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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

399 replies

andapenguinsir · 11/01/2025 02:16

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

OP posts:
Fedupmumofadultsons · 11/01/2025 16:09

My children all live near .I would miss them and be heart broken if they left to go abroad bereft without my grandaughters but if they wanted to I would never stand in there way .I would think her comment probably comes from fear more than anything

HappyMummaOfOne · 11/01/2025 16:27

Gosh who needs enemies when you have friends like her!!
I would see this completely differently. That you have raised independent, confident and happy children who are happy to travel and live abroad but make an effort to stay in touch via calls/emails/messages.
For 10 years from 19-29 I worked abroad on cruise ships and would be away for anywhere from 6-18months at a time and then I could be home from 5days to one month before I went off again. Do you know how I managed being away for so long….because I knew that when I was ready to return my parents would be there for me and we were really close whilst I was growing up. When I finally decided I had had enough of traveling and wanted to settle in one place I CHOSE to go back to my hometown to be close to my family.
Your children are still young that now is the time to travel, live in foreign countries and work out where they fit in the world. The fact they choose to still travel home is lovely so if your friend says anything again tell her that you see it as a wonderful thing that they feel so loved that they don’t need to live 5 mins away to keep your strong relationship going x

TheWalkingEyebag · 11/01/2025 16:32

Stupid comment from your friend there. I only have one sibling but we both moved abroad (10h flight). We had a great childhood, great parents, and nothing they did made us move other than being supportive and giving us the courage and confidence to give it a go! And that’s what I would echo to you. If you have good relationships with your kids, I’d say their moves are more a reflection of how well you brought them up and the confidence you instilled in them to know that they can follow their dreams and you’ll always be there for them.

Member984815 · 11/01/2025 16:35

The best part of parenting is watching our children thrive and live happily , you were a great parent and fostered independence and capabilities that enabled your children to live fulfilling lives

RobinHood19 · 11/01/2025 17:05

MJconfessions · 11/01/2025 08:23

@RobinHood19 how old are you though?

Not in my 30s yet…

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/01/2025 17:06

Quite the opposite. You’ve raised curious, adventurous, successful kids.

bakewellbride · 11/01/2025 17:14

Your friend would love me, my eldest is only 6 but I think his savings are for spreading his wings and if that means adventurous in Australia then great! Guess I'm a crap mum too then!

Ladybyrd · 11/01/2025 17:16

If a friend laughed and said “Crikey Mary what did you do to drive them away” you wouldn't laugh back and say something jokey in response? (I’m not talking about OP’s response but yours if your friend said it jokingly).

I cut the apron strings long ago ought to do it.

Illegally18 · 11/01/2025 17:21

what a cruel and pointless comment!

saraclara · 11/01/2025 17:24

OP had already said that her friend said it jokily, so where people are getting cruelty and bitchiness from, I don't know.

It's pretty clear that it was a joke. It maybe didn't land well, but there are so many OTT responses on this thread.

BunnyLake · 12/01/2025 10:52

saraclara · 11/01/2025 17:24

OP had already said that her friend said it jokily, so where people are getting cruelty and bitchiness from, I don't know.

It's pretty clear that it was a joke. It maybe didn't land well, but there are so many OTT responses on this thread.

I agree. It seems if your kids move far away it shows you're a great mum and if they stay close by you did a crap job. And god forbid they have a ‘mcjob’. This thread is quite batty in places.

ToWhitToWhoo · 12/01/2025 10:59

You are a very good parent to have brought up such enterprising and independent children. I suspect that your friend probably didn't even mean this seriously; just a silly and socially inept attempt at a joke.

