Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

that was a cruel thing for her to say. I would be sad if all my kids moved away but actually you have to be proud that you created such independent kids!

I think you’ve done an incredible job to make them all so independent and despite the distance they make an effort to be in touch constantly , they must be close knit .
Take a bow 🙌

There are families who won’t speak though they live in the same village ( house ? !) .

Personally I’m envious of all the places you get to go on holiday .

Ignore her comment, she’s thoughtless

Nope, it sounds like you did all the RIGHT things to raise such independent and confident children. I moved abroad for many years and did eventually come home to raise my children but moving abroad was the best thing for me. I would see my mum once or twice per year, but we remained close and are still close. Just ignore your friend and her unfunny joke.

I have one DD near me and one living working on a different continent. I wonder which one I did what to….. but they both have their own lives which they are living as they each choose. I hope I helped them have the tools to make informed choices that work for each of them. I miss the abroad one, but she is, as it seems yours are, following her dream. Should I stop her? Your friend’s comment seems to me to say more about your friend and her parenting and her fears than it says about you.

She’s a bitch … you have raised your kids right they have a secure safe relationship with you and they are confident individuals who are living their life… she sounds boring and claustrophobic

Exactly this.

After reading this:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/jan/11/hotel-of-mum-and-dad-in-uk-at-its-fullest-in-two-decades-study-finds

I hope my DD ends up like your kids not hers.

And while they don't live with her, living nearby means she is too involved in their lives.

How ridiculous??
you raised a bunch of kids who have the innate confidence to believe they can build a life ANYWHERE they choose! and they are all following their dreams!!

sounds like success to me - ignore her, she sounds like a drain

What did she do that means her kids have no ambition and are still living close by. You’ve raised four amazing kids. Tell her to fuck off.

No, I think that it actually suggests that you are a very good parent and your children are very successful. Those moves suggest that they excel enough to go places that, frankly, are more competitive and lucrative than the UK.

What a cruel thing to say. You've seemingly raised independent, strong children. They're living their lives but are still close to you. Parenting win.

She's not a nice person.

I live in the UK and my parents live in Australia. I am 51 and left 26 years ago. I left for work. I worked abroad for a number of years, met my DH and moved to the UKm as his parents were getting old.

I have great parents. They have always encouraged me to follow my path. They have done what every functioning parent should do- let their children spread their wings.

Your 'friend' clearly is narrow minded. Sadly so, that she cannot see that people have lives and ambitions and see the world as a world of opportunities. You have clearly raised interesting, ambitious successful and confident children. To my mind that means you have been not only a good parent but an exceptional one.

Roots and wings is what you gave them OP, the most valuable thing any parent can give a child.

Tone is everything but I think that’s just a joke and best not to take it to heart.

What a cow!
Agree with PP, sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job!

I wonder if, if it wasn’t indeed just a joke, that she’s trying to reassure herself that it must be because of something you did wrong, and that means her children couldn’t possibly make the same decision.

Or maybe she’s the type that can’t comprehend that others can make completely different choices to her without something being wrong. If so then she’s just demonstrating her own lack of imagination.

I would say totally the opposite ( and have done to a friend in the same situation) you must be so proud of them for doing so well and having the confidence and intelligence to go and live so far away in a beautiful place, and that being the parents they are is why they are such lovely individuals and a credit to them. That woman you call a friend is small minded and jealous. Unless she was saying it in a jokey way?

Was she serious? Because without knowing the tone it just reads as a joke to me.

Thank you all.

It was said with a slight jokey tone but the follow up description of how close by all her kids are and how they all have dinner together all the time etc. made me think it wasn't really a joke.

We raised our kids quite differently, my kids definitely had more independence from a younger age but I think this was because we live in London and she was in a rural village with no public transport. My kids started getting the tube alone at 10/11 for hobbies and school. 2 of my kids did foreign camps in holidays (the others didn't want to so didn't or did things closer to home instead). DD was always our little adventurer, she did every trip school offered, went on holidays with friends, did ski camp and tennis camp (and a surf camp at one point as she just loves being active, outside and enjoying the world). DS1 took the longest to find his wings per se but once he had them he was off and I couldn't be prouder. He lived at home for uni then went to Aus and hasn't looked back.

I think she probably judges that we aren't a super tight family unit and really never have been as our kids have always been so inquisitive. Don't get me wrong we have had plenty a family game night and movie night and even now sometimes someone will suggest a movie in the group chat and everyone will watch when they can and then we all discuss it.

I think I overthought as no one has said that to me before.

Surely they were joking? My children live abroad too. I'm glad that they felt equipped to emigrate. That means you've gone s great job!
I think you're feeling a bit oversensitive as you're missing them.

They keep coming back to visit, Op.
The kids must appreciate you a lot.
How remarkable that you have raised such confident children.
Well done you and well done them.

Consider the fabulous central meeting places, if you want to get them all together for your 90th birthday ..
Brazil
The Maldives
Hawai
Vietnam

In our 20s my sister lived in Malaysia and I lived in France (so not that far!). Since our thirties we've both lived ten mins from our parents. So it might not be forever.

Surely it was just a turn of phrase, she didn't literally think you have done anything wrong? It was silly, thoughtless, rude, and hurtful to you because you are feeling sensitive about the kids being away. But try not to take it to heart.

I had a couple of opportunities to go overseas during my studying/work. Both my parents guilt-tripped me and piled on emotional pressure to persuade me not to go. Telling me that proper families who love each other stay together. At the time I was under their influence and gave up the offers. But now, years later, I'm bitterly resentful that my parents clipped my wings.

I wish I'd had parents more like you! You've raised capable children and given them the freedom and confidence to follow their own path. Much better that they come back to you willingly and with enthusiasm once a year, than live up the road seething with resentment.

I think you're just taking it personally because you miss your children, which is something she doesn't have to experience. Her children are geographically close to her. That's just a fact. It doesn't mean she is judging you or calling you a bad mother. Why would you think that? You know you're not.