Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

Don't worry I sat down my daughter the other day and told her to work as hard as she can now in college so she can get out of this doomed country which to me is unrecognisable and she is my world.

Totally out of order! Sounds like you’ve done an amazing job bringing up adventurous, ambitious, confident young people! And they visit and keep in regular contact which says a lot, they haven’t cut you off for goodness a sake. What a horrible thing for her to say.

What a stupid comment from the “ friend “
I have 3 adult children and the older 2 live overseas , long haul to get to one in particular and the other one is probably about 8 hours flight

So I have been a terrible mum then 🙄

It means the opposite tbh. You’ve done such a good job they can live successful happy lives and are secure enough to do such a big move. Well done.

Given the state this country is in, I sincerely hope and pray that my children do emigrate! Congratulations on raising such confident children that have been able to embrace the world and move to follow their own dreams! Think of the holidays you’ll be able to enjoy!

I haven’t read all the replies but if anyone has commented about ‘missing out’ on future grandchildren - tosh! My grandparents lived the other side of the world in the ‘70’s when I was a child and my parents have lived abroad all my children’s lives - neither have missed out on the other at all!

My DH is from Norway and lives in the UK - has done for over a decade. We're moving back to Norway in two years. His siblings live in Finland and Italy. MIL is a huge part of their lives - she gave them the independence to feel strong enough to move! She's a brilliant woman and we visit regularly as does she. Would be trickier if it was further away, of course, but we still would. She's a huge part of her grandchildren's lives too, always Facetiming, we write letters, send gifts, call and text.

You've done nothing wrong, OP. I know MIL wishes all of her children lived closer as I'm sure I would if mine moved away, but I know for a fact her DC adore her. Your friend made a flippant and rude comment. Don't take it to heart, it has absolutely no bearing on how your DC feel about you.

You should be proud that you've raised confident, independent young people. That remark is unkind and speaks to her character, not yours.

Exactly this. It was a cruel quip, insensitive and not much if a friend if she intentionally said it in a bitchy way. Or it may have just been an open gob without putting brain in gear moment.
You sound like you have been a good parent to me.
Given them wings so they can fly.💐

What a spiteful thing to say; I’d say you’ve done an amazing job to raise four well rounded; confident; independent children who have stepped out into the world seen it’s bigger than their home town & taken the leap to live their life to its fullest x
Good on you fit being such an amazing parent & for equipping your children with such an amazing go get attitude x
your friend is probably just a tad jealous her three are all home birds & boring xx

That was not a nice comment at all. From the sounds of it you have raised your children to be strong and independent enough to take opportunities and pursue their dreams so well done to you! This is the case with me as I moved from England to NZ nine years ago. Of course I miss my family but I keep in regular contact. I take comfort knowing I have two siblings who live near our parents to keep an eye out. We also have a group chat that we put photos on and little snippets of info. If your kids moved to be away from you then you wouldn’t have regular contact and visits. So pay her no mind, she doesn’t understand. I’m sure your kids are as grateful as I am for teaching me to be who I truly am and be where I need to be!

It doesn’t necessarily mean the opposite. I don't mean in regards to the OP but generally. Kids moving abroad doesn’t in itself signify anything. It could be because of good parenting, it could be because of bad parenting or it could be nothing deeper than a good job offer or following your partner.

I’m starting to think a lot of posters have only read the title and assume the friend actually told OP she was a bad mother. She didn’t.

There are a lot of people that move to get away from their parents. There are also a lot of people that move because that's what's required for opportunities to further their own lives/careers and has absolutely nothing to do with how they feel about their parents, or how close they are. And once they've established lives elsewhere, which is often what happens after uni/meeting partners etc., it's not always easy or wanted to uproot and move back to home towns. Geographic distance is absolutely NOT an indicator of parental relationship. My parents would be devastated if they thought I'd sacrificed anything in my life to simply be geographically close to them, as would I with my own children. What an awfully narrow view of parent/child relationships you have

You probably have more engagement in calls, messages and visits than those who have their offspring relatively close by. Because you have to make the effort. I applaud your children, and you, on making the most of life and its opportunities. Tell your ‘friend’ to sod off - lightheartedly, obvs!

i moved to the other side of the world to get away from my toxic abusive mother. That was my reason, but I’d never assume just because that was me that others are the same.

Many of my friends overseas travelled and came from families spread across the globe for many reasons, these are close loving families. In fact very few of my friends hadn’t traveled the world.

My DDs are still young, but I regularly tell them how I want them to travel and explore the world. I’d be so happy for them to be able to live the lives they want where ever in the world they end up. I certainly won’t be like my family resenting them for getting out of here enjoying their lives and not making an effort to ever visit them.

Sounds to me like you did a great job. You gave them confidence and independence and allowed them to learn and grow on their own terms. Well done!

This is exactly the point of SUCCESSFUL parenting!

If you was my friend I would be saying wow amazing 4 independent kids well done mum ❤️ you have done an amazing job your friend sounds bitchy ! X

Hi op,

what a horrible conversation!!... But then to stretch to a horrible friend?…she might not have fully realised how hard it is as she isn’t living the same? She might envy you also the success of your DC and push on the hurtful spot to make you pay for their success? People are…people.

weither it is the first or the second…she isn’t a very good friend to you. You deserve better.

Good luck 🌺

I would take it as a jokey comment. Surely he can't have been serious?

You've done well. Your kids are independent, confident, know how to navigate the world, not afraid of challenges.

I know in the UK it can be the norm to stay close to where you were born, and again, not trying to judge, but it can be very difficult to have a big career and influence the lives of 1000s if you don't move away to study and subsequently do some time in London or abroad. It's lovely to stay in your home village, and be there for family and childhood friends, but usually this severely impacts your prospects and impact on wider society and the global human population.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/29/leave-home-town-british-politics-graduates

Had I stayed where I was born, yes maybe my mum would have more of my company, but I would feel trapped, miserable, limited, held back.

I'm sure many parents would love to have the well-rounded kids that you have clearly raised, and this may just be pure jealousy.

Think of the parents whose kids live in the spare room in their 30s, can't get a job that matches their qualifications, and just game all day.

Also... you'll be able to travel the world and see fantastic places with your kids.

TBF she didn't actually sat that you were a bad parent - could have been meant in quite a light hearted way?

Silly comment. I'd far rather raise children to be independent and adventurous adults than have them still living in the family home for no good reason, well into adulthood or too small minded to leave their home town.

Maybe some adult children move far away to escape domineering parents, but many move because they have been raised to be confident and inquisitive enough to want to see what the whole world has to offer, not just the neighbouring town, next junction off the motorway.

Some friend!

You should be so proud of yourself as you have brought up stable independent children to become confident adults
my three ds all travelled lucky for me two returned to the UK one lives abroad. I know the l feelings when they leave.
I have friends who wish their kids had travelled instead of being scared to leave and experience adventures independently

An awful thing to say when actually you are a brilliant parent as they have all been given freedom to follow their dreams etc. Although it hurts, I'm sure, be proud of yourself as well as of your brood. They all sound amazing... thanks to you.

I think you (and many others) are being over sensitive. It’s a joke but it seems she touched a nerve which is why it hurts.

every family is different no right or wrong.