SpryUmberZebra · 12/01/2025 15:19

HappyMummaOfOne · 11/01/2025 16:27

Gosh who needs enemies when you have friends like her!!
I would see this completely differently. That you have raised independent, confident and happy children who are happy to travel and live abroad but make an effort to stay in touch via calls/emails/messages.
For 10 years from 19-29 I worked abroad on cruise ships and would be away for anywhere from 6-18months at a time and then I could be home from 5days to one month before I went off again. Do you know how I managed being away for so long….because I knew that when I was ready to return my parents would be there for me and we were really close whilst I was growing up. When I finally decided I had had enough of traveling and wanted to settle in one place I CHOSE to go back to my hometown to be close to my family.
Your children are still young that now is the time to travel, live in foreign countries and work out where they fit in the world. The fact they choose to still travel home is lovely so if your friend says anything again tell her that you see it as a wonderful thing that they feel so loved that they don’t need to live 5 mins away to keep your strong relationship going x

And who needs friends like OP who would post about her friend on mumsnet so random strangers can insult her just to validate OPs feelings.

it was clear it was a joke statement, bad joke sure but she did not say OP was a bad mother but somehow OP has projected and taken it as it means she said she is a bad mother which suggests OP is struggling with the fact her kids are all away so it’s obviously a sore subject and has raised it on mumsnet so people can call her friend a bitch and a jealous person and this and that so OP can feel better about herself.

this was what her friend said in response to when OP said all her children have moved to other countries: “gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

reaction is OMG she said in a bad mother, she’s a bitch, she’s jealous etc… really?

if OP was a true friend she would call out her friend about what she said telling her how it made her feel and sort it out like mature adults not go to mumsnet.

TigerSportSam · 12/01/2025 17:33

I suspect there was some.envy in her comment. Your children sound super secure, independent and successful.

fmb8132 · 12/01/2025 17:39

I'm with you. I've raised my kids to be adventurous and independent. My eldest is on a work visa in Melbourne, my middle son is on a gap year and I couldn't be prouder!!

Spriterat · 12/01/2025 17:42

I was the traveling child in my family. I went abroad to work when I was 17 and just kept going. 40 years later and I have only just come back to the Uk, however my children want to carry on working and living overseas.
My leaving had nothing to do with bad parenting, I wanted an adventure. Once I had one adventure - I didn’t want it to stop.
You are not a bad parent. You have bought up for people who feel secure enough to know they can go and experience life to the full.
Be proud of yourself.

YMZ · 12/01/2025 17:44

Some friend!
Be proud that your raised brave, curious, independent and adventurous children!

Nikki75 · 12/01/2025 17:49

This says more about her ( your friend ) you have raised 4 amazing independent kids , don't let someone's derogatory comment hurt your feelings.
Is she jealous of all the places you can travel too to visit your kids or of how independent they all are .

ThePoliteLion · 12/01/2025 17:55

your friend is either very tactless or unpleasant. Either way, don’t give it any thought. It sounds like you’re a brilliant parent xx

JLou08 · 12/01/2025 17:58

Sounds like you've been a great parent, successful, independent, confident and adventurous adults who make you proud and keep in regular contact.

MTPF · 12/01/2025 18:02

I would say that in my humble opinion, your children must feel incredibly secure, very loved and comfortable with you... My observation of people that stay nearer to their parents, is that they are often quite the opposite. Insecure parents don't encourage their offspring to venture away.. for fear of loosing them. Very selfish. You must have a great relationship with them. Ignore your friends silly comment. She doesn't know what she's talking about

swordpen · 12/01/2025 18:12

Listen to me very carefully. Im in my 20s and love my mother dearly. But the UK does not pay fair wages and there is virtually no upward mobility. The countries you mentioned have economic opportunities. I would move to Cali in an instant if I was offered 200k a year. You are NOT a bad parent! Sounds like you raised deeply intelligent, educated and ambitious children and you should be mighty, mighty proud.

rosyAndMoo · 12/01/2025 18:12

The fact that you have raised 4 young people who are all independent and emotionally secure enough to be so far away from their parents means that you have absolutely done everything right. Ignore her.

Trishthedish · 12/01/2025 18:14

Some friend. I take it as a compliment that you brought them up to be independent and brave enough to live anywhere in the world. It is hard when they are so far away, but with WhatsApp and FaceTime keeping in touch and involved in their lives is so much easier than it was even 20 years ago. And when you do get that reunion of them all together it will be so magical. I’ve just had my first Christmas with both my children in 10 years. It was marvellous

Single50something · 12/01/2025 18:21

Horrible thing to say..I think shows the opposite as they were all confident to travel etc.