Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

yup.

They are all independent, which today is highly unusual - l think you must have done a great job. People can be very thoughtless.

What awful thing did she say?

This thread is ridiculous.

The only explanation I can think of is that the majority of posters are just reading the (untrue) title and responding to that.

The only alternatives are:
a) most Mumsnetters are entirely unable to recognise a joke when they hear one, or
b) in any situation most Mumsnetters will always choose to think the worst of anyone mentioned in an OP, because otherwise there's no pleasure in replying.

Or both.

So unless you move either abroad or far away enough from your parents so you don’t see much of them you haven't raised well rounded, curious or adventurous children?

I wonder how many posters on here who are dissing people (either the parents or their kids) have adult children themselves who haven't moved abroad or even the other side of the country.

I know lots of people who have very successful jobs and lives but have stayed living close to their families.

You seem to be one of very few posters who I feel I am on the same page as.

What on earth are most of you going on about? What is ridiculous,? What has distance got to do with giving your children freedom? Completely confused here.

You sound lovely OP. You gave your kids wings to fly, that's a huge accomplishment.

You raise them so they can leave.

Parents wanting their kids around all the time are more about themselves. It's a selfish thing to do.

A lot of parents guilt trip their kids into staying, with comments like, can't believe so & so's kids left her all alone and moved abroad.

It's controlling and some don't even realise they're doing it as they only think of themselves.

You've raised strong independent individuals. ❤️

I sometimes think that I need to walk away from this place. There's something really depressing about threads like this, and I don't think it does my head any good to read so much negativity and stupidity every day.

Jokes are supposed to be funny. Her comment / insinuation wasn’t remotely funny. It was a nasty jibe.

Your friend has a bad case of foot in mouth.

Is she usually so rude (and wrong)?

@saraclara

If it was a joke, it was a very poor one. Right after Christmas isn't the time to cast aspersions, however humorously intended, on the parenting of a woman who might have missed her children over the festive period.

I agree. This thread has become just plain silly.

As a generalisation it doesn’t tell you how good or bad a parent is if their kid (or kids) live abroad. People on here probably have foreign colleagues, do you automatically know that their family background was good simply because they are there in your office rather than their home country? or would you only know if they told you?

It’s one thing to be supportive of the OP but the ridiculous assumptions that posters are making about families who are geographically close to each other(or not) is nuts. Some posts have been very insulting to those who have not moved far away. (I speak as someone who has lived abroad and it had sod all to do with family dynamics).

Just be happy that you have done your job well and your kids have gone off into the world and are succeeding in life and seeing more than just where they were brought up. As for contact, one of my ac lives a 20 minute drive away and hasn't seen or spoken to me (for his own reasons) in 3 years! Your friend was thoughtless in her comment, be proud you have kids who have spread their wings and flown but stop off some now and then.

When my eldest got her exam results I told my friend. She said to me "She must get her brains from her father!" You know what I did? I laughed. Because it was a JOKE. She wasn't jealous. Her children aren't dumber than mine. We both know I'm an intelligent person and that is why she can make a joke like that.

If the OP's friend touched a nerve with her joke, it's because of the OP's own insecurities. It doesn't mean the friend thinks she is a bad parent.

Sounds like there is a possibility her children aren’t doing as well as yours / or aren’t leading what seem like such interesting adventurous lives and she is jealous, I think whatever the reason is she wanted to hurt you a bit and that usually comes from a place of jealousy

I actually see this as a thoughtless but not malicious comment. A slip of the tongue/ poor attempt to make light of the situation.

But what did you do to drive them all away ? Just joking. I would not take the comment to heart.

Well your friend is clearly a bitch and I’d go nc with her from now on. 😁

Here we go again.

Why on earth should she be jealous? You're just trotting out playground level stuff, like many others on this thread.

I've genuinely never heard a grown woman in real life come out with the "she's just jealous" rubbish. I thought I'd left it behind when I left teaching. But no. Mumsnet is full of people with the maturity of an eight year old girl, it seems.

I don't think I’ve ever heard someone say so and so’s daughter has just emigrated to outer Mongolia and I’m so jealous my daughter’s not emigrating too. 🙄

Exactly!

I know several people whose kids have moved countries, and while they put a brave face on it for their kids, and have nice holidays, they miss them terribly. I'm very glad that my kids and DGCs are within 30-40 minutes of me, and though I love to travel and would have loved to work abroad, I don't envy those friends at all. And I don't know anyone who would.

It’s a deeply weird thing to say! To me, the people who stay where they grew up seem limited. I mean, the world’s a big old place. Why stay where you happened to be born? I’ve lived in in several different places in five countries, and while we’ll stay where we are till DS leaves school, I’d be surprised if we stay here forever.

So you don’t think adult women get jealous, don’t be naive!

You know that different people like different things, yes?
People who stay in this country aren't limited by that. They're making the choice that works for them (and of course they're in e vast majority).

There are plenty of vastly talented, accomplished and interesting people who have always lived in this country. That choice doesn't make them limited and boring.

Which reminds me that I've met some of the most tedious expat bores on my travels. Living abroad does not necessarily make you a fascinating person by any means.