Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

Your comprehension skills are extremely poor. Read my post again and see what I actually said.

This.

To me it is evidence of great parenting. They feel free. You did a great job. Too often kids feel they cannot explore the world or follow their dreams because of their parents.

You’re a great mum! They’ve all survived and got the guts to go into the big wide world, work at careers they love, follow their heart, etc, etc! That’s awesome!
Personally, as someone who’s lives approx 1 hour 20 mins from my mum it says a lot more to me that her 3 DCs are just out of reach - how 2 of my mother’s 3 children have chosen to be to ensure she is just far enough away to keep at arms length… 😅

I've genuinely never heard a grown woman in real life come out with the "she's just jealous" rubbish

Nonsense, I can assure you I have encountered many many jealous women in my life

Again. I didn't say that there aren't any jealous women.

What I said is that I don't hear adult women interpreting a mutual friend or acquaintances perceived slight with a knee jerk "she's just jealous"

No, because it’s usually not voiced, but plenty think it

An awful lot of nastiness / vindictive behaviour from women stems from jealousy

People can live close to where they grew up for all sorts of reasons, a close family, strong friendships, a good job, a nice house etc. If they want adventure maybe they make sure they go on long haul holidays and go to interesting places. Maybe they holiday in China or Japan or the Galapagos and then come home to the area they've lived in all their lives.

You are a great mum for raising 4 kids who are independent and making the most of life. Your friends comment is really thoughtless, of course it would upset you because you miss them. I wanted to work abroad but didn't for a number of reasons of which one was my parents. Your children are lucky to have a supportive mother like you.

I'm an avid solo independent backpacker to 'difficult' countries. When I was younger, I was stupid enough to think that it somehow made me better than people who holiday in Great Yarmouth or the Costa del Sol.
It doesn't. We're all just doing what makes us happy, which is what holidays are for.
Same applies to where you choose to live or work.

As an extreme introvert, traveling around the world and interacting with complete strangers is my worst nightmare. I'm happy for people who enjoy that kind of thing, but in no way am I jealous that I didn't do it. I never wanted to do it. I don't have a "limited" life because of it. It is incredible that so many people here can't understand that. That the only explanation they can come up with is the friend must be jealous. A good life is having choices. Choosing to emigrate doesn't mean you're doing life better than people who choose not to emigrate.

I’m Spanish, I moved to the UK as a single woman when I was 25. My DH is Spanish, moved to the UK as a single man when he was 25. We met here. We both love our parents to bits, se them every time we can, and are very proud of how they educated us. We maybe would not think the same of them if they would have made a big deal of our decision to move abroad - which in my opinion would have been selfish from them. So you could tell your friend how selfish she is that she doesn’t let her children live their own lives. Or you could just reconsider your friendship.

She may not have meant it the way it sounded, but it was a rather thoughtless comment. Your children sound like interesting, confident and enterprising people.

Your friend is a bad friend for making you doubt yourself. You have raised confident, independent children who are secure enough to explore the world. Good for them.

Some people make comments and don’t realise the implications.

mid day you are close, family what’s app with 24-7 messages.

no family is perfect and your friend will have callings out to deal with her kids.

it’s an insensitive comment, I’d say you have an aspiring family who have been taught to chase their dreams, try new things and don’t see distance as a barrier. Some may move back home, but for now they’re pursuing their goals. Every family is different.

Evil lady jealous of how well you've brought yours up to be adventurous, explore the world, make incredible lives for themselves - only secure children could be confident enough to go and move abroad. They likely won't stay there forever - I spent my 20s having an incredible time in a fun ex pat land but I'm back a few miles away from my parents now!

Op you have obviously been a great mum to raise them all to be independent and curious about the world.

The world is a much smaller place now than it was even thirty years ago. Many dc do get to experience more travel as they grow up and it’s entirely normal for them to take that forward when they reach adulthood.

If your friend is otherwise a kind person and someone you like; then odds are this comment was a rather thoughtless joke.

If you have a good relationship with your dc then there’s no need to give it any validity is there?

Your dc are in their twenties. That is the time when the young go travelling and find themselves, experience different countries and meet their partners.

Give it another few years and I bet half of them at least will be back home with new partners and dc wanting you to baby-sit!

If OP was confident or happy in her parenting why would she doubt herself because her friend ‘made her’.

Over dramatic much!

I agree with previous PP’s; this is a throwaway quip akin to telling the large pregnant lady ‘it must be twins’ or the mum of three boys ‘was the youngest meant to be a girl?’ Or the mum of triplets ‘got your hands full there’.

I understand that even throwaway comments can be hurtful and inappropriate though especially if this is a good friend. sometimes people say stuff to fill the airspace and because they have heard others say it before. Sometimes there is an agenda. Perhaps it’s to feel superior, perhaps it’s to reassure herself as she feels insecure. She could be being a bit smug about her own situation. Life’s a long game though (if you are lucky) and her kids may yet move away and yours may yet move back!

You have done a fantastic job of being a parent! You made all these independent people who have flourished and spread their wings and you all stay in touch. I would be so proud if I were you.

Depending on her usual personality I would think she was either cutting you down a bit because it’s actually quite impressive or perhaps she was making a lighthearted joke without meaning to be nasty.

It sounds like it was said in a jokey way & has touched a nerve with you. You have brought your kids up to be brave, independent adults that you should be very proud of. You don't have to live close to your kids to have a good relationship with them. It sounds like the kids come home when they can & keep in touch regularly so I can't see why anyone would suggest you're a bad parent. It sounds to me like you've done an amazing job bringing them up to have good work ethos & live a full life how they want to. Being confident to fly the nest & live so far away is testament that they feel comfortable to be away from you but know they can rely on you for support if needed.

You did it right! What do her kids do?
IME your kids will probably return to the UK as they get older.

I think my mother sees it as a negative that I moved away too. But I think it should be seen as a positive - being brave enough to go somewhere new, being independent. I have cousins that have bought houses 3 doors down from their parents, and go for dinner 4/5 times a week and I can't help but think they need to cut the apron strings a little!

It's see it as both. A positive for my DD, who is be proud of, but a negative for me as I'd miss her terribly. I'd put a brave face on it though, because we have to!

Being a parent of adults is a really unequal relationship. Our offspring can be as open and honest as they like. We have to hide our feelings and sometimes lie.

Sometimes I find it hard to know that my kids would prefer me to lie to them.

I think it sounds amazing. I tried to encourage my DD, now 21, to see the world. But she was too nervous. I think you sound like an amazing mum to have such confident kids