them to observe conditions around them, draw conclusions, and have the drive and get-up-and-go to make their fortunes elsewhere.

Which means you're a truly outstanding parent. Well done! Wishing you and your fam all the best.